Entry tags:

this is bullshit

Title: This is Bullshit (27/?)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The after effects.
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write.  howido_fics is Brendon, youbrat is Ryan.  Ryan's pov is in blue and Bren's is normal black.  

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*edit* Author's note: sorry if there are errors. I thought I proofread it, and I posted it before I could reread, I figured something is better than none. I will reread it and edit sometime soon.

I don't think I slept at all. Actually, ok, maybe just a few minutes, but not enough to count for anything. I knew I would regret it tomorrow, well, today, but I couldn't help it. There were so many things swimming through my brain. I knew it was wrong to fake falling asleep before, but I didn't know what to do. It's not like I felt pressured into having sex with him. Hell it was my plan. My idea. I think it was more the idea of him telling me he loved me.

I had to talk to someone, and I wasn't sure if he was the best candidate at the moment, so I decided to grab my phone and head outside to make a phone call. Sliding from under his arms, I turned and kissed him on the forehead. Once I got my cell, I quietly grabbed a sheet from the end of Ryan's bed, covered my naked body, and snuck out his balcony door.

Taking a deep breath and leaning against the railing, I dialed the only person I felt would know some answers in the situation I was in.

"Yeah, hey sorry to wake you, it's Brendon," ... "No, I'm in LA, remember," ... "No, I just needed someone to talk to," ... "Yeah with my boyfriend," ... "Yea," ... "I dunno, I don't know how I could have fucked things up so bad," ... "No, I did. And I don't know how to fix it and if I can. I ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me," ... "No, you didn't see the way he looked at me. Like I was the biggest disappointment to walk the face of the Earth," ... "And I don't know what to do, I am so scared," ... "Not till Sunday," ... "Yea, tomorrow," ... "You would? You'd come and get me?"

When Brendon crawled out of the bed, I repositioned myself while I was still asleep. I snuggled into the warmth he had left and cuddled in against the pillow a little more. I'd slept alone a few times since getting to LA, so it was like falling back into normal, only at the same time, not. The pillow smelled like Brendon, so somewhere in my subconscious I believed he was still there.

After a little while I slowly woke up, frowning to find myself alone. I rubbed my eyes and sat up, yawning a little and sighing as I looked at the bed and remembered the night before. I brushed my hair back and slid out of the bed, tugging on the pair of pajama pants that were at the foot of my bed and walking out of my room. The candles were still everywhere, the ones in my bedroom had burned themselves out, luckily without burning the place down. The ones in the living room were just there, blown out from the night before.

Bren wasn't anywhere in the apartment. It worried me that I didn't know where he was, but at that moment, the door opened and Alex walked in. He stopped when he saw me before looking around at the apartment, taking note of all the closed curtains on the walls of windows, the candles still strewn around but blown out. He looked back at me as he closed the door. "So, how's the happy couple?"

I shook my head and looked away, tears pricking my eyes as I collapsed onto the couch and pulled my legs up, burying my face into them. "He's gone Lex. I woke up and he was gone..."

He walked over to me and sat down next to me, pulling me in against him. "What happened last night?"

I started to cry a little more. "It...it was...it just..." I shook my head and bit my lip before looking up at him with a tear streaked face. "Fast...unfulfilling...he wouldn't look at me after...and then I wake up and he's gone..."

I sighed into the phone and walked over to the sliding glass door, squatting down to sit cross-legged against it, "I dunno Matt. I don't know if leaving with fix anything." I let my head fall back on the glass. Here I was cold and alone, sitting on a balcony watching the sun come up by myself. I should have been in the bed with Ryan. But no, I'm fucking worthless.

