Title: This is Bullshit (41/?)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ryan's awake
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write. howido_fics is Brendon/Spencer, youbrat is Ryan/Alex. Ryan's pov is in blue and Bren's is normal black.




Author's Note: In case you missed it and are interested, we wrote a side story of Rylex before Brendon arrived in Ryan's life, you can find it HERE if you'd like to read it before this chapter as there are illusions to what happened in the side story in an upcoming chapter.


I smiled slightly over at Alex and Spence and raised my free hand to my mouth, telling them to be quiet. "Hey...don't wake him, okay?" I looked down at Brendon and brought my hand back. My whole body just ached. My head felt like it had been split open with an axe. My body felt like it had been put through a grinder.

Alex came rushing over to me and I held up a hand a little to hold him back from crushing me. I knew his strength better than he did. He liked to attack and retreat and I just seriously didn't have it in me to be crushed in one of his hugs right at that minute. I'd been awake for only about ten minutes when he and Spence walked into the room and I was very confused as to what was going on or why I was in the hospital. Although, the aches, pain, and casted leg gave me the idea that something happened and it was because of those injuries that I was in the hospital.

I rubbed at my eyes a little and looked up at Alex. "Hey Lex..." I bit my lip and looked around before back up at him. "Besides the hospital...where am I? What happened?" I looked at Spencer and then down to Brendon. "And why are they here?"

I bit my lip as I looked over at Alex. He wasn't even looking at me, and I really didn't know if it were my place to say anything, but then, thinking of how Alex broke down earlier, I thought maybe it would be easier for me to say something. I cleared my throat as I placed one hand again on Alex's back, and the other massaged Ryan's knee.

"Ry," I licked my lips, "You were in an accident last night on your way to a show," I started as I looked over at Brendon, seeing him take a deep breath, but not wake up, I continued but with a lower voice, "We're in LA because Alex called us last night when it happened, so we came as soon as we heard. It's um, midmorning, and you have been out since last night..."

I hated situations like this, because I knew I had a way with words to make people feel bad, but that was not my intent. It just happened like that. So, from here on out, I was going to opt to keep my mouth shut, that was for sure. Choosing to just stand there and let Alex take over, I sighed. It really was a relief to see him awake. I knew he would pull through, I just didn't know when.

I frowned and looked over at Alex. "An accident? I was in an accident?"

Alex nodded and reached up, tilting my head up and pressing his lips against mine before pulling back and sitting on the edge of my bed. "We were in an accident Ry. You were driving...we were crossing an intersection. You don't remember?"

I shook my head and looked down at my hands before over to Spence and then back to Alex. "No, I don't. I don't remember any of it...I...I don't..." I shook my head again, trying to think back, trying to remember, but failing completely. "I don't remember anything about last night...I...I don't remember going to the show."

He shook his head a little. "We never made it to the show Ry. We were on our way. We were crossing an intersection when we were hit from the side...the driver's side...it hit right around your legs. We were both unconscious at first, but I woke up after only a short time...they...they had to use the jaws of life to get you out..." He played softly with my hair again before leaning in and kissing me again. "God, Ry, I thought I'd lost you."

I smiled slightly and closed my eyes, resting my head back against the pillows. "So that’s why my whole body hurts."

I stood there and watched the two of them interact and talk for a few minutes before something clicked. If he didn't know what happened then that must mean that Bren didn't know he was awake, or that Ryan's parents hadn't come yet. Hell, he might not have even been looked at once he woke up. Looking down at Brendon then up and Ryan, I talked softly again.

"Ry, has, has a doctor or nurse come in and checked on you yet?" I asked simply. Staring at him, he shook his head no, "Ok, well, um, I'm gonna go get someone, I'm sure they need to check on you once you wake. I'll be right back..." I said before I squeezed his knee reassuringly and rubbed Alex's back.

I walked out into the hall, and it was busier than it was before. I didn't even know which doctor was assigned to him, so I walked up to a reception desk, but the line was forever long. I stood there and waited, the Coke for Brendon still in my hands. It wasn't until then that I realized I was thirsty too. Where I stood, I could see the visitor’s room, I stared in to see if Ryan's parents were possibly waiting in there, but no luck. When I turned back to face the desk, one person was gone, now I only had three more to go...

Alex bit his lip as Spencer left the room before he leaned in and kissed me again. If my whole body didn't hurt I'd have wrapped my arms around him and held him, he looked like a wreck. "Are...are you okay Lex? Not hurt or anything?"

He shook his head a little and reached down to play with my fingers. "No. I didn't get the worst of it. I hit my head that was all. As I said, I woke up shortly after. It was you who was the most injured. You were the one we were all worried about. They said the longer you were unconscious, the more worried they were about you."

I nodded a little and closed my eyes. I had absolutely no memory of anything that had happened the day before. I mean, something told me that I'd woken up and all, but everything leading up to going to the concert Alex said we were going to and actually getting into the car for, I didn't remember any of it. It worried me, after all, how could it be normal to simply forget something that had happened like that?

I opened my eyes and watched Alex play with my fingers. "I was so worried Ry...so very fucking worried...I thought...I thought that maybe...maybe I was going to lose you. I was so scared I was going to lose you...I don't think I could live without you Ry."

