Title: This is Bullshit (33/?)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan
Rating: R
Summary: Ryan is back in town (Saturday).
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write. howido_fics is Brendon, youbrat is Ryan. Ryan's pov is in blue and Bren's is normal black.





I was about to actually go down and see if my mom needed help when I heard my phone ring. My heart skipped a beat, like it had every time it rang the past three days. But it was just Spencer. I opted to ignoring it, but I knew Spencer, he would keep calling back over and over again until I actually did answer.

“Yea.”

“Hey! WOW! You answered on my first try! Oh, dude, you would never guess it, Alex just came over and we hung out, you know, just the two of us, We might even do something tonight if Ryan is still wanting to be alone, and sweet, that would be awesome, cause we could hang out and all!”

Wait. What? Alex. Ryan. In town?

“What? Spence? Ryan is here?”

“I dunno, I just know Alex is, and Ry wanted to be alone or something. Alex was kinda upset about that, why? Didn’t Ry call you?”

Ok, so, for once I did keep my mouth shut, no one knew about me and Ry except my mom and I.

My mom had left me alone all day, as I'd requested. I knew I was supposed to be happy to be home, but if it weren't for the plane tickets I'd bought in advance, I would have stayed in LA, Alex would have stayed with me, and we would most likely have spent the weekend with Fall Out Boy and My Chem. I could have been partying all weekend with them because they were all staying in LA for the weekend. Fall Out Boy had some work to finish up at the beginning of the next week and My Chem were recording all of the next week. I wanted to be back in LA with them, partying with them, and continuing from last night.

Sighing softly, I settled into one of the chairs beside the pool. It was hot out and I was probably going to regret being outside, but I didn't really want to be in my room anymore. I could have gone swimming, but I really didn't want to. I was also wishing I hadn't asked Alex to go out and leave me alone, at least then he would have been there holding me. I was just hoping he wouldn't have taken that to mean that he needed to stay away all day, because I needed my best friend.

I curled up into a ball on the chair and just sat there, thinking to myself. I hadn't been the same since that phone call. Pete had picked up on it the moment he'd walked into the studio the next day. He immediately was at my side and had his arm around me and was talking to me in the softest voice ever. If I hadn't been in love with his voice before that moment, I was right then. I think I'm lucky I didn't break down into tears as I talked to him. He kinda took over Alex's job, but it was okay because it felt good to be taken care of by someone else too. He'd taken care of me since, helping Alex really. It was kinda cute, or at least, I probably would have thought it was if it hadn't been for how miserable I was feeling.

I hung up the phone before I even said goodbye. I needed to see Ryan, and I needed to see him as soon as possible. I ran frantically around my room, not caring that I was shirtless and in the pants still from the night before as I looked for my shoes. They could be anywhere in this damn room, and I didn’t have time to worry about them. Fuck shoes.

Running down the stairs, I yelled to my mom that I would be right back as I grabbed the keys on the way out and ran across the hot pavement, barefoot, to hop in my car and head over to Ryan’s house. We didn’t live that far away, but it seemed like hours to get there. It was the worst drive I had ever taken. I didn’t know what would have come out of my visit with him, or if he would even let me visit him at all.

As soon as I made it on the street in front of his house, I cut someone off to park in front and got out, sprinting to the front door. I rang the bell waiting for someone to answer, and panicked until I saw Ryan’s mom. I didn’t even say hello when I blurted out, “I need to see Ryan!”

I closed my eyes as I just felt the sun beating down on me. I would probably burn and then regret being outside for as long as I'd end up being there, but I couldn't really bring myself to care all that much if I got burnt or not. That had been a lot of my problem since the other night, I couldn't really care. I cared enough about work and the guys in Fall Out Boy to not fuck up my job or anything they needed from me. But everything else, well, lets just say I pretty much spent the time I wasn't at work in Alex's bed, even if I wasn't asleep.

I pulled my cell phone out and called Alex, waiting until he picked up and asked how I was doing before saying anything. "I'm okay I guess. Are you staying here tonight?" I could hear him hesitate and in some ways I could even hear him think before answering. "Do you want me there tonight, Ry?"

Nodding, even though he couldn't see me, I really wanted him back right then and there. "How soon can you get back here? I think I need you Lex."

"I'll be there in ten minutes, okay? Don't worry, I'll be right there."

I smiled weakly and said thank you before we hung up and I went back to being curled up on the chair with nothing else to occupy my mind other than Alex being on his way 'home'.

Ryan’s mom mentioned that he was out by the pool, but asked not to be bothered, and that even Alex was out for the day, but I was welcome to give it a try. I gave her a quick hug and walked through the house to the back door out towards the pool.

So many memories washed over me from that house. So much happened there. It was unreal. And seemed somewhat surreal to think that this could possibly be the last time I ever walked through here. I could very much so leave here as a single man. Not that I wanted to, but I wasn’t sure how this would end. I didn’t want it to end, but just didn’t know the answers to the questions that could piece the puzzle back together.

I scanned the backyard until I saw Ryan. He was about in the same state as me. No shirt no socks, no shoes. Despite the temperature outside, chills ran through my body as I stared at him. I didn’t know what to say, I just stared at him and took him in and walked up to him with his back to me. I was completely content with staying silent and a shadow until I gained the courage to talk. Listen to me, I needed courage to talk to someone who three days ago was my boyfriend.

I was doing a good job of being inconspicuous. That was until Ryan’s mom opened the door to ask me if I wanted something to drink.

Frowning, I sat up and turned. I saw Brendon standing there and turned away, getting up and walking over to the pool and sitting down on the edge. I dangled my feet into the water and looked down at it. I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to not cry. I couldn't believe he was there. I had hoped he wouldn't know I was home and he would leave me alone.

"What do you want Brendon?"

I bit my lip softly, silently wishing for Alex to get home soon so that I wasn't there alone with Brendon. I didn't really want to hear what he had to say. I didn't want to have a conversation with him. I didn't want to have to go through the argument we'd had the other night. And I definitely didn't want to have to go through what I'd gone through since the argument.

I was home because I'd already bought plane tickets and I couldn't lose that money by not using them, but I wanted the weekend to go by as fast as possible so I could get back to LA and get back into work. It had been work that had gotten me through the days since the fight. Well, work, Alex, and Pete.