"Everything?" ... "I dunno Matt..." ... "I know," ... "OK, well, we were, I was," ... "I know, I am trying," ... "Ok, from the beginning. I got on a plane," ... "Ok" ... "I will calm down. Sorry," ... "I know, sorry," ... "Ok..." I sighed, "We went to a concert and Starbucks and back to Ry's place. I had his best friend and roommate," ... "Yea, him," ... "I know..." ... "OK, and I had him set up all these candles and stuff, cause well I planned on having sex with him," ... "No, my first," ... "No, ever..." ... "Is that bad?" ... "Are you sure?" ... "I dunno, it may have helped to have not planned it but just let it happen..." ... "Ok, well, things were heating up and I told him my intentions and he wasn't too happy over it, I mean, yeah, initially happy, but I could tell he didn't think I was ready, and I was thinking now or never," ... "Yea, so I carried him onto his bed and I was doing, you know my thing," ... "No, not that yet," ... "Matt, I couldn't even say sex or lube without blushing," ... "I know, and he knew that too," ... "OK, well, then, he tells me he loves me," ... "Yes, before we have sex," ... "I know. And I froze and freaked out," ... "No, it gets worse, cause I got over it," ... "Yea, and well, we started to have sex, and well," I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could say it and relive it all over again... "I came too early. Like three thrusts and I was done," ... "No, I topped," ... "No, but Matt, I didn't even get him off," ... "NO, I WAS A COMPLETELY FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT AND NOW HE GODDAMN HATES ME"

I couldn't take it anymore. I threw the phone at the glass and watched it fall into separate pieces. It was then that I let myself break down again. God I fucked up.

Alex held me close as I curled up against him, just crying a little because I felt rather empty. The whole thing just left me feeling empty and lost, even worse than ever before. Alex kissed my head softly before tilting my head up so he could look into my eyes. He wiped away the tears and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. He brushed my hair behind my ear and sighed softly. "Ry, you know it was his first time. I'm sure you remember your first time. I can't imagine you were all that much better. I know I wasn't Ry. But, we both know it gets better. As far as him not looking at you, he was probably embarrassed and probably thought you were disappointed, which, obviously, you were, and he didn't want to see that."

I nodded a little and leaned in against him. He could always make me feel better, or at least commiserate over how I was feeling.

Playing softly with my hair, he continued. "He may have just gone for a walk, to clear his head or something. I'm sure he'll be back soon. Go curl up in my bed. I'll clean up all the candles and be there in a minute, okay?"

I nodded a little, feeling utterly devastated and definitely not at all wanting to have to be the one to clean up the reminders of the night before, especially with Brendon having just left me. I got up and walked into Alex's room, curling up in his bed and pulling the blankets over me as Alex cleaned up the candles in my room. He heard the sound of something being through against the glass and opened the curtain to find Brendon on the balcony. He frowned and grabbed a blanket before going out and kneeling in front of him, "Brendon?" He wrapped the blanket around Brendon's shoulder's.

I looked up at Alex and lost it again, "I fucked up. I am so sorry. I should just leave. Goddammit Alex I am so sorry. This whole thing. It was a mistake. I never should have came here. Not in you guy's territory. I should have just waited. I should have just...fucking waited, I fucked up so fucking bad..." I just kept repeating my apologies and stating how bad I had fucked up over and over again.

Tucking my knees to my chin, I shivered and began to rock, letting my tears fall freely, soaking through my sheet and causing me to become even more cold. My stomach hurt and lurched. I felt like I was going to vomit as I wiped the snot dripping from my nose.

Looking up at him again, I trembled but managed to blurt out, "I should go, I need to go, I'm just a mistake. This whole thing was a mistake. I need to go.." I managed to stand up and squeeze past him to get back inside and start picking up my clothes from last night and stuffing them in my bag, not even caring that I stood there naked in front of him breaking down.

Alex followed Brendon inside, putting the blanket and sheet down before going and closing the bedroom door. He turned back to Brendon and walked over to him, grabbing the blanket again and wrapping it around him before taking the things from his hands and putting them on the bed. "Stop it Brendon. If you leave now...I don't know, very possibly you and Ryan will be over. Don't run away from him Bren. Don't run away from last night."

He steered Brendon to the bed and sat him down. "First, you need to get warm. Then, you need to talk to him. He woke up alone and thought you left him. He didn't realize you were on the balcony or he probably would have gone out there to be with you. He's upset right now Bren, probably as much as you are. And don't say that you shouldn't be here, that coming here was a mistake. Seeing you standing in front of him yesterday, he was happier than I've seen him since we got here."