The next person in line was complaining about insurance and wouldn't listen to the nurse when she said he had to go to another floor to get that information. There was a short shouting match as the security was finally called. I turned back again to look at the visitor’s room and saw that there were two more people waiting after me in line. I thought about maybe trying another floor, but didn't want to give up my spot in line.

Sipping on the drink, I listened to the person two in front of me who was quickly given an answer to their question as I was now one person away. Then I thought about it, there was probably a call button or something on his bed that would get a nurses attention a lot quicker. I was about to walk away and try that when another nurse stepped up, "Next please," she smiled.

Leaning against the counter, I started, "Ah, yes, my friend is in a room down the hall, and he was in an accident last night..."

"Name please."

"Spenc...I mean, he is Ryan Ross, George Ryan Ross, he was unconscious, but is awake now..."

She smiled at me before picking up the phone and calling for a Doctor Ritter to Ryan's room,"Thank you, and that is all I need, Dr. Ritter should be there in a few minutes," she looked past me, "Next please..."

I lifted my hand, pausing to look at how shaky it was before reaching it up to Alex's cheek and resting it there. "You didn't lose me, Lex. I'm still here. Very confused and fuck my body hurts...but I'm still here." I dropped my arm back down onto the bed. That small amount of movement was enough to leave me shivering a little from the effort. I could tell my body had been through trauma, well, obviously with the cast and the pain and all.

Resting back against the bed again, I closed my eyes, letting out a small sigh. I felt the bed shift a little and I heard Alex's voice. "Ry....Ry don't go back to sleep...please...please don't go back to sleep...don't leave me..."

I smiled weakly and shook my head a little before murmuring. "'M not...just...tired...sore...and tired...."

"Spence went to get the doctor...they should be back soon. Maybe then you can have some pain killers and everything. Maybe that'll help...okay? Just...don't go to sleep Ry, please don't. Please..."

I opened my eyes a little and looked at him, squeezing his hand gently with mine before letting my eyes slide closed again.

I stood there sort of dazed as I stepped out of the way. I had no clue what this Doctor dude looked like, so I stood near Ryan's door and waited. Once I finished my drink, I decided to take a seat outside of the door. I didn't know if he would need anyone to answer questions or anything, but really, who was I kidding, I just wanted Alex and Ryan to have some time alone.

Not that this was important at all, but I still wondered what the thing earlier in Alex's room was all about. I also wondered if I hadn't stopped when I did if we would have had sex, or if that was even his intent. Either way, it still left me overly confused. I sighed, looking down the hall to see a couple with two children crying as they came out of the room across from Ryan's. See, that was why I hated hospitals. People were always crying, whether they were tears of joy or sadness.

I happened to glance up as I saw a doctor making his way down the hall. Standing up, I asked if he was Doctor Ritter, and he smiled, pointing to his name-tag. I gave him a quick smile too, "Our patient has awakened, I hear?" Nodding, I followed him into Ryan's room, expecting to have to walk back out so the Doctor could do his thing, "So, which one of you is George?" he joked as he walked in and began fiddling with the machines.

I opened my eyes when I heard the doctor and gave him a weak smile. "Ryan, please. No one calls me George."

Alex pulled back a little and looked at me before leaning in and kissing my forehead then kissing my lips again. He stood up and looked around. "We should probably let the doctor do his thing...and we should just...go and wait." He bit his lip and glanced at Spence before back at me. "I'll call your parents and let them know. They must have fallen asleep and not woken up...they're here by the way. They came in early this morning."

I looked at Alex and nodded a little before biting my lip as the doctor came over to me. I was nervous, well, scared maybe more because everything hurt and I really was trying to not show it. I didn't want Alex to worry more and I didn't want Brendon to wake up and worry more and I didn't even know why Brendon was there asleep when Alex and Spence came from somewhere that wasn't near, cause I saw that there was a bag in Spence's hand. I didn't really want Alex to leave. I wanted him to stay there and hold my hand, but I couldn't object cause I knew the doctor probably wouldn't allow anyone to stay while he checked me out. "Okay...just...come back...soon?"

I smiled and nodded to Ryan, "We will be back as soon as we can, well, Doctor Ritter allows..." I glanced over at the Doctor.

"I'll be quick and painless, no worries, just need to check the vitals and what not, so, if you can just step outside, I'll let you know what it is safe to come back in," he smiled as he went back to his clipboard and information on the screen. I started to walk away when I heard him laugh, "Oh, and don't forget about this one...."

Turning back, I completely forgot about Brendon. Oops. I blushed slightly as I walked over and whispered in his ear, shaking him, "Hey, Bren, wake up..." He was always an easy person to get up, and this time it was no different. He opened his eyes, blinking when he looked at me then stretched.

"Wha?" he yawned, "Why can't I?" he turned and looked at Ryan and stood straight up, gasping, "Babe..." he let out as I grabbed his arm, pulling him towards the door. I knew I should have let him talk to him, but the sooner he left, the sooner we came back...