My feet remained planted on the back porch. I couldn't move. I knew I needed to talk to him and tell him what I had rehearsed over and over and over and over again constantly in my mind, but I just couldn't do it. Part of me wanted to turn and run and never look back, but there was the little side of me that told me to stay. To stay and to fix it all. I just wasn't sure if opening my mouth would help.

And, no, I knew sex would not get us out of this. I fucked up. I fucked up royally as some might say.

Somehow, someway something inside of me made me move, almost like I was being pushed towards him. I turned around and no one was there, but I decided to follow it's instincts before it shoved me into the water and held me under.

Making my way to him, I cleared my throat, "I, I want to talk. I mean, I owe you an apology and an explanation." Ok, not what I had planned, but hopefully it would work.

"Oh really. And what is it you're going to apologize for? And what is it you're going to explain?" I shook my head and closed my eyes again. I hated these situations, I hated them more than anything else in the world. I just didn't know how to deal with this one. I wanted Alex to show up. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and hold me. I wanted him to tell me what to do because I felt so utterly lost.

I rested my elbows on my knees and put my chin into my hands. There was a part of me that just wanted him to turn around and leave, leaving me to just deal with how miserable I was alone. Or at least until Alex got there. I really hadn't wanted to spend much time with anyone, I'd spent time with Alex since the fight, but I'd spent most of my time with Fall Out Boy, and in particular, Pete.

I pulled my feet out of the water and rested them on the edge of the pool. Wrapping my arms around my legs, I rested my chin on my knees. I just wasn't comfortable, I felt fidgety.

I swallowed as I watched him. It may have been 90 degrees, but chills were running up and down my spine, and not the good kind. Not the kind I got when we were alone and naked and holding each other. They were the kind you get when you just got caught doing something wrong, or when you are sitting at your grandfather's funeral, or when you are about to be attacked by a dog. Not the best thing to have. By any means.

I wanted to sit down, but I wasn't even sure if I was welcome. He looked at me once. The whole, ok, two minutes I have been here, but still once.

"Ryan, can't," there they were, those chills again. I cleared my throat and swallowed, "Can't you at least turn and look at me?" I asked, I knew it was a fat chance, but it was a chance I had to take. I was sure it would have been easier to have this conversation with his back turned to me, but I wanted and needed to see him.

"Why?" I rested my cheek down onto my knees, looking away from him still. "Why should I look at you Brendon? I mean seriously, do you even care?"

I hugged my legs to myself more when I heard the backdoor open again. "Ry?" I felt something inside me relax when I heard Alex's voice. With Alex there, I knew I'd be okay. It wasn't that I thought Brendon would physically hurt me or anything, it was a little more of a fear of more emotional hurt. There was just something about his presence.

I looked over to see him coming toward me. He nodded at Brendon and my eyes flicked over to...well, I didn't know what to call him, I didn't know if boyfriend was the right term anymore. Alex reached me and offered me his hand. Taking it, I didn't look at Brendon, but I let Alex pull me to my feet and into his arms as he looked back at Brendon. "What's going on Brendon?"

I frowned a little, wishing that Alex would have told him to go away instead of stay and talk to him.

I looked between the two of them, and now instead of chills, fire shot through my body, it was almost as though I was embarrassed, but I had no reason to be, but for some reason, the heat rested on my cheeks. I was sure I looked like a compete dumbass, but not that Ryan carried, cause he still wasn't looking at me.

What the fuck, I mean really. I fucked up once and BAM he fell out of love with me and now I was the worst thing to walk the face of the earth? This was bullshit. Complete and udder bullshit. I fought back tears as I looked at Alex, "I came to talk to Ryan," I managed to say. Loud enough for them to hear, but soft enough to not show the now anger that was building in my mind.

Clenching my teeth, I looked back to Ryan, just staring at him until he made I contact with me. Did he honestly think I wouldn't come over? Did he think that Spence wouldn't tell me that he saw Alex? Did he think that I was just going to let him go like this? And more importantly, was that what he wanted?

I felt Alex's hand run up and down my side as he gave me a good hug. He was so important to me, and he was the best friend I could ever ask for. I didn't want to get hurt again. I knew, looking at Brendon, it would hurt. I knew that talking to him would hurt too. I was sure everyone would think that I was being a baby over something insignificant, but I didn't care, I still couldn't believe he'd keep something from me like he did.

Alex nodded and slid his arm around my waist and turned us a little toward Brendon. "Do you mind if I stick around? Because honestly, I'm not leaving Ryan alone right now, especially since he asked me to be here. You haven't seen him the past few days, but I'm not leaving. I only left earlier because he wanted to be alone. But if you're here Brendon, I'm staying."

He led me over to the chairs and sat down, pulling me into his lap and motioning Brendon that he could sit down. "Lex..."

He shook his head. "Shush Ry. He wants to talk, that's better than nothing, right? You've been pretty miserable since the fight you two had. So, you two should talk. I'm not leaving, but you should talk. If nothing else, I don't want you being miserable. I feel like I haven't seen you since the night of the fight. You buried yourself with Fall Out Boy and then you pushed me away when we got home. I'm worried about you and it all started with the fight you two had. So I think that's something you should try to work it out, if nothing else, talk through it and see where you are at the end of it."

I followed Alex's lead and sat down. I really didn't want him to be there, but if that was the only way that Ryan would listen to me, then what else should I do?

So, I decided to be honest. Something I should have thought about in the first place. Well, not that I lied, but that I should be honest and tell everything, especially now. I needed to tell the truth. I knew what the truth was, and he most likely knew what the truth was too. He went to Alex for thing, I went to my mother. It was as simple as that.

"Alex," I looked at him as I got comfortable, "I would rather you not be here, but as much as you have done for the two of us, don't really have the right to say no to you right now," I looked over at Ryan, "And if this is the only way Ryan will listen to me, if you are here, then I guess that is how it will have to be."

I finished and took a deep breath, looking over at the pool before back as Ryan, "Ryan. I am sorry for hurting you. And making you miserable," I looked down at my fingers, "And for not talking to you when you wanted me too..." I trailed off.

"Oh, did you finally figure out why I hung up the phone that night? Did you finally figure out why I was upset on the phone? Took you three days to figure that out or something?" I hid my face a little into Alex's shoulder, rubbing my eyes against his shirt so that Brendon wouldn't know I was crying. It hurt, the fact that he wouldn't talk to me and tell me what he'd told his mother. It hurt that he went these days without finding a way to get ahold of me, because he could have if he wanted to.