He touched Brendon's cheek and wiped away his tears. "You need to pull yourself out of this Bren. You need to pull out of this and actually talk to me. Not just going off on how you fucked up and how you're sorry and how you need to go. Don't. Don't leave now. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

I shook my head as I clung to the blanket. Staring to the rolled up sock in front of me, I managed to stop crying, "I don't know Alex. I just wanted everything to be perfect."

It hurt so bad. My chest. Worse than when I thought good things about Ryan. Worse than it had ever felt before. Worse than I could ever imagine. Worse than I ever wished on my own enemies.

"I just," my fingers fiddled with the inside of the blanket, "I just never felt so...so...ashamed of in my entire life," I made eye contact with Alex, "I could see it in his eyes. That look he used to give me, it was gone and replaced with this look that I couldn't read or, or I ever wanted to see again..." I licked my lips as I broke eye contact, "I just, I did fuck up. He told me he loved me, and I freaked out and fucked up. I did the last thing I should have done. And it hurts even more than me being a bad lay that I couldn't say it back. I'm the worst boyfriend ever Alex. I was a nightmare last night. And now he hates me. I ruined everything and the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the most amazing person I have ever met. And the only thing that made me completely happy."

"Brendon..." Alex smiled and touched his cheek again until he looked back at him. "He never explained his first time he was on top, or mine, I'm guessing. We all go through it. No matter how much we want our first times to be perfect they never are. The first time you bottom its gonna hurt, and its not going to be perfect. The first time you top, its gonna be fast. Its normal Brendon. Ryan knows this, but..." He sighed and shook his head. "Even knowing it doesn't mean it makes it any less disappointing to be excited about having sex and having it end too fast. It doesn't mean he hates you. It doesn't mean he's mad at you, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you."

Alex shook his head a little and brushed Brendon's hair aside again. "It also doesn't mean that you're bad in bed. It was...over stimulation, your body didn't know how to handle it. It'll get better next time, you'll know what to expect next time. And, you'll be better next time. It isn't the end of the world. It isn't the end of your sex life. And unless you leave here, it isn't the end of you and Ryan."

Getting up, Alex went over and found a pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt and brought them back to Brendon. "Here, you need to get warm. Put these on. Ryan's in my bed. I think you should go talk to him."

I nodded as I sat there and let his words sink in as he said them. Matt had tried to say the same thing, but I was too stubborn to listen. Reaching for the clothes, I set them next to me wanting to take a shower since that was where I could think the most. Knowing that was just avoiding the subject, I watched as Alex was about to slip out the door.

"Wait, Alex," I whispered as he stopped in the doorway. Making eye contact I let out a shaking breath, "Th...thank you..."

Once he left, I slipped on the clothes I was given. Almost breaking down because they smelled of Ryan, I gulped and took the longest and hardest journey I have ever embarked on in my whole entire existence. I gnawed on the inside of my cheek, which was already raw from last night and trailed my hand along the wall to Alex's bedroom. The door was open, so I quietly stepped inside, swallowing as I stared at my boyfriend's form in front of me, "Ry?" I whispered, not even sure if I heard it.

I had been so immersed in my own world I hadn't heard a thing. I didn't even realize Alex was taking as long as he was to clean up the candles. When I heard my name, I thought it was Alex and moved over a little on the bed, not opening my eyes as I did. "Lex? Candles all put away?"

I snuggled into Alex's pillow, it smelled like him, it was relaxing and comforting. When he didn't answer, I opened my eyes and looked over toward the door, seeing Brendon standing there instead of Alex. "Oh...um...you're...not Lex.." I moved to sit up, biting my lip a little as I looked over at him. I pulled the blankets up around me a little more as I looked at him and leaned against the wall. I didn't know what to say.

Looking down at my hands and my legs, I fiddled a little with the blanket before finally looking up and over at him again. "Where'd you go?"

I gulped. Hurt that he thought I was Alex. That he didn't even recognize my voice. But that was besides the point. I needed to make that the least of my worries, and to move on and get this over with. Wow. I just made it sound like a chore like I did last night. I made sex, making love to him, into a chore. That was so wrong.

Chills ran down my spine. I swore it was colder in this room than it was outside. Or maybe that was just my imagination.