"Bren, the Doctor needs to do his thing, then we will be right back, ok?" I asked as I wrapped my arm around him, seeing him follow me and Alex's lead but still have his mouth dropped as he looked over his shoulder at Ryan.

I watched all three of them leave and turned my attention back to the doctor. I was still exhausted and I still just wanted to curl up and sleep. I hoped that any and all pain would just be gone when I woke up again, but I also figured that wasn't likely. The doctor had to ask questions and poke and prod and everything else that doctors usually did.

I was right, he poked, he prodded, and he received several yelps of pain from me. He asked me questions like 'where does it hurt?' 'does it hurt more here or here?' 'how are your ribs feeling?' and other questions that you'd only really get a doctor to ask you. By the time he was finished investigating my body and checking everything that he had to, I felt even more drained and even sorer. I'd seen the bruises covering most of my upper body from the impact and pressure of my body against the seatbelt and hitting the various aspects of the car. I'd seen the cast that covered my leg. I'd seen the bandage that he changed on my head. I felt sick.

A nurse came in with a tray halfway through the 'inspection' and the tray held all sorts of different things, including little cups of pills. She handed a few things to the doctor and he proceeded to inject something into the IV that was dripping into my arm. He told me it should take care of most of the pain, but if/when it came back to page the nurses and they'd keep monitoring it. He also explained my injuries and told me I was pretty lucky. I wasn't sure you could consider a broken leg, a concussion and broken ribs along with lots of bruising lucky, but I guess if you went as far as being lucky to be alive, then yes.

I stumbled out of the room with Spencer and Alex. Ryan was awake. He woke up. I was laying there and he was awake. I couldn't believe it, really I couldn't. Why didn't he wake me up? How long had he been up? Why couldn't I stay in there with him? He was my boyfriend. I wanted to see him and speak to him. I wanted to kiss him and hug him and tell him how much I cared about him.

I was about to walk back in when Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the elevator, "Come on, Alex needs to get a hold of Ry's parents, and we need to get you something to eat and drink..." Pouting, I followed him, only because I knew the price I would pay if I didn't listen. But believe me, I did not want to follow him, I wanted to be in there with my Ryan holding his hand.

"But Spence, I wanna," I started as we walked past the gift store, and something caught my eye, "We," I looked up at him and Alex, "Can we go in there?" Spencer nodded and Alex mentioned that he had to call Ryan's parents. Again, I pouted.

But, even so, Spencer still had a grip on me, "Yea, ok, Alex, meet us back here?" Alex nodded and walked out as I went to the display in the window.

The doctor, with the nurses' help, finished checking me out before leaving me alone. They promised to have some food sent up for me and I could only imagine how wonderful the hospital food was going to taste. I'd only ever heard horror stories about it and I wasn't looking forward to trying it. There was nothing wrong with my body except for the broken leg, okay, and maybe head trauma, but otherwise, I wanted a cheeseburger.

About ten minutes later an orderly showed up with a tray he said was made especially for me. I got green jello, chicken, mashed potatoes and vegetables. All in all, it didn't look as horrible as I'd expected it to be. As a special bonus, there was a cookie on the tray and the orderly brought me a diet coke to wash it all down.

I thanked the orderly and sighed softly as I looked at it. I wanted to get up and move. I still wanted my cheeseburger. And most of all, I didn't want to be left alone in the hospital room anymore. I started slowly picking at the food and it really didn't taste as bad as I expected either. I wouldn't chose to go to the hospital to eat or anything, but at least it wasn't so bad that I couldn't keep it in my mouth. Still, I was hoping I'd get someone to sneak in a cheeseburger for me later.

I immediately went into the store, found what I wanted and bought it. Spencer just stood there, looking confused as I picked up the bag, smiled at the clerk and walked out, "Do you think Alex is done yet? Cause I really want to see Ryan! Spence! He is awake! I can't wait to kiss him and hold him and tell him how much he means to me! I missed him so much, I don't think I can contain myself!"

Actually showing how much I couldn't contain myself, I was hopping around and flailing my arms about, in which Spencer grabbed them and held them to my side. He stepped closer to me, "Bren, Ryan just woke up from somewhat of a coma, and he is in pain...I know you care about him, and he loves you, but he needs to get some strength and rest before he is bombarded with everything....I mean, he needs rest..."

Oh, I heard every word he was saying, but the only thing I could think of as he spoke was this... "Spence, why do you smell like Alex?"

His eyes got huge as he looked past me, "Oh, Alex, there you are..." he walked up to Alex talking up a storm with Alex, asking him all kinds of questions because he knew that I never interrupted people while they were talking since I thought it was rude.

It wasn't until we were up the elevator and walking into Ryan's room that he finally shut up. So, of course I took advantage of the situation, "So, Spence, why do you smell like Alex?" I repeated.

I opened the diet coke and drank half of it before coughing from how harsh it felt on my throat. I didn't think being unconscious for a day would cause my throat to be so dry, but it probably had something to do with the trauma from the car accident or the fact that I'd been unconscious for such a long time. I felt so confused though. I just kinda sat there on the bed, feeling confused about everything.

