Title: This is Bullshit (39/?)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan
Rating: PG
Summary: There's been an accident
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write. howido_fics is Brendon/Spencer, youbrat is Ryan/Alex. Ryan's pov is in blue and Bren's is normal black. Alex=red.




**please read author's note to avoid confusion...there is a pov change**


We stood in the back room of the dingy bar where the Battle of the Bands was held. I really wished Ryan was there for the support. I could have used it at that point. The rest of the band messed with their instruments while Spencer drummed on the table. I stood back and watched them as I hummed to warm my vocals. I felt like I was going to throw up.

A guy knocked on the door announcing we were to go on in fifteen minutes. Yes, I was officially going to throw up. As I was taking deep breaths, Amanda came back with her girlfriend to wish us luck. At least that's what I thought she said, I wouldn't know, I was in the zone. In my own little world and no one could stop or interrupt me.

Standing there, my hands placed firmly against the wall, my eyes slipped closed as I continued to hum and sing. I heard a familiar tune in the background. It wouldn't go away until I noticed it was my phone. Reaching in my pocket, I saw it was Ryan and figured he was wishing us luck since he was working a concert.

Opening the phone, I let out a nervous sigh, "Hello..."

I took a shaky breath, running my hand through my hair while I looked at the parking lot in front of me. It was annoying that they didn't allow the use of cell phones inside. If it weren't for the need to make a few phone calls I'd never have left Ryan's side. As it was, I had to use his phone because I didn't have Brendon's number in my phone.

"Bren? It's...It's Alex...." I licked my lips, sitting down on the bench that was outside and curling in on myself. I had tears slipping down my cheeks and I didn't even realize it. "Bren...there's...there's been an accident..." I took another shaky breath, trying to get ahold of myself but I just couldn't, I was a wreck. I ran my hand through my hair again, my fingers getting tangled in the strands before I yanked my hand out and wiped at my eyes.

People were passing me as if I weren't there, which, for the moment, I was completely thankful for. I had a few phone calls I had to make, get them over with, and get back inside. I couldn't be away from Ryan for too long. I just downright refused. I ran my hand through my hair again, my fingers tangling with the strands, the blood soaked strands. "Ryan's in the hospital."

I stood there somewhat paralyzed as his words filtered through my ears. I couldn't and didn't believe what he was saying. I could feel my heart physically stop and the bile rise to my throat.

"What? Where? Where are you?" was all I could get out. I needed to go. I needed to leave. I needed air...

"Some hospital in LA." I looked around, finding the name on the side of the hospital. "UCLA Medical Center it says...I...I'm outside...they won't let me use the phone in the hospital..."

I looked down at my hands, they were still covered with the leftover spots of blood. I hadn't gotten the chance to wash them. It was Ryan's blood I thought, I wasn't sure, it could have been mine, but something told me it was his. "Ry's in the hospital Bren."

Amanda came running over to me as I stood there, trying to listen to Alex, but I couldn't, my head was spinning. Throwing her arm around me, Alex's voice rang through my head. His last words hit me hard, again, making me drop my phone. I held on to her telling her I needed air. Everything around me was one huge blur and it sounded like I was in a tunnel.

Repeating Alex's words, I mumbled the name of the hospital over and over until finally making it outside. As soon as the hot July air hit me, I let out everything that was in my stomach. I felt someone rubbing my back. Pushing them away, I reached in my pocket for my keys. Again, that same hand tried to stop me, but I pulled away more.

"Where the hell are you going? What about the show?" I heard voices yell.

I didn't answer, jumping in my car unaware that I wasn't alone, and completely oblivious to what that person was chatting frantically about on the phone.

I heard the phone hang up, but it didn't register that Brendon had just hung up on me for a moment. I sat there with the phone still against my ear before slowly pulling it down and looking at it. It finally hit me that he'd hung up on me, so I closed the phone and got up, shoving it into my pocket. I needed to get back to Ryan.