"I went," I tried to form words, but it was hard. I hurt everywhere. From the exertion I did last night, to the lack of sleep, to the tears that fell. It was all catching up with me, "I was outside, on the balcony," I looked down, "I needed some air," I played with the drawstring on the pants, twisting it and unraveling it over and over again.

After moments of silence that lasted what felt like a lifetime, I sniffed my nose, "Look, Ryan. About last night. I am so sorry. If I could take it back, I would. I would redo it in a heartbeat. I never expected it to go like that. And I am sorry I wasn't good enough for you."

I looked down at my hands again and closed my eyes. "Bren..." I took a breath and then looked up at him. I shook my head. "C'mere. Please?"

Tilting my head to the side, I bit my lip a little and waited until he'd sat down on the bed. Again, I was utterly without words, and especially without words adequate to stop him feeling the way he was, and to stop myself feeling the way I was. I looked back down at my hands and just thought for a few moments before looking back up at him and just looking at his face.

"You shouldn't have to take it back. Or want to take it back Bren." I closed my eyes and reached up to rub at my face a little, speaking through my hands. "I just..." I shook my head and felt my eyes starting to tear again before I blinked my way through it. I had a hard time meeting his eyes though, I just couldn't because I still couldn't help how I felt.

"I...I know what first times are like...I should have known...or expected..." I shook my head again. "I just...I don't know. Bren...I just...god its just that...its..." I wanted to say disappointing, but I didn't want him to hear that and take it the wrong way. "...sexually frustrating to be having sex and to not get off...." I bit my lip and looked up at him through my lashes. "It just...it just feels...devastating..."

And now it hurt to watch him. To be so confused and frustrated. All because of me.

Part of me wanted to be his boyfriend and reach out and console him, but the other part of me, thought about me. Yes me. What about me? I didn't want to be selfish and ask it, but I knew it would come up eventually. I just didn't know how or when.

"I'm sorry Ryan. I am. I tried to hard or I didn't try enough. And I am sorry. I'm sorry I fucked it up. Ryan, you have to believe me. I didn't plan it. I would have never done that to initially hurt you. I didn't do it on purpose," I was trying to keep my voice calm. I didn't want to yell, cause it wouldn't help anything. Only made things worse.

I looked at him, "And no, I don't know how it feels, cause I have never been there before. I have never had sex before Ryan. I didn't have the slightest clue what I was doing, and I couldn't control my body. It just worked itself. And I didn't mean it to Ryan, I didn't. I know I was a failure, I was just so overwhelmed and...and everything..."

"I know you don't know how it feels, Bren. I know you've never had sex before. And I know you didn't do it on purpose." I looked up at him and frowned a little. "I'm not mad at you Brendon. I'm not mad at you for what happened. I'm just..." I bit my lip and looked down again, sighing softly. "You don't have to apologize Bren. You don't have anything to apologize for. If anyone does, its me. Because I forgot, I didn't take into consideration your first time that it wouldn't be everything I'd dreamed of..."

My fingers twisted the blanket beneath me and I looked at him again. "I wanted...I wanted so badly for it to last and for it to be so good. I didn't think about the fact that first times are never what you want of them. I'm sorry...I'm sorry I was so upset last night. I'm sorry...I just..."

I looked away and squeezed my eyes closed before continuing. "I wanted so badly to be...to be..." I bit my lip, it was hard for me to have to tell him what I wanted and felt because I didn't' want him to be inadequate. "I wanted to be fucked so bad Bren...its...its been so long...its..." I looked back at him. "Its been since Alex...and...I've been craving it so badly...I just...I wanted it to be more than it was because I wanted it so bad...I should have known, I mean, I knew it was your first time, but...I should have remembered...but in the middle of it all...I didn't."

Ok, enough about me.

I was over. I was off,

It was Ryan's turn.

Reaching over, I ran my thumb across his face to wipe away the left over tears, placing my palm on his cheek, I tangled my fingers into his hair to get him to look at me, "It's ok Ryan," I sighed, "It's ok. I...I...I understand now, but what can I do? What can I do to make this better? To make you better? Ryan, tell me. Whether it is for right now at this moment or the next time we do it again. Ryan, tell me what you want. Tell me what will make you less confused. Tell me what will wash this feeling away. I will do anything for you. Anything to help you and make you happy and make this ok again, I just have to know, Ryan, I need to know..."