Pushing away the tray, I lay back on the bed and did my best to curl up into a ball. Having a leg in a cast caused major problems for my goal though and all I could do was sorta lay on my side but not really because I still hurt, pretty much everywhere. I closed my eyes and turned my head toward the window of the room, wishing that I had my iPod so I could at least listen to music while I was laying there.

Feeling everything overwhelm me, I found myself starting to cry while I lay there on the bed. My hands rubbed at my eyes and I tried to hide my face in them. Part of me wanted to be held, but the other part of me was scared that it would hurt. Moving hurt, breathing hurt, everything hurt and I couldn't have what I wanted and that hurt too.

Spence was about to answer when I stopped him and stopped acknowledging him for that matter. For a second I wished I had a notepad so I could write this shit down so I could remember what I was so tore up about with him, but really something more pressing was in my mind at the moment. Ryan.

Walking over to him, I neared where his face was and leaned in, somewhere, somehow remembering what Spencer had said, I sustained from leaning in and kissing him or anything, Spence was right, I didn't want to overpower him and freak him out, so I simply laid my hand on his side, "Ry, Babe, what can I do to make you better?" I asked, knowing he didn't want me to baby him, or did he? Personally, I thought this was an honest excuse to baby the fuck out of him, but I didn't know what he would think.

"Babe, we are all here for you, and we love you, and we want you to be ok, Sweetie, just tell us what you want, and we will accommodate..." Yea, Bren, so much for not babying him.....

I felt Spencer's hand on my back, I knew it was a forewarning for me to shut the hell up and stop while I was ahead, but I didn't drive ok, ride over three or four hours to just sit back in a damn waiting room, that right there would be bullshit!

I winced just slightly at the feeling of Bren's hand on my side. I didn't want him to think something was wrong, well, there was something wrong, I'd been in a car accident and had my body thrown around like a rag doll, bruising me in ways that it had never been bruised before, but other than that, I didn't want him to think there was something wrong.

I rubbed at my eyes again, trying to wipe away the tears so they wouldn’t know that I'd been crying while they were. I knew it was futile to try and look like I wasn't crying, but I tried anyway. Eventually, I pulled my hands away and opened my eyes, shaking my head a little bit and looking up at Brendon, Spence and Alex.

Licking my lips a little, I tucked my hair behind my ear. "No...I...I'm okay...just...hurt...everything...hurts..." I sighed softly and closed my eyes again. "The doctor gave me something...it might take a little bit though...he just gave it to me..." I sighed again, reaching up and shifting the pillow behind my head, wincing again when it causes my ribs to move in the wrong way.

I looked down at Ryan than over at Alex. And then I sighed. I couldn't take or handle this. I was used to the Ryan who was happy to see me, or who was turned on or wanted hugs. Lately, I was the one who caused him tears and pain, and I wasn't the one who he came to, Alex was. So, I didn't know why I was stepping on Alex's toes to take care of him. I was obviously doing something wrong.

I stepped back and walked into Spencer's hand. Again, I sighed, glancing at him, mirroring the tears that Ryan had in his eyes. I knew he was in pain, but there was nothing I could do about it. Hell, I touched him, and I caused more pain. I knew I was feeling sorry for myself when I should be feeling sorry for Ryan, but he wouldn't even let me feel sorry for him. All of this made my head spin. I wanted to sit down or cry. Maybe it was a mistake for me to come and visit him. Forgive me for fucking caring. I hated it.

Backing away even more, out of Spencer's reach for that matter, I made my way over to the spare bed and curled up in it. Spencer gave me a weird look. Again I sighed, "Alex can help him..." I let out, giving everyone a weak smile, "I am just gonna take a nap, ok? I want to sleep, I need to sleep. Ry," I looked over at him, "You sleep too, ok?" I asked as I laid my head down on the cloth covered plastic pillow.

I looked over at Brendon and just didn't get it. I closed my eyes again and sighed a little, trying to figure out what on earth I was supposed to do with myself. Nothing felt right. I was sore all over and I just didn't really want to be touched by anyone, while at the same time I wanted to be held. It was a contradiction and I didn't like how it felt to want to be held while I cried and not be able to be held because just being touched hurt too much.

I felt the bed dip a little and a hand be placed on mine. Opening my eyes, I saw Alex sitting above me, looking down at me and gently rubbing his fingers over mine. Of all places on my body, I felt like my hand hurt the least. At least that didn't hurt so at least I could be touched on the hand.

"Hey...maybe Bren is right, maybe you should get some sleep...some rest to help you feel better. That'll help, right?"

Sighing, I closed my eyes and shook my head a little. "I've been unconscious, Lex, I don't want to sleep...I..." I frowned, I didn't know what I wanted, not really.

"You what Ry? What do you want?"

I shook my head and sighed. "I don't know, okay?! I don't know because I can't have what I want because it fucking hurts too much! And why is my entire body one giant bruise and you're perfectly fine? How is it you're not in a hospital bed too?"

I sat up completely when I heard Ryan say the last part. I shot my head over, and Spencer was right by Alex, with his hand upon his back. I wondered where in the hell that came from. Moving to level myself on the ground, I walked over to Ryan, this time away from his face. I glanced over at Alex and gave him a sympathetic look, even though he couldn't see me. I sighed again closing my eyes and feeling dizzy. I didn't know what to do. Alex and Ryan were always the ones who knew the answers, but me...not so much.