I made my way back into the hospital and followed the path I'd taken to get outside, this time in reverse. I was almost on autopilot, I just walked and found myself back at Ryan's room. I'd managed to call Paul back at the apartment building and leave him a message. I'd also gotten ahold to Ryan's parents, they'd be on their way as soon as they could get a few things organized back home, including Ryan's medical details.

Sitting down next to the bed, I immediately took his hand. The doctors wanted me to go home, but I refused to leave his side. How could I when I nearly lost him? On top of that, he was still unconscious, how could I leave him when I didn't know if I'd ever get him back? I was terrified of what could happen and what would if I left him alone. He was far too important to me to do that, so no matter how I looked, no matter how I felt, I wasn't leaving his side.

It was one of those things where I was driving, and I knew I was driving, but if someone were to ask me what street I just passed, or if there was a car in front of me, then I wouldn't know the answer. I was going through the motions. Faintly, somewhere, I heard a voice. But I couldn't make out what it was saying. What if it was Ryan though? I shook my head as I slammed on my brakes at a red light. For the first time since I got in the car, I took a breath.

"Fuck Bren, you're scaring the shit out of me!" It was Spencer, "What is wrong? Where are you taking us?"

I turned to open my mouth, but no sound came out, only more vomit. Closing my mouth before I lost it, the car behind me honked it's horn. I turned the wheel as sharp as I could, pulling into a side street, barely getting the car in park when I opened the door and threw up again. Spence was right at my side as I sniffed my nose, wiping the vomit, and snot, which I figured was from crying.

He squatted in front of me, standing in my vomit as I swallowed. I looked up at him, "Spence..." I sniffed my nose, swallowing more vomit, "Ry, Ry's in the hospital..."

"Ry? Ry, you gotta wake up. Please, you gotta wake up..." I dipped my head down and kissed his hand softly as I looked at his face. He looked horrible, he didn't look like my Ryan. His hair was not perfectly done, his eyeliner was smudged, but not in a good way, it was smeared across his face. There was a bandage at his temple, I could see the hint of red at the center of it that showed the blood that had been there.

I reached up and brushed his hair to the side, trying to place it how he'd like it, but I felt so inadequate to do anything. I felt lost and very very confused as to what I was supposed to do next. My eyes trailed down over the rest of his body. I couldn't see them, but I knew there were bandages wrapped around his ribs. The doctors said they were bruised, possibly broken, so they chose to bind them for a few days to help them heal. It was the cast that my eyes stopped on though, the cast covering his nearly shattered left leg. If only it had been me driving, then he wouldn't be the one in the hospital, I would.

I slid my fingers down along Ryan's cheek lightly. "You gotta wake up baby...you've gotta wake up and show me your beautiful brown eyes."

Next thing I knew, I was being put into the passenger seat, Spencer taking the wheel. We both reeked of vomit as he pulled into a familiar driveway. His. Looking over, he removed his shirt and wiped up my vomit sitting on my chin, "Stay here, I'll be right back." Right, where else could I have gone? Wait, I knew, I could get in the driver seat and take off...

Before I could even try it, Spencer was at my door, "Here, get out..." he helped me out and walked me to his mom's car, "We're gonna take this, they won't be back until Wednesday, so they won't even know. Here," he handed me some clothes and baby wipes, "Clean up in the back while I go get you something to drink and some crackers. We have to go find Ryan!"

Smiling, I leaned in to give him a hug, which he rejected stating I needed to get rid of the chunks first. Once I was clean and changed, he came back and took my clothes, throwing them in my car and locking it, "We'll worry about that when we get back." I just nodded as he got in the driver's seat and pulled out onto the road, "I mapquested it, it should take a little under four hours, but mom's got a radar detector, I'm thinking three for us..." he laughed, causing me to smile and thank him, "No prob," he handed me a water and some pills, "Here, I'll wake you up when we get there..."

I let his words relax me as our demo filled the car. Maybe he was right, maybe I should just take a short nap...