Alex tightened his grip on me and held me closer to him. He knew I was crying, yet again. He'd wiped my tears away a lot in the past few days. I think he even wiped them away when I pushed him away and spent all my time with Fall Out Boy and not with him. Even at the big party I avoided Alex and stayed to the bands. It had helped that I'd spent so much time with them in those two days. But I still think, despite me pushing Alex away and despite the alcohol I consumed as well in those two days, I still think I somehow ended up in Alex's arms with him wiping away my tears.

"What made you suddenly figure out what the problem was Brendon? What made you suddenly realize that you wanted to talk to me and that you were sorry. What exactly are you sorry for?" This time, once I was sure I didn't look like I was crying, I looked at him.

Ok. So the chills were back.

I licked my lips and bit the bottom one before I allowed it to slip out of my mouth. I didn’t know what to say. Ok, I went over this already, I just didn’t know how to say it. I dropped my gaze to my fingers again as I gulped. But now when I looked up, he was looking directly at me.

“I didn’t want to do it over the phone,” and that was the honest truth. What would if have proved to talk to him over the phone about this? Absolutely nothing. That was the reason I said I didn’t want to talk about it in the first place.

“Ryan, I didn’t want to get into it over the phone. I am sorry I upset you, like I said, and I am sorry it took so long for me to talk to you. And I was sorry the second I mentioned anything about my mother. But I can’t take that back, it has already happened. And I don’t even want to take it back. When you have a problem or issue or, hell, something amazing happens in your life, you go to Alex. Well, my mother is that person for me Ryan.”

"You still don't get it Brendon, do you?" I shook my head and looked away again, looking out over the pool and resting against Alex a little more. "You really don't get it if you're going to sit there and apologize for talking to your mom. If that's what you think the whole thing was about, you really, seriously just do not get it."

I looked back at Alex. "Lex, let me go. Please. I wanna go inside. I don't want to talk. I just want to go inside." I gave him the best puppy dog eyes I could, hoping he'd give in and let me go so that I could get up and leave the situation. If Brendon could not understand what upset me and if all he thought was that I was mad that he talked to someone other than me, then I didn't want to hear it, because that was far from the truth.

Alex shook his head. "You can't just...turn around and walk away unless thats what you really want Ry. I sat there and listened to you talk about how much you love him. I understand you being mad. Really, I'm not saying you don't have every fucking right to be pissed off at Brendon right now over this. But Ry, if you turn and walk away, there's the very good possibility he won't try to talk to you again. That means this relationship you two are in would be over, unless you made the effort toward him and he accepted it. So unless you want this to end right here and now, and I'm not talking this fight, I'm talking the relationship, don't just walk away."

He looked me in the eyes the whole time he said it, making sure I heard him, and then he loosened his hold on me, giving me the chance to get up and leave.

I sat up and leaned in. I wanted to touch him. I wasn’t sure why, cause he could have very much so just shoved me away even more. I talked about this with my mom. Yes, my mom, and she told me what Ryan was feeling, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what it was. I knew it had something to do with my mom’s opinion of Ryan know. But it hadn’t changed, it was just the same. She knew everyone had a past, and she was fine with it.

But Ryan didn’t know that.

I sighed, “Ryan. I told her everything.”

And there were the chills again, followed by the tears just waiting for some sort of facial movement to come spilling down. But I stayed still and kept strong. I knew that I had to. I prepared my body to flinch or run. I prepared my mind to understand why he too would run. I just sat there like a zombie, until I managed to speak again, “It was one night when I was upset. And I told her what you told me. And when you ask what, it was everything,” I looked down at my hands again, big mistake as a huge tear fell and rolled down my fist. I shook my head, speaking softly, “But she doesn’t think any different of you.”

I just sat there against Alex. I heard Brendon's words and I looked down at my lap. I never wanted parents to know how big of a whore I was. Hell, my own parents didn't know how big of a slut I was. They never knew how many guys I gave my body to, and if I had my wish, they'd never know. But Brendon's mom knew. It was what I feared he would eventually say. And he may say she didn't think differently of me, but somewhere inside she had to be concerned that her son was dating a slut and that her son's first time was with me.

I closed my eyes and felt Alex squeeze me a little. I knew he was there to support me and back me through all of it. But at the same time, he was also there to make sure I did the right thing.

"Why didn't you just answer me when I asked you Brendon? You said you didn't want to talk about it. You got all defensive and you wouldn't just tell me that you told her everything. Didn't you think I had the right to know that she knows my entire past before walking into your house today to see you and her? Did you think I deserved the truth?"

“I didn’t want to talk about it because, yes, at the time I didn’t see what the problem was. I knew you were ok with your past, you knew I was ok with your past, but the only thing is, is that you didn’t know my mother was ok with your past. At the time, I didn’t think about your side. I’ll admit, I was stupid and, well, not really selfish, but I knew my mom didn’t mind and so, I just assumed that you knew too.”

I let out a long sigh, “And yes, I was wrong. My assumption was wrong. And I know now I was. At the time, not so much. But, I do understand why you are upset, and I am sorry. I knew I couldn’t have fixed anything that night, hell, I thought about it all night, and I still had no clue. I don’t have the most common sense to put two and two together, and I was wrong.”

“I will admit that I was wrong for not understanding your feelings. I am admitting that right now. And I am also apologizing to you for avoiding the subject when asked and for making you upset. I would never do it intentionally. I care about you far too much to do that.”

Alex leaned up and kissed my jaw before murmuring. "I'm gonna go inside, let the two of you talk without me here for a few minutes, okay?"

I gripped onto him and shook my head, my eyes wide as I looked at him. "No...NO! Stay, Lex, please?" I could hear the shake to my voice and I closed my eyes, collapsing down against Alex, almost crumbling in on myself as I clung onto him so he wouldn't get up and leave. I needed my backbone there right then more than I think I ever had. Alex often gave me a strength that I didn't have. It had been hard learning how to live without it at college, but I had it back now, and I needed it desperately.

I took a few breaths, trying to figure out what I was supposed to say or what I wanted to say before actually speaking again. "I...it hurt...a lot...you wouldn't tell me what you told her. You kept it from me. I asked the simple question of what it was, you wouldn't answer. I just wanted, just needed that question answered. You couldn't, you wouldn't even answer it. I asked it, but you wouldn't answer it. Your response was you didn't want to talk about it."