Placing my fingertips lightly on Ryan's back, I ran them up and down his spine, trying to soothe him anyway possible. Biting my lip, I looked down at him, leaning over to look at his face. I wanted to change the subject. I knew we were coming on strong and not helping him because he was confused, but I wanted to do something for him to take his mind off things, and then I remembered the gift I had bought him. Clearing my throat, I started.

"Here, I uh, got you this..." I handed him a bag that had the book I had bought for him, "I, um," suddenly I was blushing, "I didn't know how much time you had by yourself here, or something, or if you wanted to read, but, uh, yeah." I watched him open it, "It's a children's book, on Orion that tells you where to find him in all the different seasons. I mean, that is what I saw when I glanced through it while we were in line, but, um, still...." I paused, "I, um, hope you like it, it has all kinds of pictures, and stuff..."

Alex looked at me before turning and leaving the room. I watched him for a few moments as he walked out of the room. I didn't understand what was going on and I couldn't help but feel mad that I was the one who was so injured and in a hospital bed and he was walking around with barely a scratch on him. I was mad. I couldn't help it. So maybe it wasn't his fault we were in an accident. And maybe it wasn't my fault either. But I couldn't help the feeling that if I was in the hospital, he should be in the hospital. We were both in that car.

I looked over at Spencer before shaking my head and closing my eyes, taking a deep breath. I needed to calm down, but part of me wanted to yell after Alex to go to hell. That was not our relationship, we'd never been like that before. I'd never felt that way against him before and I didn't like that feeling.

I reached up and took the book from Brendon, looking down at it in my hands for a few moments before opening it and turning a few of the pages. I smiled a little and looked up at Brendon. "Thanks, Bren...its perfect...just...can you figure out a way to get rid of the hospital roof so I can put it into use?"

I bit my lips as tears came to my eyes over what I just saw. Glancing at Spencer, he ran after Alex. I would have too if I didn't have Ryan laying in bed in front of me. He had no right to say those things, but he also didn't have a clue what had gone on since he was out. I gulped, not sure what to say or do at this point. So, I chose to just nod at him over the situation. The book situation.

"Ry," I sat down on the bed to push his hair out of his face, "You will get out of here as soon as the doctors say you are ready. it is beyond any of our control, really it is," I bit my lip again, not sure if I wanted to get in the middle of him and Alex, but I knew I had to defend Alex, I really didn't know what to say. I moved up on the bed and scooted closer to him. Chances are, I would mention Alex, and be yelled at or flung off the bed, but, I guessed I had to take those chances.

"Babe," I turned on my side and looked at him, "Please, don't be mad at Alex, he had put enough grief on himself. We had to tell him it wasn't his fault over and over, and he was by your side for the entire night, calling all of us and taking care of you as much as he could...he has enough guilt. I know it doesn't make your situation even better, but he loves you so much, I was almost afraid for him, I had never seen him so upset, really, I hadn't..."

I put the book down and sighed, laying my head back on the pillow again and closing my eyes. Brendon was right, of course I knew that he was, but it didn't change the way I felt...I felt like lashing out at someone for how I was feeling. I felt like screaming and crying and thrashing around. Of course, the thrashing was out because of how my body felt.

Shaking my head, I looked up at Brendon. I wasn't sure what to say in response to that, 'yeah, I know, I’m just an asshole because I feel like shit and want to scream at someone until they feel the same'? that didn't sound good in my head let alone something that I wanted to escape my lips.

Picking up the book again, I played with the pages a little. I was still at a loss for words, me, Ryan, who rarely ever was at a loss for words, couldn't find a single one to say. I whimpered softly and looked back over at Brendon. I was lost. In my own head. In the situation. With Alex. With Brendon. With Spencer. Everything, I was just lost and I couldn't find a way to pull myself out of it. I felt almost like I was drowning, but drowning in what, I didn't know.

I let my head fall back against the pillow again and felt the tears starting to stream down my cheeks again. I felt helpless and useless, I felt like I was fucking everything up in everything and I couldn't do anything to fix any of it. I was a mess and I wasn't sure how anyone could pick me up and put me back together again, or if it was even possible. And I had no clue what to say to Brendon.

I knew I said the wrong thing, and I knew I had to fix it. it was my turn. it was my chance to step up and make things right. But I was so scared and didn't know. I was confused myself. Somehow, though, I managed to curl up to him, wiping his tears, 'Ry," I whispered, "Ryan. I'm sorry. I, I just don't know how you are feeling right now, and I don't know what to say, but please Babe, please don't cry. You are awake and Baby, you are alive, and that is everything that we all had prayed and wished and hoped for."

Stretching up, I kissed his cheek, "We were, all of us, we were so scared and worried for you, because we care about you so much, we were worried for you and we had to sit back and think about what our life would be like without you..." I sighed, "Well, at least, I know that I did, Ryan, and it was not good...But still, you were in an accident. It was no one's fault but the driver of the other car, Babe, you did nothing wrong...nothing at all. I hate to say it, but, Ry, you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time..."