My fingers ran over his hand, over his long, delicate fingers, they looked so much more delicate, almost fragile, sitting there against the hospital bed. All I wanted to do was crawl up onto the bed beside him and hold him, but I couldn't, I was scared that if I even tried I'd hurt him more by moving him wrong and doing more damage to his ribs, his head, or just him in general. The doctors said that the worst injury was his leg, but they were concerned about the head injury and how long he stayed unconscious.

I leaned up to press a soft kiss to his forehead before pressing another light kiss to his lips. "You gotta wake up Ry. You can't sleep all night or we're gonna be late to the show..." Tears were streaming down my cheeks again, they were dropping down onto Ryan's hospital gown, but I didn't try to rub them away, I didn't really care. The show, I'd managed to get ahold of no one from the label, but I'd left messages for those in charge. I'd also left a message for Pete, afterall, he had more connections than me, maybe he'd be able to let someone know at the label, because once I was done with those phone calls I was all Ryan's.

"C'mon baby, its time to wake up...you gotta wake up..." I laid my head down beside his hand, just holding onto him, and that was how I fell asleep.

I felt someone shaking me, "Bren, Bren..."

Jumping up, I shouted, "WHAT? WHAT? ARE WE THERE? WHERE'S RY? IS HE OK?????"

"No, we have about another twenty minutes, I just wanted you to be awake. I called your parents while you were out, they were fine and understood, wishing you and Ry the best of luck. I called Matt too, and he will have someone cover for you tomorrow and Monday. And the guys drove my car back to my place, luckily I left my keys there, but, uh, I kinda stole your wallet for gas money," he pointed to the middle console, "So, I will pay you back. But, needless to say, we didn't win the Battle..."

I shook my head, "Is that all you think about? The Battle? Ryan could be fucking dead by now! And you think about the BATTLE!?!!?!?!?" I threw my arms over my chest and stared out the window.

"No...I'm sorry Bren," he touched my leg as I pulled away, "I care too, you know I do...It's just the only thing I can think of to take my mind off the bad stuff...."

I sighed and cleared my throat, wiping away the tears, "I'm sorry too...I am...I'm just scared..." I choked back a tear, "Thanks...you know for this...and my parents and stuff....I just. I don't know what I'd do if something were to happen to him, Spence, I don't."

"Well, my calculations were off, and um, we are here, so, I guess we will find out. I'm gonna call Alex and tell him we are here, or leave a message or something..."

I woke up sometime later with a very very sore back and neck, but I was still holding onto Ryan's hand and he still was out. I rubbed my eyes with my free hand and just looked at my best friend. I felt so drained, so utterly drained, and so scared. I licked my lips and looked around. I needed a drink, badly, but I wasn't going to leave him again. I left him long enough to make the phone calls, I wasn't going to leave him in order to go make myself more comfortable, not when he was the one really injured and I only had a bump on my head.

Hearing a noise at the door, I turned and saw a nurse checking the chart at his door. She smiled over at me and came in, her eyes flicking to Ryan before back at me. "How're you doing hon? Is there anything I can get for you?"

I gave her a week smile and nodded a little. "Would it be possible to get something to drink? I just...I don't want to leave him."

She gave me a smile and nodded. "Of course hon. There is a machine just down the hall, I'll go and get something for you. Are you hungry? You haven't eaten anything since you got here. Oh, nevermind, I'll see what I can find for you and it'll be up to you if you eat it." She gave me a mothering smile as she left the room again and I turned my attention back to Ryan.

"Hey Ry. I'm sorry I fell asleep on you there. I didn't mean to. I just...god Ry, I was so tired...I just put my head down and I was gone. I'm sorry. See, I need you to wake up and hit me, make fun of me for falling asleep. God, babe...you just gotta wake up, okay?"

I didn't even wait for Spencer as I jumped out of the parked vehicle and walked inside. The instant smell of the hospital stopped me. I hated these places. Hated them more than anything in the world. I walked up to the reception desk as someone on a gurney was rushed past all bloody and broken. That could be Ryan...he could be...

Spencer was right behind me as the lady at the desk asked if she could help us. Again, I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I felt Spencer's hand on my back, "Ma'am, we are looking for Ryan Ross, is he here?"