I took his hand in mine and placed them on my lap, just looking at him and watching him. It was true. I would do anything in the whole world for him. All he had to do was ask. I just wish he could be honest with me and let me know. As much as I care about him, I can't read his mind.

Shrugging a little, I shook my head and looked at our hands in his lap. "I don't know Bren. I don't...I really just don't know. I just...I'm sorry that I want to be fucked so bad..." I frowned and sighed softly, looking up at him after and shrugging a little. "I guess it’s just something I can't really help though. It’s been so long and I just...I ache for it..." I looked at him, hoping he wouldn't take all of it the wrong way.

"Bren, I meant it when I told you last night that I love you. I do. And...last night didn't change that. A relationship isn't just about sex. Sex can be a big part of it, but it doesn't have to be a huge part of it, and it shouldn't be the basis of an entire relationship. And a first time definitely shouldn't be what makes or breaks a relationship. A first time definitely shouldn't be the basis for love either." Biting my lip I gave him a weak smile. "I don't want to take it back, if that’s what you're wondering. I don't want to."

I tugged on his hand a little, trying to pull him closer and moving him until he was laid down on the bed so I could curl up against his side and be held by him. That was what I wanted right then, just being held and letting it go away and just be us again.

Once I laid down next to him, I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the first bit of skin I came in contact with, "I know Ryan, I know that you ache for it. And Ry, I am so lucky that you didn't ever pressure me into it before now," I moved to peck him on the corner of the mouth, "And I am so lucky and fortunate for you to not turn me away last night, even though, you were looking and anticipating to really be fucked. And I honestly apologize for letting you down last night, whether is was my first or not, please believe me when I say that you deserve the best and the most."

Running my hand along his neck, "And I know that a relationship does not have to be 100% about sex. I just, last night when you said you loved me, I'll be honest, I freaked out. I mean, it was one thing that I was planning on sleeping with you, which, up until that point, I had planned on waiting to do it with someone I loved, and I am not saying that I don't love you or anything," I buried my face into his neck until I found the right words, "I just, it was," I gulped, "I can't even explain it...I mean, for someone to say that too me," I looked him in the eye, "It was the best thing anyone had ever said to me. And I felt bad for not having the words to say or repeating them back to you. And, I just, I just freaked, and pushed it out of my mind, and went straight to the first task at hand. I knew I should have stopped, and Ry, I don't regret it either, last night, what happened. I just wish it would have gone differently, but there is nothing we can do now to change that."

I placed my lips over his waiting for him to accept them. Applying pressure to his, I pulled back, "The only thing that can help it is practice and us talking like this and letting it out. Last night should not have ended like that. And I blame myself for it going the way it did. I just hope that you will forgive me and we can move past this..."

I nodded a little and just let my body curl and mold against his. As much as I loved Alex having a big bed, we really weren't using very much of it at all. I was more concerned about being close to Brendon and being held by him than using up the bed. Shivering a little, I reached down and pulled the blanket up and over my shoulders since my upper body was naked.

"There isn't anything to forgive Bren. Being...being fast the first time isn't something that needs forgiveness. It just is how it goes. It happened to all of us I'm sure. So really, Bren, don't worry, and I don't have to forgive it, its just...just a fact of life..." I pressed in a little closer against him and whispered softly. "Should I have not told you last night that I love you? Should I have waited until today? Or tomorrow? Or next weekend? Or the end of the summer? Would that have made it easier on you last night Bren?"

I closed my eyes and nestled my face down and into his chest. He was wearing my clothes, I hadn't noticed that before, but I liked that. I liked that he was still there. I liked that he was in my clothes. I liked that he was holding me. I bit my lip gently and just snuggled closer to him. He felt perfect against me. I slid my hand down along his side and slipped my fingers up under the edge of the sweatshirt he was wearing, pressing my fingers gently against his skin as I nestled even closer against him.