"And we have to think or believe that this happened for a reason. Maybe it was all planned. Hell, maybe our entire lives have been mapped out for us, and we are just little mice in that maze, but Ryan. God, Baby, please don't cry. You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all, those words you just said, they, they are just from the stress and fear...it's ok Baby...I'm sure Alex just needed a moment to sit back and reflect. He, he was prolly just giving you space, to let you think, I mean, cause you just woke up, you deserve time to think...." I ran my fingers through his hair, hoping he was understanding what I was saying.

Closing my eyes, I let myself relax against Brendon's touch. He was right, again, but at the same time, I didn't want to think or deal with it. There was far too much and too much information in my head to really be boiled down to 'you need to think and he needs to think.' I wasn't sure thinking was what I needed right then. My mind was going back to 'be loved on, think about nothing, and let others tell you when you need to do things like eat.'

After a little bit, I looked up again at him and frowned a little as I reached up and wiped at my eyes, wiping away the tears. "Bren...can...can you get me something to drink? Something without fizz?" I bit my lip gently. I didn't want him to feel like that’s all he could do for me, but at that moment I couldn't think of anything else to say or ask for, and I felt ashamed that that was all I could say to my boyfriend.

I reached up and covered my face with my hands. I felt like shit for asking that. I pulled my hands away from my face and looked up at him again, tears still streaming down my cheeks. "I...I...I'm sorry...I just....fuuuckk!" I looked away and felt myself start to cry more. If I didn't know better I'd start to think that I was a woman. I looked back over at Brendon. "I can't believe you came all the way here...you and Spence..."

Immediately, I grabbed a cup from Ryan's tray and walked out in the hall to get some water from the drinking fountain. Looking around, Spencer and Alex were no where to be seen, and come to thinking of it, neither were his parents. They must have got caught in traffic or something, his parents that was... Filling up the cup, I walked back into the room and asked him to sit up. Taking the back of his head in my hands, I held the cup to his lips as he drank some, then set the somewhat empty glass on the tray next to him as I slid back into my position.

"Ry, of course we came to see you, well, ok, so I was coming to see you no matter what, and Spencer knew that I was too upset to drive..." I started as I moved closer to him, tracing his features, and taking in his scent. Sure, he hadn't showered in over twenty fours hours, and he had been in an accident. Plus, the smell of medicine and blood pierced my nose, but even so, he still smelled like Ryan...

Positioning myself even more comfortably, I leaned over and kissed some of his tears, "There is no place in the world I would rather be, or chose to be than right here with you. Next to you. Holding you. Ryan, I love you, and I would never let you be alone in here...I would never let you be hurt and not be right by your side."

I licked my lips after I had taken a drink. It felt much better than the soda that I'd had earlier. I would have thought the people at the hospital would have thought to give me something less harsh on my mouth and throat right after I woke up, but I couldn't blame the orderly, he didn't know. And maybe they all thought someone else had given me something softer for my throat and thought that soda would be okay.

Sighing softly, I felt much better and relaxed back again. I moved, just slightly, closer to Brendon, just to feel him against me, just to feel him close to me. I tilted my head to the side a little and sighed a little in content. He and I may have not been very good when I left home the previous weekend, but having him right there right then was definitely something that I needed. I was glad that he was there, even if I couldn't say it.

It took a few moments before it registered with me what he had just said. I looked up at Brendon and studied him closely for a few moments before whispering. "Do you really mean it Bren?"

I sighed as he leaned and moved back into me. Smiling at him, he looked so beautiful. Usually, he was the older, stronger, smarter, and more dominant one, but right here, right now, he looked like a little kid. A little kid that I just wanted to snatch up and take home with me. It was weird how something like this could tear at you like it did. I wasn't sure though if I regretted what had happened, or if I was upset.

On one hand, there was Ryan and his pain and confusion, but on the other, there was a chance for he and I to grow closer and for him to depend on me. I knew that was selfish, but maybe he needed it too. Smiling again, I kissed his shoulder and his neck gently as I leaned in closer to him, "You smell amazing Ry, I have no clue how I stand it on our days apart..." I grinned as I kept my nose flush with his jaw.

Then it hit me. Did I mean what I said? Of course I meant what I said, why else would I have said it. I reached up and smooth his face, while still snuggled next to me, "Yea, Ry, I meant every word of it," I blushed, almost not wanting to bring it up, but knowing I had to, "I don't want to lie to you or hold things back ever again..."

My voice stayed as a whisper as I continued looking up at him. I didn't want to move, and yet, I did. There went those stupid mental contradictions again, wanting to do the things that would hurt me even more. I bit my lip before continuing. "You...you've never said that before...not...ever..."

My head tilted again, pulling myself back slightly so I could look at him full on and get a good look at his face. it was one of those moments when you weren't sure how to react even though it was good news. You weren't sure to be all giddy and excited, or serious yet happy. It was also one of those moments when you needed to look into the other person's face, look into their eyes, and really see who they were inside as they were saying it. To really see if they were really serious. And with my broken body, I needed all the reassurances I could get visually because there sure as hell wasn't any physical way, not with the way I was feeling.

I licked my lips and smiled softly before murmuring almost silently. "You really love me?"