She pecked away on her computer, "Well, visiting hours were over two hours ago, and we have three Ross's here, and no Ryan, sorry kids...maybe he has checked out already, or it was another hospital."

I knew he was there. I knew Alex wouldn't lie. And I knew he would have called if he were out, "NO!" I tried to keep my voice down, "It's George, George Ryan Ross, and we did not just drive four damn hours here for you to turn us away. I am tired. I have been crying. I smell like my own vomit. I want to see my boyfriend. And I am not leaving this desk until I do!"

I felt Spencer rub circles on my back as she stared at me, picking up the phone, but covering her mouth for no one would hear the conversation. She hung up the phone and looked at us, "Alice on the third floor will meet you at those elevators down there," she pointed to our left.

"Thank you..." I muttered between closed teeth as we walked and waited for Alice. She came and we followed her. Spencer made small talk as we approached a room. My stomach tied in more knots than one as she lead us to an open door. My breath hitched as I looked at the person inside.

The nurse returned with a bottle of coke and a piece of pizza. She smiled at me and set it down on the tray by the bed. I thanked her before she left and immediately took a drink before looking back at my beautiful best friend, my battered best friend.

"You know what we're gonna do Ry? When you wake up and we leave here, we're gonna go and have a huge party. We're gonna go to that show and we're gonna own it. Okay? We'll be fashionably late, we'll walk in there and they'll treat us like royalty. We'll call Pete, have him bring all his friends from all the bands, and we'll have the biggest, hottest, most celeb-filled after party ever. What do you think about that? Wouldn't that be amazing?"

I reached up and brushed his hair aside again. "You're beautiful Ry, you know that? You're always so beautiful." I played my fingers in the strands for a moment before whispering. "The hospital doesn't do you justice. You need to have color around you. And this hospital gown...you make it look hot, but it still just doesn't suit you. I think you should design a fashionable hospital gown when you wake up. Then you can make millions by designing it. It'll be the perfect hospital gown. Maybe even black?"

I smiled softly to myself before dipping my head down to kiss his hand again. "Just wake up for me Ry. Show me those eyes that melt hearts..."

Standing there, tears welled up in my eyes. I was sure anyone could hear my heart pounding in my chest. I felt Spencer take my hand to guide me in the room, but I pushed it away as I leaned against the wall, sliding until I hit the ground. Not even making a sound. I couldn't see Ryan's face from there, and that was how I liked it. I didn't want to see it, because if I saw it, then it was true. And I didn't want my boyfriend to be lying in a fucking hospital bed.

I watched as Spencer walked quietly over to Alex, placing his hand on his back. When we had walked in, I heard Alex's voice mumbling something to Ryan. I couldn't make it out, but I knew it was his voice. And there he was sitting. Touching and talking to Ryan. How was he so strong? How could I not stand up and walk over and see my boyfriend? What was wrong with me?

Grabbing my shins, I pulled my legs up into my chest, placing my head in my knees. I was shaking. Shaking and gasping from the tears. I needed to get up and see Ryan. I needed to talk to him. But I couldn't.

I looked up when I felt a hand on my back, seeing Spencer standing there, I just stared. The fact that Spencer was standing there, in LA, just didn't click at all. After a few moments of staring at him, I turned back to looking at Ryan. After another few minutes I looked back and whispered. "Spence? What...what're you doing here?"

It was then that my eyes strayed to the door and I saw Brendon there, on the floor, curled up in a ball. Snapping to it, I turned back to Ryan. I reached for his cheek, just running my fingertips against it. "Hey...Ry...guess what?! Brendon and Spence came to see us. They're gonna go with us to the show tonight. They wanna go to the afterparty. How good of them was it to surprise us, huh?"

I wiped at my face with my free hand. "You just gotta wake up now and tell them how happy you are they decided to surprise us. Just open those gorgeous eyes Ry. Please? Open them and say hi?"

I looked up when I heard Alex talking. Was Ryan awake? He looked like he was asleep when we walked in. He must be, cause he said that we were going to the concert with them. I turned to look down the hall to see if the doctors were coming because Ryan and Alex and us were going to go to see the concert.