I sighed as I held him. And he held me. Nuzzling my nose into his hair, I smiled for the first time since the huge fiasco last night, Running my hand along his back reassuringly, I breathed in his scent again, which this time was mixed with Alex, sending a jolt of anger and jealousy throughout my body until I allowed myself to relax, realizing that we were in his bed.

"Ry," I muttered into his hair, "I'm not trying to use that as an excuse for last night. I was just shocked is all, and I would have been shocked no matter when you told me, I'm sure, cause that is a big thing to say. I mean, I've never said it before, so I dunno, I guess I thought there was a time limit or something on it, but now I know it isn't true," sighing, I could fell myself digging a deeper hole, "I'm sorry, I'll be quiet now..."

Continuing to rub up and down his spine, I yawned, pulling him closer to me. The sun was now up outside, and I was finally calm enough to sleep. So much for an exciting day OUT in the city, "But, Ry, can we sleep? I didn't at all last night, and I want and need some energy for the party tonight, cause I wanna see you dance.." I smiled at myself as I kissed the top of his head.

Looking up at Brendon I smiled softly at him and murmured quietly. "You apologize a lot Bren. You should stop a little. And no, there is no time limit on telling someone you love them. You just tell them you love them when you feel it is right to tell them. It's confusing, but it just depends on how you feel and the love and trust you feel for the other person. I'm sorry I threw you a little by telling you. I just...I've had so much fun with you and enjoyed being with you so much Bren. It felt right."

I slid my hand further up under Brendon's sweatshirt, just lightly running my fingers on his skin and touching him softly before nodding. "Sure. Sleep Bren. I got some sleep last night, and I think Alex may wanna get in here eventually. But...you sleep, I'll either fall asleep or I'll be comfortable just staying here with you. And I'll keep an eye on Lex when he comes in to change and all."

I smiled and leaned up to kiss him softly before slipping back down to snuggle in closer to him. I was definitely not giving that up anytime soon. I loved feeling him there. I just hoped that everything would work out okay for the rest of the weekend. I didn't want anymore sad drama between the two of us. "I dunno if I'll dance at the party. But we can at least have fun. Paul always puts on good parties."

Smiling at him, I took a deep breath before yawning again, "I'm sorry, I'll stop apologizing so much," I stopped and giggled a little, watching his body bounce up and down on stomach, only making me laugh harder. Then my stomach growled, and I laughed even more so. I was a fucking wreck.

"Mmm," I nuzzled in his hair, "Sleep sound good, but food sounds even better..." I smiled, fingers gliding down his back again as I enjoyed his warmth and smooth skin, "What about breakfast and a movie or something, or would we be in the way of an eventful day for Alex?" Alex, oh yeah, I had to thank that man, oh, and I needed to go get my phone. AND call Matt back to let him know I was ok...Shit, I forgot all about that?

Letting my hand trail up and down again, I began to rub my leg against his, toying with the pajama pants. Damn him for always feeling so good. I knew how nice it would be to sit here all day, but I was here and he was here and I wanted to kiss him, so that's exactly what I did. Taking his chin, I tilted his head up as I leaned down, pressing my lips to his before using my arms to pull him up against my body and aligned with my face. Once he was positioned comfortably, I ran my tongue along his then slipped it in his willing and wet mouth, just playing with his own.

Kissing Brendon back, I just let myself press against him and let my body fall against his perfectly. He felt good, he felt even better kissing me, and I kissed him even deeper. I pulled back after a few moments and looked down at him a little. "We can do breakfast and a movie if you want. And no, we wouldn't be in the way for Alex. He'll either join us or move around us, or, his other choice would be leaving the apartment and leaving us alone. Which would be likely too. He'd probably end up going down to hit on Jacob. Although I'm pretty sure he's gonna want to spend time with you too."

I pressed another kiss against his lips before sighing softly and whispering. "You should get sleep too though. If you didn't sleep last night, you should get some today. And its still early. You can sleep for a few hours if you want and me and Alex can make you breakfast. You need sleep Bren. I slept...maybe I shouldn't have, but I did sleep last night..." I bit my lip and slid my fingers into his hair, playing gently with the locks that slid over my skin.