My fingers stopped moving on his arm when he asked me. Did I just say I loved him? Narrowing my eyes a little, I thought about it. I must have, or else, why would he bring it up? I hoped I wasn't pausing to long, so I opened my mouth to not cause anymore confusion over the situation.

I had the slightest clue what I was saying at this point...it was just coming out...

"If I said it, then I do, Ryan. I didn't even think about it, but it must have come out so naturally, so, it is obviously true. I have been falling for you for a long time, but I didn't know how to explain those feelings I was having. They were new to me, and I was confused, but seeing you here, and even the whole ride here, all I could think about was what my life would be without you, and I didn't even want to imagine it. I know we fight and we are apart, and all of that, but, Ry, I really do feel that way about you. You put my life in such a retrospect that I don't even know how I got this far without you."

I looked over at him, touching his cheek lightly with the backs of my fingers, "So, to answer your question, yes, Ryan, I do love you."

I smiled softly and leaned into Brendon's fingers. It was nice to finally hear him say it. It wasn't like I was worried that he hadn't said it before that moment, but at the same time, it was nice to hear him say it. Especially without any prodding or asking or trying to get him to say it, he just said it. Reaching up with my hand, I placed it over his and whispered quietly. "I love you too, Brendon."

I sighed softly in content, letting my eyes slip closed again as I moved toward him a little. Moving caused my ribs to hurt, but right at that moment, I didn't care so much. You can't avoid your boyfriend when he just told you he loved you for the first time, which also had to be his first time ever saying it to someone who wasn't family, or possibly friend.

I opened my eyes when I heard a noise at the door and looked over to see Alex standing there, looking rather awkward. I bit my lip and then reached my free hand out to him until he came over and took it. Squeezing my hand softly, he sat down on the other side of the bed and kissed my hand. "I'm sorry Lex. I didn't mean it...I'm just...just upset about all of this...I...I didn't mean to yell at you."

He nodded and bent his head over my hand. I felt a drop of water fall onto my hand and realized that he was crying. I was the one in the hospital bed with a broken and battered body, and my best friend and boyfriend were possibly more of wrecks than I was, although most of mine was mental, theirs seemed emotional. It was just difficult to have my best friend show up and be upset like he was moments after my boyfriend told me he loved me, he hadn't even kissed me yet.

I smiled over at Alex and Ryan, sighing. It seemed weird, and freer, I had just told him I loved him and this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Like all the jealousy and guilt and worries and questions seemed to disappear. It was right now that I knew this relationship would be ok, and that I didn't have to worry about anything for a long time. At least I hoped it would stay that way.

Reaching down, I toyed innocently with the skin right about Ryan's cast, just watching him and Alex. I knew that Alex was tore up, and I would have been too, hell, in all honesty, if Ryan had said those things to me, then I would have walked out that door and out of his life and never come back. But, that was the thing with best friends, these two knew each other inside and out, and Alex knew where Ryan was coming from, and obviously understood it because he came back.

I leaned forward and kissed Ryan's shoulder reassuringly. In a way, I hoped that the doctors or nurses or even Ryan's parents wouldn't come in, because I would feel like I had to get up and go. But, there was no place in the world where I would rather be right now, then with the one that I loved. I shook my head to myself. The one that I loved. I couldn't help but smile. Why did that come easily and freely now? But in all respect, it scared the living shit out of me just 24 hours ago. It was strange how things worked. How accidents and wrecks and even deaths did this to you. Sure, at the time, it was the worst thing ever, but it seemed that in almost every circumstance, something amazing came out of it in the long run.

I squeezed Alex's hand back and looked over at Brendon. I threaded my fingers with his and gave him a small smile before looking back at Alex and murmuring his name. I waited until he looked up before I continued. "Please, don't Lex. I'm sorry."

He shook his head and stood up, putting his forehead to mine and putting his free hand behind my head. I knew he was still crying, I could feel a little shaking of his body and the occasional drop of a tear onto my face. "Shut up Ryan. Please, just shut up. I know you didn't mean it, I know that you didn't. But it should have been me instead of you. It should have been me in that bed and you walking around without a problem. You were right, I should be in a hospital bed too, and you have every right to feel that way because I've got nothing wrong with me after the accident. But fuck, Ry, I love you and if I could I'd switch places with you."

He sighed and leaned forward, pressing a kiss against my cheek. "Don't apologize, Ry, please don't. Just...lets just forget it. You and me, remember? You and me, nothing gets between that, not even this."

I nodded a little and looked up at him and whispered. "I love you too Lex. Nothing gets between...not ever...not even this..." I nodded again and murmured softly. "Hug me? Just...very gently because everything hurts..." He smiled softly and leaned in, giving me a gentle squeeze before pulling back, but he didn’t let go of my hand. It was okay, he and I were back to us again, I smiled softly and let my head rest against Brendon again.

Smiling, again, at the two of them, I had laid back on the bed looking at the ceiling, giving them their space. Once they were back to the original positions, and everything seemed ok, I looked up and around the room, seeing Spencer at the door. I smiled to him and waved him over, sort of like Ry had done to Alex. There was really no need for him to be over there, but he was probably like me, just giving them their space.