Stepping in, I smiled, "Come on then, let's get the doctor and let's go to the concert..." I made it about a foot from Ryan's bed when I looked down at him. He wasn't awake. He didn't even look like he was fucking breathing... What the hell, that was bullshit! Spence saw the look in my eyes, running over to shield me from Ryan and stop me from breaking down, he threw his arms around me.

"Shh," he said as he looked over at Alex, "Alex, we are here to see you and Ryan. Look at me Alex, how long has he been out? What have the doctors said? Is he ok?" Spencer bombarded him with questions as I clung to him. Unfortunately I was facing Ryan, so when my eyes were open, I could see him. But, I couldn't force myself to close them. I knew it was Ryan, only by his nose, everything else, he could have been a complete stranger, and I wouldn't have known any different.

I looked over at Spencer and Brendon before looking away again. My fingers played with Ryan's and I looked at the difference in my hand against his. I hated that he was in that bed. I hated that we were in the hospital. I hated that I was trying to get him to wake up with talking about a concert that we were never going to make.

"He...He's been..." I closed my eyes. "He's been out since the accident...he...he hasn't..." I wiped my eyes again. I didn't want to talk about it, but I knew I had to. Slowly, I looked over at the two of them. "He has a broken leg...it...it damn near shattered...his ribs...they're bruised, maybe broken..." I looked back up at Ryan, reaching up and brushing the hair away from the bandage on his temple, my voice dropping dramatically. "It's his head they're worried about..."

I wiped at my eyes again, I couldn't look at them, I didn't want to talk about it. All I wanted to do was have Ryan back, the Ryan that was driving the car before the accident, my best friend.

Spencer reached out to touch Alex's hand, "Oh God Alex, I'm sorry...it's going to be ok...it will. Nothing can happen to Ryan, nothing can, no one will let anything happened to him."

We both knew he was lying. But I wasn't one to call him out on it. I wanted to believe him. So, I was going to. Ryan was going to be ok. Ryan was going to come out of this and he was going to be ok. He was going to wake up and smile and laugh and talk and he was going to kiss me! That was it, because he was my Ryan. My Ryan. The only boy in the whole wide world that I cared about the way I did.

I stepped out of Spencer's arms and walked up to Ryan. I nodded as Spencer announced that he was going to go get us a drink, and talk to the nurse. Leaning down to kiss Ryan on cheek, I kept my lips just barely touching his skin, "He is going to be ok," I said to myself more than anyone, "You are Ryan, you are going to be ok. You are going to be ok Ryan," I let the tears fall freely again down my face, "You are going to be ok because I care about you so much, and, and I, and I care about you so much Ryan, I do, so you, you have to be ok, you have to pull through for you and Alex and Spencer and your parents, but Baby, you have to pull through for me, cause I, I don't wanna. I don't wanna be without you. I care too much Ry, I care too much..."

I just sat there and watched Brendon while I still held onto Ryan's hand. I didn't know if I should leave him alone with Ryan, but I just couldn't pull myself away from him. I didn't think, if I left the room, I'd get any further than just a few steps down the hall before I'd collapse down onto the floor the way Brendon did when he walked into the room.

"Bren...I...I'm sorry..." I looked down. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't look at the way he was looking at Ryan, he was just as torn up as I was, which wasn't a good thing. We were both destroyed over our beautiful Ryan, we were both a mess. We were no help to each other at all in the shape that we were in. We needed Spencer to come back, he at least had it together while the two of us were losing it.

Slowly, I pulled my hand away from Ryan's. I didn't want to stop touching him, just to reassure myself that he was still there, but I needed to get into a little more comfortable position, and the piece of pizza that the nurse had gotten for me was still sitting there untouched next to my soda that I'd only had one sip of. I took a bite of the room temperature pizza and that was all I wanted to put into my mouth. I sighed and put it back down on the plate before taking another sip of the soda. I just didn't know what to do with myself.