Shaking my head I looked over at Alex for a moment before taking another breath. "It tore me apart, that you wouldn't even tell me what you told her. You seemed to be trying to hide it from me. It fucked me up."

It hurt when he insisted that Alex stay. Yes, I knew their relationship. And I knew how much he meant to him. And I even knew that I was the one who fucked this up. But I needed someone too. And knowing that he too would have been alone just seemed to make it all the better for me. Again, I was being selfish, but these were my thoughts, so I could be however I wanted to be.

“That is because I thought I did do something wrong. The way you reacted, I thought I was wrong for telling her. I didn’t know what it was though. And I didn’t know how I was supposed to know unless you told me and you just hung up the phone. I would have told you what you wanted to hear if I knew why. Like I said, I didn’t see the problem at the time, so I didn’t see the point. But now,” I looked at him, “now Ryan I do see the point and I am sorry I didn’t tell you then.”

I tried to reach out for him, but my hand wouldn’t make it. I think it was the same force that pushed me here that was pulling my back. I just wished it would make up it’s goddamn mind.

“I am sorry Ryan. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I really didn’t…”

"Why did you need to know why in order to tell me what you told her? All I wanted to know was what you told her. In order for you to have told me you would have needed a reason? A why? That doesn't make sense Brendon. You don't always need to know a reason for information requested. Its my life you were talking to your mom about. My life you were exposing to her. My life you were telling someone else when I told you it in confidence. I would think that would be reason enough for you to tell me what you've told her. I could take it another step and ask you what you told Spencer too, but no, I asked what you told your mom when you told me that you'd told her about my past. I wanted to know what you told her. It was a simple question Brendon. It was a simple question that shouldn't have needed me to say 'Brendon, tell me what you told your mother about my life because I don't want everyone to know about my past' or 'Brendon, tell me what you told her because I believe I have the right to know what you're telling people about me' or 'Brendon, tell me what you told her because I want to know what she knows so that when I see her this weekend it isn't a shock when she slaps me and calls me a whore.' I can't see how you needed me to sit there and give you a reason why I wanted my question answered."

I shook my head a little and closed my eyes again. I was getting worked up over all of it, I knew that I was and I couldn't really do anything to stop it. I wanted to, I really did, but I couldn't help it. I thought it was foolish that he wouldn't answer me information about my own life that he was giving out to other people. It was my life after all. It was my past.

I shook my head again. "It fucked me up Brendon. It fucked me up good these past few days."

I squinted as I watched him. It was making my head spin. I just listened and stared. I was sure my mouth was hanging open but couldn’t even tell at the moment. I thought any of those explanations would have been good, I would have told him, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I had a way of digging myself deeper and deeper into conversations, but this was not going to be one of them, that was for sure.

“I,” I tried. I was sure I looked like an asshole at the moment, but I had to keep telling myself, it was not all about me, “I just, I just didn’t know why you wanted to know,” I shook my head, mumbling, “And fuck I am just walking around in circles.”

I got up from my chair and paced. I didn’t know what else to do. Sitting back down I took my head into my hands and sighed, “I fucked up. Ok. I was stupid and wrong. I was assuming the wrong things, and I acted like a fucking child. And I am sorry Ryan. I am sorry I mentioned it. And I am sorry I didn’t answer you. And as for Spencer, he doesn’t know shit. He knows nothing. I only tell my mother.”

My head dropped a little. I didn't want to keep going around about it, I really didn't. I wasn't sure if it would ever really get to a seriously perfect conclusion. Most fights didn't. Both sides got confused and upset, things were said, they either escalated or were just dropped. I didn't know if I had it in me to fight more about it. After all, I wasn't entirely without guilt about things. Just because Brendon wasn't entirely smart about interpersonal relationships didn't mean that was the worst thing he could do.

I reached up and rubbed at my eyes and looked out over the pool again. I took a breath and closed my eyes, leaning my head against Alex as I just thought about what i was going to say. About what I was going to tell Brendon. I bit my lip, just playing with it between my teeth for a few moments.

After a little while of silence, I whispered softly. "I don't really remember everything I've done the past two days..." I furrowed my eyebrows a little and felt Alex's arms tighten around me. He knew what I was getting at. He knew I got drunk as soon as I was out of work, and I was sure he had words with those providing me with alcohol. That didn't mean I couldn't admit what had happened, even if I didn't remember it all.

All I could do was stare at him. Did he really just... Good thing my mouth was hanging open, cause the only thing I could logically think right now was 'Breathe in. breathe out'. I felt like a blonde from a bad joke where I had to concentrate on my motions. I tried to say something. I think the word 'Wha...' formed on my lips as I looked between Alex and Ryan. Ryan just stared and Alex had a completely blank, unreadable face.

"What," I shook my head quickly, "What do you mean?" asking the most simplest question. At least I thought it was.

I was afraid of the answer. I knew he said I tore him up and he was fucked up, but, what the hell? Could something like that really make him go out and...I wasn't even sure of what would come out of his lips. Did he get 'I hate Brendon Urie' tattooed on his body? Did he get addicted to crack? Did he kiss Pete Wentz? Did he...did he fuck...Alex?

Alex rubbed my back a little and looked over at him. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. I felt him lean in and whisper into my ear. "Just tell him, Ry. Whatever you remember, just tell him. Okay?" I nodded a little and let my body fall a little more against his as I tried to figure out what exactly I was supposed to say and how exactly I was supposed to answer that.

Averting my eyes from Brendon, I started talking, softly. "I don't really remember much after work. On either Thursday or last night. I know last night was the party. I know we went. I know...I know I drank. I drank Thursday night too. I went out with the guys from Fall Out Boy. I remember starting to drink...then...yesterday and this morning, I woke up in bed with Alex. But I don't remember much between a few drinks and waking up."

I reached up and rubbed at my face, sighing softly and shaking my head. "I vaguely remember, last night, Alex being at the party and not drinking." I looked over at Alex. "You did that because you knew I'd drink and you were going to take care of me?" He nodded a little and I looked down again. "You probably know more about what I've done these last two days than I do."

Um. Ok, now I was even more confused. Again I looked between the two people in front of me. Why was he telling me this? Did it even matter or make sense? Was I supposed to be mad or upset that he chose alcohol to get him through our fight? I mean, that was all it was, right? A fight? A fight over me being a dumbass. What else was there too it?