Running my fingers through Ryan's hair, I nodded to Spencer, "It's getting near lunch time," as if on cue my stomach growled, "What do you say we go to that McDonalds up the street and bring back some real food?" I asked the people in the room, still with my fingers tangled in Ryan's hair.

"Yea," Spence smiled, "That's cool, but um, you guys can stay here, I think I can manage on my own..."

"Are you sure?" I questioned. Really, I didn't even want to move, but I figured I would be nice, "If you are sure, cause I can go with you..." He nodded, "Ok, well, um, get me a Caesar salad, hold the chicken," I looked over to Ryan and Alex, "And, what about you guys?" I smiled, "I know you prolly can't have real food Ry, but...we won't tell..."

Spencer smiled, "Secret safe with us. But really, it's my treat, whatever you guys want..."

I grinned a little. "Cheeseburger. I'm craving a cheeseburger. The food they brought me was alright, but it tasted like dirt in comparison to the cheeseburger that I'm craving!"

Alex chuckled and shook his head, he stood up and leaned over to press a quick kiss to my lips. "I'll make sure you get the perfect one." He pressed another kiss to my forehead before he headed over to Spencer. "I'll come. That way you won't have to try and carry all of it by yourself, especially with drinks and all. Besides, Ry can be picky on his burgers." He grinned over his shoulder at me. "That would be with a triple thick vanilla shake, right?"

I nodded and grinned. "You know it! I can't imagine that the doctors would be against me having a shake...it is milk and all..."

Alex chuckled and nodded again. "Oh, your parents are very happy that you're awake. But, they don't feel awake enough to drive yet since they really didn't sleep last night. So, they're gonna grab some coffee and a cab and they should be here in a little. They didn't want you to think that they aren't here or coming to see you." With a smile and a wave, he tugged Spence out the door.

"Good, I was getting worried about your parents," I looked down at him and smiled, "I hope they made it in safe, I haven't even seen them yet..." I let out, before I knew for sure that Alex and Spencer had left the floor, "Here, wait," I moved him as gently as I could, as too not bring him any more pain, and made my way off the bed and over to the door. Shutting it, I leaned against it for a little while just looking at Ryan. The one that I loved.

A grin was plastered on my face as I walked back over to him, somewhat mimicking his movements as he normally slinked around like a cat, "So, now that you are awake, and you are ok. Well, besides the pain..." I pouted quickly before smirking again, "I realize that there is something I have been waiting for since you left last Tuesday morning..." I tapped my lips, "Wonder what that could be..."

Crawling onto the bed with him, I moved ever so easily on my side next to him. Running my fingers across his cheek then down his jaw and back into his hair, I leaned in slightly barely touching his lips. Hell, I could even feel his breath on mine, "I've missed these lips..." I mumbled as I moved forward while pulling him into me. My lips tingled against his as I took his bottom lip into my mouth, nibbling on it slightly before opening my mouth more to deepen the kiss.

I smiled against Brendon's lips and kissed him back, just letting him control it. I paid attention to what my body was telling me, feeling how sore it was, while going with what my emotions were telling me, well, besides the 'sob your eyes out' part of it. I wanted to be able to have him pressed up against me while he was kissing me so he didn't have to treat me like a fragile doll.

Moving my hand, I reached up and placed it against his cheek while I kissed him back, letting myself get lost in it for a few moments before slowly pulling back and sighing softly in content. I rolled my head to the side a little as I rested against Brendon. "Mmmm...I missed feeling you kiss me like that, Bren." I closed my eyes and sighed softly. "If my whole body didn't ache all over I'd expect you to do a lot more than just that. But I think we're gonna have a few problems with doing much more than that for now."

I sighed at that, again, because it seriously sucked, again, that I couldn’t have what I wanted. "I've never felt like this before, Bren. I feel like my body was put through the grinder or something. Everything aches, and I'm scared to move much, or sit up, or anything. I want to move and do things, but I know it'll hurt because of my ribs...I kinda wish it were just the leg and not the ribs too..."

Pecking him on the lips again, I pouted with him, "I know you do, Babe, it's ok, I understand," again, I placed my lips on his to show I did actually understand and care, "But didn't the doctor give you something for the pain? Shouldn't it have kicked in by now?" I asked him as I feathered my hands down his side, not even touching his skin, but the clothing on him.

I stared at him and smiled. I believed that he was the most beautiful person alive. Even with the bumps and bruises, he was beautiful. I just wished I knew really how he felt. He could tell me, but I would never really known myself since I had never been in that situation. But, he did mention the doctor giving him something, so really, it would have kicked it, it only seemed right.

"Ry, do you want me to go call the doctor or nurse for some more pain killers, I mean, we are in a hospital, and I don't think you should still be feeling it," I glanced over at his tray of food, "Especially with the little amount you have eaten, it should have gone right into the blood stream. And maybe," I hoped and tried, "You can get something, and your parents will be here, then you can visit, and Spencer and Alex will be back, and then you can eat and we can nap..."

Then it hit me. Spencer and Alex, "Oh...that reminds me...I hugged Spencer earlier, and he spelled like Alex, like...smelled smelled like him..."

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