"You deserve to get some sleep Bren. So why don't you, and then we can eat and watch movies and all all afternoon until the party if you want. Or unless you wanna go out. Its up to you. But I do want you to sleep." I smiled softly and leaned down and kissed him again softly.

I yawned again, nodding instead of replying. I really was sleepy and wanted to make a comment about him feeling, what? guilty? for falling asleep, but I didn't have the energy. Kissing and laughing and fighting and talking made me sleepy. Oh yeah, and so did work and concerts and flights and walking and eating, so I guess I did have a lot of catching up to do.

I wrapped my arms around him again, rubbing my nose with his before closing my eyes to stifle another yawn. Letting my body relax, I turned my head to the side slightly to pull him into a hug, linking my arms behind his back.

"Ok," was all I could say. Ok to all of his questions I supposed, I had the slightest clue. Really, I did... Yawning against, I opened my eyes to look in his, giving him a short smile, "But, Babe, will you stay till I fall asleep?" I asked before closing my eyes again and turning my bottom half slightly, needed to get comfortable, which usually only happened when I was on my side. I just hoped I was able to stay awake for him to answer.

I nodded a little and leaned down to kiss him softly before sliding down to rest next to him so I wasn't on top of him. "I'll stay till you fall asleep Bren, don't worry." I reached up and ran my fingers gently against his cheek before snuggling in against him. I rubbed my hand along his side, hoping to help lull him off to sleep. He really did look tired and he definitely deserved sleep since I slept most of the night until I woke up alone. I kissed his cheek softly before laying down again and just reaching up to play softly with his hair as I watched him slip into sleep.

Watching him, he fell asleep, and I stayed with him for a little while. I placed a kiss to his cheek again before slipping out of the bed. I grabbed one of Alex's sweatshirts off of the floor and pulled it on, grabbing a pair of his socks to tug on as well before I wandered out of his bedroom, closing the door so any noise wouldn't wake him up. Wandering out into the living room, I saw Alex sitting on the couch, watching cartoons. He smiled at me and held out a box of cereal. "Want breakfast?"

I chuckled softly and shook my head. "No, Bren's getting some sleep, and when he wakes up, we're gonna do breakfast together. You can join us. We could make...pancakes or something in a little while, once he's been asleep for a little." I made my way into the kitchen to get a drink, pouring myself a glass of juice before going to join him on the couch. He wrapped his arm around me and I snuggled in against him a little. "Thank you, for whatever you did, thank you."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxo

We spent the afternoon being lazy. Luckily they let me sleep in till about one or two, I wasn't sure how late. I needed it though. Then we ended up watching movies, and I fell asleep again on the couch. Waking up with a yawn again, I smiled as my eyes met Ryan, groaning a little while I stretched. Giving him a small smile, "I didn’t plan on sleeping the entire time I was here..."

Standing up, I allowed my body to crack and grow as I looked at the clock, sniffing my nose. It was almost six. I wasn't sure when the party started, but I knew I had to bathe and get ready, which could take hours. I had to look good! For Ryan, of course... Walking out to the kitchen, I helped myself to a bottle of water, opening it and chugging a huge gulp down, I smiled, "What's the plans for tonight?" I asked as I stepped over Ryan and sat back down next to him, snuggling against him since I wasn't quite awake yet.

I knew last night we talked about Paul's, but I was hoping to go OUT and have some fun and then back to Paul's for another after party. Hell, I was fine with dinner and a movie, whether it was just me and Ry or the whole gang, but I wanted to know his plans first. Oh, but checking out the LA at night would be fun. And a map of the stars houses! Damn, I am turning into my mother...

I shrugged a little and looked over at Brendon before resting my head down and against his shoulder. "I dunno. You and Alex were the ones who planned this whole weekend. I just figured, when I didn't know it was you coming, that I'd be here relaxing while Alex...um...entertained his friend. And that I'd go only where I was invited to go and if Alex was entertaining and I was left out I would go hang out with Paul and Jason, or maybe Jacob. I thought you guys had everything planned out already?"