I held eye contact with Alex, "What?" I simply asked again. I didn't want to over do it. And I really hoped I was over thinking this all for nothing.

Seriously, if he couldn't have remembered, it must not have been that good or that extreme. Right? Or was I just wishing it wasn't. I sighed and looked at Ryan before back to Alex again, waiting for him to tell what Ryan wanted to tell. Hell, I still wasn't sure why he was even bringing it up. Was it just to be truthful and show how upset he was, or did something really happen?

Alex nodded a little and sighed before looking over at Brendon. "I don't know everything. I wasn't there Thursday night, so if anything happened, I couldn't say what it was. But I know that last night..." He looked over at me again. "Ry...you didn't do anything so horrible, okay? I mean, I can't say what could have happened potentially, but nothing really did happen."

I frowned, biting my lip harder and looked up at him. "What did I do?"

Alex smiled softly before looking at Brendon. "Ordinarily, we'd have talked about this before having you sitting here hearing it as he hears it, but, seeing as how he wouldn't even talk to me until about ten minutes ago...don't be too mad Brendon, please." He looked back at me and reached up, brushing the hair from my face. "You weren't so bad early in the night. You just drank, hung out with all the guys. You damn near swooned when Frankie and the guys from My Chem showed up, but Pete seemed to help calm you down. You danced a lot last night. Mostly with Pete, but at the end of the night, when you were obviously too far gone..." He bit his lip and looked between us before back at me. "Ry...you were kissing someone."

I choked on whatever spit I had in my mouth. That right there drew the line. I knew I started this shit, and he was doing it because he was upset with me but still. And how the hell did he expect me to not get mad? My boyfriend kissed someone else. I was fully aware that he kissed Alex everyday, and I was somewhat cool with that, but someone? He was kissing someone??

Clinching my jaw, I grabbed the arms of my chair. I knew I should run. But again with the force that kept me planted, I stayed put. I just stared at the plant on the table in front of me. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't even know what to say. So I just sat there and tried to breath and lost all blood in my fingers as the plastic chair started to give in my hands.

I squeezed my eyes closed and put my head into my hands. Speaking through my hands, I turned a little toward Alex again. "Who was it? Who was I kissing?"

Alex chuckled softly. "Hon, you were kissing Frankie."

My head snapped up and I looked at him with wide eyes. "I WHAT?!"

"You and Frankie were liplocked. Frank Iero. You were kissing him. He was kissing you. He initiated it if what I saw was right. It didn't last long, but you were kissing." His eyes flitted over to Brendon and then back to me before returning to Brendon.

I had no idea what to feel about kissing Frankie. I mean, on one hand Frank Iero was kissing me. On the other hand, that meant I was cheating on my boyfriend, right?

Not only did I feel the tears come to my eyes, but they were now streaming down my face. Most people would say to get over it, cause I pissed him off, so I deserve what I got. Most people would blame it on the alcohol or the adrenaline or the fact that 'it was Frank Iero'. But, if you haven't noticed yet, I was not like most people. And this fucking hurt.

I removed my grip on the chair to wipe my eyes in one quick movement then went back to breaking the arm under my flesh. I knew if it weren't for that that my bottom lip would be bleeding at the moment.

Again, I thought to myself, 'Why are you still sitting here and taking this shit. Be a man and say something. Do something. Run! Anything...' but I couldn't. I knew it was the guardian devil telling me this while the guardian angel just hung it's head and cried with repeating 'karma' over and over again. Well, fuck angel! I was mormon!

I furrowed my eyebrows and looked down, squeezing them closed again before whispering. "Did I do anything with Pete?"

Alex looked up at me and shook his head. "No, Ry, last night you didn't. I watched most of the time, you were close with him, you danced with him, but I didn't see you do anything with him. I took you home before it got too late, you were pretty well gone, you didn't even know I was bringing you home. You didn't realize it was me half the time, and you weren't with it at all. I'm not sure how much you drank last night Ry."

I nodded a little and rubbed at my eyes again. I slid out of Alex's lap and walked over to the pool again, looking down at the water and frowning. I couldn't really believe it. Of course, before I'd left, I'd said that I was going to makeout with some of the band members. I just never really thought it would happen. Let alone that it would happen when me and Brendon had had a huge fight and weren't talking to each other.

My voice was quiet when I continued, just loud enough for them to hear. "Pete kissed me on Thursday...."

Ok, that was it. That drew the goddamn fucking line. And I snapped.

"Are you serious?" I shook my head, "I am not going to sit here and just accept that you did that because you were mad at me? Or you were drunk, or Pete or Frank kissed you first. Do you expect me to just be like..." I placed my hands on my hips, "'Oh, well, ok, I did something bad and now we are even?'" I glared at him.

"You know, you said you weren't upset that I told my mother, but just that I wouldn't tell you what I had said, am I correct?" I looked at him and didn't give him a chance to answer as I went on, "Well, I told her everything, and I am sorry I didn't admit it quick enough for you to go off and throw the fucking phone and give up on us like that. And then, and then, you just FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH ME IN ONE GODDAMN DAY AND FUCKING DO THAT!"

I shook my head as tears streamed down my face, "You know what, fuck you Ryan, fuck you. I felt bad, and I felt sorry you, and I beat the shit out of myself for fucking this up, and you...you go and do this, go and throw away everything we have over a couple of drinks and making out with rock stars..." I was almost out of breath as I took a long on in. I stood up, "Well, if you wanted me to leave before, I'll save you the effort now. I will show myself out of here and your fucking life," with that I shoved the chair in its place and turned to leave.

Tears were streaming down my cheeks and dripping into the pool when I heard Brendon get up. I turned around and looked at him. "I never fell out of love with you Brendon! Never! Not the day after, not yesterday, not today!"

I reached up and wiped at my eyes. I didn't think I had any more tears in my body after three days of crying over the situation. I cried Wednesday night. I cried when I woke up Thursday. I cried at work Thursday. I cried when I woke up Friday. I cried at work Friday. I cried that morning when I woke up. And there I was, crying again. I couldn't understand why he took the kiss from Pete and the drunken kissing with Frank to mean that I'd fallen out of love with him. It wasn't true. I was messed up, I was drinking more than I should have been, but that didn't mean that I had fallen out of love with him.