It felt weird being alone in the room with Alex and a none responsive Ryan. Alex and I were never alone unless something had gone wrong, and I guessed well, now something has gone wrong. But not the something that I wanted. It was something that might never be fixed.

Running my fingers through Ryan's hair, I looked up at Alex, "Alex," I shook my head, "It's not your fault, it was an accident, right? I know you would never do this intentionally, so you have nothing to be sorry for..." I looked back at Ryan and spoke softer, "It's not your fault..." This time I said it, chills ran up my spine. I knew it wasn't his fault, and I would never blame him, I was just wondering why he said it. I'd have to ask him.

As I glanced up at him, I saw Spencer come in the room, followed by a nurse. She walked over and checked various things on Ryan. I watched her immensely as I looked up and saw Spencer moving over to give Alex a hug, "Hey, you need one?" he asked him as he held out his arms to him.

I nodded a little before shaking my head a little. "I should have been driving, it shouldn't have been him driving. If it had been me, at least it would be me in that bed instead of him. Maybe I'd have done something different. Maybe we'd have left earlier, or later...fuck...I just don't know!" I dropped my head back into my hands as the nurse moved around the room. I knew I should reach for Ryan's hand again, let him know I was still there, but I felt like I couldn't move. No, it wasn't my fault, but I felt like it was.

Looking up at Spencer's voice, I gave him a weak smile. I didn't deserve to be loved on at that moment, at least, I didn't feel like I did, but that didn't mean that I didn't want it at the same time. I felt like I could crumple up and cry everything out of myself, but I knew that I couldn't. I had to be strong for Ryan. I had to be strong for Brendon too.

I whispered. "I just want him to wake up, Spence. He needs to wake up."

"You can't change what happened Alex, it was an accident..." I managed to whisper as Spencer stared at Alex.

"I know you do Alex, we all do, but I know you do even more," he wrapped his arms loosely around Alex, "He will wake up. I talked to the nurse, she said he has a high percentage of waking up soon, so, he will Alex...he will..."

The nurse coughed as she finished up, then she hesitated before speaking, "My shift is over soon, and it's past visiting hours. And, I feel bad for saying this, but two of you will have to go. I can talk to the next nurse about one of you staying in case he wakes up, but I know they won't accept it if there are three people. I am sorry," she glanced at her watch, "But, my relief will be here in about twenty minutes."

"No," Spencer removed his arms from Alex, "We understand, and thank you for letting us see him, but, his parents should be arriving, can they see him when they get here? They are driving from Vegas like we had..."

She gave him a weak smile, "I will tell the next nurse, and let her know the situation," moving her eye to all of us, "I'll give you a few minutes alone with him..."

I bit my lip and looked down at Ryan before reaching over and taking his hand. I didn't want to leave him, but I knew Brendon didn't either. I really did not want to go though, I'd been ready to spend the night by his side, holding his hand and talking to him until he opened his eyes and looked up at me. I wanted to see his eyes and his beautiful smile, only then would I be happy.

Looking over at Brendon and Spence, I sighed softly. "So...two of us have to leave...how...how do we figure out who goes? I...I don't have a car...we...we rented it for a few days so we could do all the things we had to do outside of LA this week...its...its totaled now. So...I can't get back to the apartment..."

My thumb moved slowly over Ryan's hand, just running along it and touching his skin. It still felt like normal, it didn't feel like anything had changed. It didn't feel like he could be in trouble of dying. My eyes flitted up to the bandage along his temple and I closed my eyes again. They were going to make me leave his side and I just really didn't want to. I knew that I'd rather sleep in the waiting room then go home and leave him there, where I wouldn't be if he woke up.

Spencer looked between the two of us, "I am just going to go, um," he pointed to the door before rubbing Alex's arm and walking out.

I bit my lip as I looked over at Alex, my hand was now running up and down Ryan's arm, "Alex, no one is going to blame you. I don't blame you, Spencer doesn't blame you. I'm sure Ry's parents won't blame you and neither will Ryan. It was an accident. Really, it was. So, now, you have to believe that, ok? Please, I know it is hard to do, but don't beat yourself up over it. Use your energy to be strong for Ryan."