I rubbed my eyes again and shook my head. "Don't think that what happened was because I fell out of love with you! Don't you dare think that! You're just lying to yourself if you believe that because it is not true! We all fuck up in life Brendon. I'm not saying that it was right. I'm not saying getting drunk was a good choice. But we all fuck up, okay? Yeah, Pete kissed me. I remember that. He kissed me, I don't know why, but he just did. But I don't remember Frank kissing me and I don't remember kissing him! I fucked up, okay Brendon? I fucked up because I was messed up, but that does not mean I ever fell out of love with you!"

The chills were back as I turned around and looked at him. The first time since we had sat down that we made eye contact. And I wasn't sure if I wanted it. When I looked at him, my heart broke. He could clarify it all he wanted, but he still kissed them. Saying that he was fucked up and that he was drunk and all that shit didn't take back the fact that he kissed them, and it never would. Ever.

I stood there shaking my head at him, but still keeping our eyes locked. His eyes now had emotion. And I would pay a million dollars to read them. This was something I have never seen from him before. But, so far, he was never the one who fucked up, it was always me.

"They why?" I croaked out, "Why, and don't blame it on the alcohol or being upset. Lots of people get upset and they drink and the do drugs and they overeat and they don't eat, but why the kissing? Whether you initiated it or not Ryan, why?" I just looked at him as my heart sank and my knees gave out, forcing me to lean against anything, "And did it help? Did it make this any better?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I don't know why. And as for it helping...obviously not! If it had helped do you honestly think I'd still be miserable like this? Do you think, if it had helped, I'd have woken up yesterday morning and this morning in tears? Do you think, if it had helped, that I would have kept drinking to the point where I don't even remember last most of last night's party?! Do you think if it helped that I'd have been sitting here, alone, and miserable when you walked in?"

I shook my head again and wiped at my eyes. I didn't know if I could keep doing this. I just didn't know. I didn't have it in me. I didn't have much in me, which included food, which would account for the feeling of light headedness that I was experiencing.

"Obviously it didn't help enough Brendon. Yeah, drinking gave me time without thinking about it. It didn't hurt when I was drunk. It didn't hurt that my boyfriend didn't want to tell me the truth. It didn't hurt that my boyfriend didn't want to talk to me and answer my one question. But that all went away when I woke up. That all went away when I wasn't drunk anymore. And it all came crashing down on me. So no, it didn't help. And I do not know why. Pete kissed me. I don't know why. And other than knowing how attractive I find Frank, I don't know why I kissed him back!"

I knew we had joked about kissing the two guys and how attractive they were and all that, but it was jokes. I THOUGHT it would never happen, but I was wrong. So damn wrong that now I was hanging on my a small thread. And it was about to break.

I walked up to him, leaning against the table for support, "I know you were upset Ryan, and so was I. But had we talked about it Wednesday night instead of you just hanging up on me, then, we probably would have fixed some things. I am not saying that it would have stopped Pete from kissing you, or you wouldn't have drank so much and had a good time at the party that Frank and you kissed, but it wouldn't make this situation right now as bad as it is."

I was giving him another chance to talk, "I am sorry for what I said back then, and I am sorry for what I said Wednesday night for you to think I wouldn't tell you the truth. But, Ryan, I don't know if I can trust you..."

I bit my lip and looked down, nodding a little. "I'm surprised you ever did trust me..." I reached up and wiped my eyes before looking over at Alex. He nodded and got up, walking over to me.

He put his hand on my arm. "You still haven't eaten, have you?" I shook my head and he guided me over to a seat. "I'll go make you something." He looked over at Brendon, biting his lip a little before he looked back at me. He then walked into the house and closed the door behind him. I knew he didn't want to leave me alone with Brendon. He knew that I needed the support of my best friend, but if things had gotten to the point with Brendon that he was just sitting there.

I put my head in my hands and tried to figure out what to say next. I felt like I was shaking, and I probably was. "I don't know what to say Brendon. I can't make you trust me, just like I can't make you love me. I never said I was right. And saying that I was hurting is obviously no excuse. But it happened. It isn't something I can change now."

"Well, me neither..." I got up and sat next to him, "And I don't know why I trusted you either, but I did, and I can again..." I looked him in the eye and reached up to wipe a tear, "Fuck, Ry, I am sorry I hurt you and upset you, and I will say it a million times until you believe me. And, I don't know if I can forgive you for kissing them, but, but right now, I don't want to fight. And like you said, we can't change it. And I am willing to accept that if you are too."

I looked down and gulped, "And, I am sorry I didn't answer your question that night. I really am. And I could sit here and say that if you would have given me the chance, I would have answered it, but I don't even know if that is true. And this might hurt you, but I am going to be honest, but I talked to my mom about it. And she was the one who brought me to my senses. She was the one who told me what I did wrong. She was the one who told me if I let you walk out of my life that it would be a huge mistake," I bit my lip and looked at him, "And she was the one who told me to trust you and take a chance with you. And to not let the maturity difference affect us and to give you a chance," I said quietly, "And that was after I told her all about you..."

"And now, if she knew that I kissed two guys in the past two days..." I shook my head and looked down again, putting my head in my hands again. My fingers pulled a little at my hair. I hated how I felt. I hated the emotional turmoil. I hated more the physical feelings I was dealing with. I resolved to never use alcohol as my substanance again. Food was the better thing to live off of.

I ran my slightly shaky hands down over my face and looked up at Brendon. "I don't know where to go from here Brendon. I...I don't have any answers this time. I wish I did, but I don't. I really don't." I looked over at the house before taking a breath and sighing. "I wish I had an idea of what to do, what to say, where to turn and where to go from here. I just...I feel lost." I looked up at him again. "I've never been in a situation like this before Brendon. Not ever. This hasn't ever happened before, I don't know what to do!"

I reached up to wipe a tear away again. I could feel my fingers shaking against my cheek and I tried to hide it, but without a shirt on, if he looked closely, he'd probably notice. I didn't want that. I didn't want him to know everything else that was going on with me. I whispered softly. "I wish I had answers."

I could tell by looking at him that I had to be the strong one here. I knew at that moment that it was me that had to pick up the pieces if this relationship was going to work. And it scared me senseless. If he didn't have a clue, then where the hell could I find one? I took a deep breath before looking at him again, "I know, Ryan. And for you to say you never fell out of love with me, that helps. I am not sure what it helps, besides the fact that I didn't leave right then, if that amounts to anything."

Continuing the eye contact I started to let my thoughts spill out in front of us, "But, I don't know what love is. All I know is that fighting with you or not talking to you has been devastating. I can't even think about anything else when I am doing everyday things. And I hate that. I just, I just wish that it had never happened. And I know that is easy to say, and all of our fights in the past, I think had happened to make us stronger, but this time, there is no answer, and that, it just sucks."

Playing with some debris on the table, I kept my eyes fixed on it, "But, I. I just don't see how as mad or as upset or as drunk or whatever you were...I dunno, but, I just don't see how if you loved me..." I shook my head, I didn't know why it wouldn't come out, well, actually what to even say, "If you loved me, Ryan or well, love me, then could you please accept my apology? And, we can just take this one step at a time?" He probably thought I would have brought up the kisses. Well, right now, those were a whole different story.

I looked at Brendon and reached up to rub at my eyes as I sighed. "Would you accept mine?" I furrowed my eyebrows a little and leaned forward toward him a little. "I know they aren't the same thing. And you're probably far beyond pissed and everything because of what I did, and you would have the right...but...I dunno Bren. I'm obviously not without fault...but I don't know...I can't exactly...fuuck!"

I shook my head and sighed, getting up and pacing a little. "I don't know what to apologize for Bren. I don't even know what to fucking say I'm so fucked up right now!" I stopped after a moment and stood still, trying to calm myself and organize my thoughts. "I don't know if I can really apologize for what happened with Pete and Frank. I don't know if I should. I mean...okay, so it wasn't right to kiss Frankie when I was drunk, but are you really responsible for what you do when you're drunk?" I shook my head and sighed, nothing was coming out right.

"Okay, ignore that." I turned around and looked at him. "I'm sorry. Even if i don't remember doing it. Even if I was drunk. I'm sorry. I really don't have anything to show for it. It didn't benefit me to do it at all."

"So that is what it is about? You benefiting over it? What would have been a benefit?" I shrugged, "And I don't see why you don't think you should apologize. Fuck Ryan, what I did, it was me being an idiot, me not thinking things through, me not knowing what the hell I was doing. Me, being stupid and naive and not knowing what the hell you wanted...not just kissing some random people while I had a boyfriend, who I loved...."

Once I said it out loud, I wanted to slap myself. Aside from a few minor details, it was about the same thing. Really, it was. And I may have even fucked things up even more. I shook and stood up next to him, "Ok, so," I licked my lips, "You are sorry? For kissing Frank right? And I accept that apology, I know how you are when you are drunk, and as horrible and off as it may sound, I would have actually rather you had kissed Alex," yea, I SO didn't mean that...

"But, what about Pete?" I asked, looking him square in the eye, "You were in the studio right? Were you drunk then? And willing to jeopardize your internship being intoxicated and you two just happened to kiss? I've read shit about Pete being a forward guy, but he doesn't seem like the type of person that would just kiss a guy out of the blue, something had to trigger it."

I looked down and then closed my eyes. I reached up and rubbed at my head a little before scratching the back of my head. "I don't know what to say about the kiss with Pete. No, I wasn't drunk in the studio. No, he wasn't either. I don't know what triggered it, not really. He knew what was going on." I chewed on my lip a little before looking up at him. "He saw how miserable I was when he showed up at the studio. He was the first one there besides me. He asked me what was wrong and I told him. I told him all of it."

I shrugged a little. "Then he helped me finish setting up before everyone else showed up. We worked through the recording and everything and it was around dinner, Alex had already left because the guys told him he could go, but they wanted to keep me later to help out with something. Patrick, Andy and Joe headed off to do a few things before dinner and they told me they expected me to join them. Pete stayed behind to help me close down the studio for the night."

I reached up and rubbed my eyes, I felt utterly exhausted. "I don't know what happened really. I mean...we were just closing up, putting things away, resetting some equipment. We were working side by side, I was feeling better, we were joking around. He and I got kinda close while we worked together, so we were joking around a lot, the others were too." I shrugged a little. "He just...kinda...kissed me."

I gulped as chills ran down my spine. It hurt. It really hurt. I knew that Ryan was an attractive man. And I knew that he was fun and easy to talk to. And I knew that he was an amazing kisser. And I knew that he had an irresistible smile. And perfect hair. And eyes you could get lost in. And I knew that he was a perfect catch, with perfect skin and a sexy voice. But, I also knew that he was mine. And I knew that he loved me.

So, I could see where Pete was coming from, but still...

Pete KNEW that Ryan was upset. And he KNEW that he was hurt. And he KNEW that he was easy to take advantage of at the moment. And he KNEW that Ryan needed someone. But, he also KNEW that he had a boyfriend.

And if I didn't like Pete before, I fucking HATED him now. Fuck him and his connections. And fuck him with the help of my band, and fuck him for taking advantage of my boyfriend.

I shook my head as you could probably see steam coming out of my ears, "Fuck Pete Wentz," I mumbled.

"No, Bren. He wasn't right. He knows that, he knows that he wasn't. I pulled away and asked him what he was doing." I furrowed my eyebrows and reached out to touch Brendon's arm. "I know that he shouldn't have kissed me. He knows he shouldn't have kissed me. He apologized Bren. He didn't..." I sighed and thought for a moment. I took a step forward and whispered, "This is as far as he got..." Leaning forward I took the chance. I tilted his head up and pressed my lips to his, keeping it a closed mouthed, innocent kiss that lasted only the merest moment before I pulled away again.

I looked into Brendon's eyes and whispered. "Thats all it was...it was less than I've done with Alex. It was less than a real kiss." I bit my lip and pulled back, letting my hand drop from his cheek and waiting to see how he'd react. It was the truth though, when I realized what Pete was doing, I pulled away and stopped him. He apologized profusely. Things got a little awkward for a while and then, when we went for dinner as a whole group and things settled down. By the time we left to return to Vegas, everything was normal again.

"Bren...don't hate him, please. He apologized, really...I know it wasn't right, he knew it wasn't right. But please, don't hate him...not for fucking up too."

I just shook my head and turned away. How could he forgive him so easily, but not me? I apologized over and over, but I was still in this damn situation. I knew the situations were different, but still. It sucked. It really did. Every part of it flat out sucked.