Leaning down, I placed a kiss on Ryan's lips, then lightly on every feature of his face that wasn't bandaged. I gulped and sniffed my nose as I pulled back biting my lip. Walking around the bed to Alex, I sighed, "Alex, look at me for just a second, ok?" I waited until he looked at me to continue. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I spoke lightly, "It's not your fault. Please be strong for him," I could feel the tears coming down my face, "Just," I choked lightly, "Be...be strong, an, an, and call me as soon as," I gulped, "As he, as he wakes up. I don't care what time it is, you call me! Ok?"

I nodded a little, looking up at Brendon. Without really thinking, I wrapped my arms around Brendon's waist, since that was the easiest thing for me to grab ahold of, and pulled him to me, hugging him tightly. I buried my face into his chest and just held onto him. It wasn't because it was Brendon, it was because it was just someone to hug and hide in for a moment.

Pulling back after a few moments, I looked up at him and nodded a little, reaching up to wipe at my own eyes. I nodded again and cleared my throat a little. "Where...where are you gonna be?" I ran a hand through my hair.

I frowned for a moment before continuing and whispering softly. "Why...why aren't you telling me you're staying? I...you..." I whimpered softly. I was torn, I was torn because I wanted to stay there with Ryan, but, Brendon was his boyfriend. There was the selfish part of me that said that I had the right to stay because I was his best friend, knew him longer, and was there during the accident, but then there was Brendon, he was his boyfriend, he had a right too.

I knew I had to be the strong one right here. And I knew I couldn't be selfish, even as much as I wanted to be. I looked down at him, biting my lip as I placed my hand on his neck, "You, you," I shook, "You have to be here, you do..." I watched Ryan for a moment, the glanced back to Alex. I was glad he hugged me. I was glad he let it out. I just wished we both could have stayed, not only for Ryan, but for each other, "I dunno where we will be, but you need to be here Alex, you do..." I nodded to him as I leaned forward to place a kiss on his cheek, "Please, be here for him, and call me when he wakes up," I gave him a quick hug before pulling away and walking out of the room.

Once I made it out the hall, Spencer was right next to me. Luckily he had his arms around me, because I was about to collapse. I struggled lightly to breath as the tears streamed down my face, "I didn't want to leave him, Spence, what if, what if he doesn't wake up Spence, what if..." I grabbed a hold of his shirt and almost ripped it as I cried into his shoulder. His words, that I couldn't remember, and hand rubbing up and down my back, calmed me more than I thought. It actually made me quite tired. I pulled back, wiping my nose, "Where, where are we gonna go?" I hiccuped as I looked at him.

Smiling at me, "I talked to the receptionist, and she said there is a hotel about two miles up the road with really cheap single rooms, so we can go there..."

I shook my head, "No, it's too far Spence, can we, can we just stay here or in the car? Please? You can have the backseat...I just, I don't wanna be too far Spencer, I want to be here when he wakes up. I don't want to be far..."

Watching Brendon walk out of the room, I wiped at my eyes again before moving over and closer to Ryan. I took his hand in my again and leaned down to kiss it softly. Luckily he was in his own room, there wasn't a roommate there, but there was an empty bed. I wondered if they'd let me sleep on it or if they were going to bring in a cot. Either way, I wanted to be close enough to Ryan that I could hold his hand and reach out and touch him while I slept.

I was thinking about that as the nurse came in and gave me a small smile. "Okay hon, I worked it out, if you're spending the night, you can use the extra bed. Its movable, so you can move it closer, but we're going to need to leave enough space between in case the doctors need access to his other side during the night."

I looked up with wide eyes. "Why would they need to do that?!"

She smiled softly at me and moved over to the other bed, moving it for me. "We may need to access his IV, or the monitors." She pointed over at the monitors that were indeed on that side and I nodded in understanding.

"Okay, thank you." I moved over to the side as she left and climbed up onto the bed. It wasn't quite as close as I wanted it to be, but I could see him and I could almost reach his hand. It was good enough.