"Ok," I turned my only my head to look at him, "If you want me to not hate him, I will. For you Ryan, and only you. I still don't like that he took advantage of you, knowing you had a boyfriend and you were upset, but for you, I will not hate him. But don't think that if I were every to meet him that I wouldn't want to punch him in the goddamn face whether we were fighting or not..."

I stared out at the pool and bit my lip, "So where does that leave us?" I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him, "I apologized, you apologized...now what?" I asked. I wasn't lying when I said I would do anything to make it right. And that I would do. Absolutely anything at this point. I wanted him back in my life...fight-free.

"I don't know Bren." I furrowed my eyebrows again and looked up at the sky for a few moments before looking back at him. "I guess...I guess that's just up to us...I don't exactly know how, but it is. I mean...I dunno, how do you get through fights and go back to how things were? Or do we even go back to how things were?"

Running my hands through my hair I turned and looked at him again. "I mean...this shouldn't have been such a big fight. It got out of hand. But is it something we could just get past easily? Or...or is this gonna...I dunno...fuck us up and...and cause lots of awkwardness? I mean...I don't know what to even do right now Bren. I wish I did but I don't know what to do to even take a step one way or another. I'm confused. I've never felt like this in a relationship before Bren. I've never been in this type of relationship."

I sighed and shook my head before kneeling down by the side of the pool and running my fingers along the surface of the water. "I just...is everything we've just gone through something we can get beyond without problems Bren? Because...I dunno, I just get the feeling that no matter what we say, it's not going to just disappear. You're not going to want to be that close to me, touch me, kiss me, or anything...I just..." I looked over my shoulder at him and whispered. "I'm scared, Bren."

I walked over to him and grabbed his arm, pulling him up to me, "No, that is just it. I want nothing more than to kiss you and touch you and hold you and make all of this past week just disappear in thin air," I looked at him, "Ok," shaking my head, "Not disappear, but evaporate or something, it has all been there and rushed through kind of like a storm that has travelled through and landed and flooded and now settled. And with the settling it, it has, like, absorbed, I mean, we have both learned from it. And now that we have learned and said all we can, it has no where else to go but to just vanish in the air...and that is how I want it to be."

"I learned a lesson, and I learned it the hard way, and we both did, so all we can do now is learn from it and reflect on it, and think back to the hard times and want to make it better...if not prepare for the next time. I know from here on out I will answer your questions promptly and honestly, and hopefully for you, you won't chose alcohol as a vice, or you will call me or Alex to calm you down...cause that is what your best friend and boyfriend are here for..."

I sighed once I let it out, then I looked at him, "Does that make any sense? Cause I think I even lost myself in there somewhere..."

I smiled softly and shrugged a little. "I think you lost me somewhere in there too with the storms and the vanishing and flooding...but I can't promise I won't drink again Bren. I can't promise that and I don't think I will. I like to drink, okay, not always getting drunk like I guess I was last night, but, I like to drink. But I'll try to call you or Lex before getting drunk when I'm upset."

Leaning in closer to Bren I murmured. "Can we just...like...go inside and go up to my room and just curl up together for a while?" I'd been outside in the sun most of the day and I knew I was going to be a bit crispy if I wasn't careful. Besides, Alex had been giving us a lot of time for someone who said he was going to get me something to eat. Speaking of eating, I thought I needed to eat pretty much immediately. I was starting to feel more and more out of it.

"I need to go inside Bren. I don't feel so good. I..." I shrugged a little and looked sheepish. "I haven't eaten since Wednesday. I think I need to get food into me before I pass out." I gave him another sheepish smile. "Besides, my tummy is rumbling. And then I want to curl up...although...I did ask Alex to come home...but maybe we could all watch a movie or something?"

"Oh, god Babe," I gave him a worried look, reaching around his waist to pull him into me so he could put his weight on mine, "And here I was eating everything in house and home, I made a cake Wednesday night while I was thinking, and ate the whole thing with ice cream before Thursday afternoon even..." I laughed, "And yes, I would like that, just me and you and Alex and a movie, but I can't stay long," I walked us towards the door, "Actually I think I am supposed to be helping my mom, but she knows this is way more important than some stupid party."

We made it to the door and I turned to him before reaching for the handle, "But, before we go in, whether this fucks up the situation or not, I have to do it..." I grabbed his neck and slid my fingers up to rest at the back of his jaw, pulling his face down slightly to meet mine, then kissed him feverously just keeping mouth to his until he pulled back or I was out of loss for air.

I whimpered softly against Brendon's lips and pressed in against him, clinging onto him as I kissed him back with just as much fervor and heat as he was kissing me. It wouldn't fuck it up, I couldn't see how it could. I wanted to kiss him for a very very long time and just forget the fight and things that had happened, but we both needed to breathe.

After kissing Brendon for as long as I could, I pulled back and rested against him, sliding my arms around his neck a little more. "Stay for a while though? Then come back tonight?" I bit my lip a little as I looked into his eyes. "Stay until I fall asleep at least? We can watch a movie and I can sleep, then maybe you can be there when I wake up?"

The door opened and Alex stood there looking at us. "So, you guys are coming in? Ry, you don't look so good. C'mon, you need to eat."

I nodded but gave Alex the 'one minute' signal to give Bren the chance to answer.

I smiled at Ryan, "Anything for you," I grinned, pecking him on the lips, "But only if you do get something to eat before we head upstairs, cause Alex is right, you don't look so good, and I think we need to get some lotion on you too before you burn, cause you are already getting pink, and I wouldn't want you too be sore and achy when you wake up in my arms tomorrow," I placed a kiss on his cheek, then lightly on his shoulder as I pulled him inside.

The air felt amazing, as we stepped in, and I looked down, noticing that I wasn't wearing any shoes, "Oh, um, yeah, do you care if I call my mom real quick and tell her where I am? Considering I left without shoes and all," I blushed before laughing. Ryan nodded, so I walked over to the phone in the kitchen, picking up the receiver and walking back out the porch, not that I really needed privacy, but I didn't want to be rude and talking over their conversation.

Talking quickly to my mom, she said the tents were arriving in an hour and a half, so I had to be there to help set up the chairs and tables and stuff. I hated that part from my sister's party. You know, it really wasn't even a party for us, but just a gathering for my parents and we were the excuse, but hey, as long as they brought gifts...


part 2