I frowned a little and looked over at Alex who was napping over by the fireplace. He'd told me while Brendon was asleep that he'd crashed at Paul and Jason's so that Brendon and I could be alone, and they had been up most of the night drinking. He even said he got to watch Jason and Paul snuggled and that they even kissed once. They were drunk, but Alex had fully established, at least in his head, that they were 100% in love with each other and that they should just fuck already, and he kinda wanted to watch. I had to admit, Paul and Jason were some of the hottest guys, so seeing them fuck would be pretty hot.

Looking back at Brendon I shrugged a little. "Paul's party probably won't start till like ten or eleven because they'll either go out for dinner or make dinner in and then its a matter of when everyone straggles in from whatever they're doing. We don't always do everything together. From what Alex said, they all pretty much got destroyed last night after we left. Some more than others. Paul and Jason even kissed if Alex's memory is correct."

Smiling at his comment of the guys, I laughed, "You know, I had an inklining of those two. Is that were Alex stayed last night? How early did he come back? I asked, glancing over at him sleeping. He looked so peaceful. Poor Ryan was sitting here bored out of his mind when his two guys were asleep. I guessed now I had to entertain him...

Setting my water down, I moved to straddle him and smiled before fisting the back of his hair and pulling his lips to him. I moaned into the kiss as I ground my bum into his lap forcing my tongue inside, "But, the real question is, did they kiss like that?" I giggled as I pecked his lips, "Honestly, I would be happy with pizza and more chilling out and mellow time with you...making out would be fun. Or maybe our own little pre-party dancing once Alex gets up so we don't wake him?"

I sat back on his legs before leaning in and kissing him yet again, only this time I ran my hands up and down his arms, then pulling one to his neck as I titled my head for better access, "Fuck I love kissing you..." I mumbled a brief moment then continued to attack his mouth with my own. This was something that I enjoyed WAY to much. Not that it was a bad thing, I just still found it a little awkward. Yet, I found being human and walking and talking and blowing bubbles awkward too, so I wasn't saying much.

I giggled a little as I kissed Brendon back before pulling back. "You know, I can't answer you and talk to you with your mouth on mine. It makes it rather difficult." I winked up at him and slid my hands slowly up and down his thighs as I rested my head on the back of the couch and looked up at him. "Alex came in early...I didn't even look at the time when he came in. He came in just as I left my room this morning. I think it was before sunrise, or at sunrise, or something like that. But yeah, he stayed at Paul and Jason's last night. He wanted to give us some alone time."

Reaching up, I touched his cheek softly. "I doubt they kissed like you kiss me Bren. Even if they were drunk. I'm betting they just pecked or something. We can get Alex to explain it later if you want. Or maybe we can get them drunk and they can show us themselves." I grinned and leaned up to kiss him softly "We can do anything you want to do Bren. We can stay here and order in, we can make dinner, we can go out...and of course making out is always fun...just don't be surprised if Lex pulls out his camera and takes pictures of us getting all hot and sweaty on the couch."

"And by the way, kissing me, not a bad thing." I grinned and glanced over at Alex. He'd kept me company while Brendon slept, we got all snugly on the couch and watched cartoons like when we were kids and then he gave me a little massage because he said I was tense, which was understandable. Just before Brendon woke up, he went to read a book and promptly fell asleep himself, I let him sleep and focused on Brendon instead. I knew I'd have to wake him up though so he wouldn't sleep too late and then have all of his internal clock thrown off.

Following Ryan's eyes to Alex, I sighed, "He really is a great guy. I can see why you love him so much. If it wasn't for him, I prolly wouldn't even be here right now," I blushed, "Cause, I, um, threw quite the hissy fit earlier," smiling at his sleeping form, "But he knocked some sense into me, and I am thankful he did, cause I have no clue what I would do without you, especially if I fucked all of this up..."

Leaning into him on the back of the couch, I kissed him as my stomach growled for the millionth time today. What I was a growing boy! "Mmm," I grumbled, "I don't know if I can wait for pizza to be delivered, and I sure as hell know I can't wait for you to primp and get ready to go out," I winked, "So how about we find something here to cook?"

I stood up, pulling him with me and wrapping my arms around him as soon as we both had two feet on the floor. Walking into the kitchen, I was about to open the cabinets, but settled with turning Ryan around and leaning him against the counter and bringing his lips to mine while setting my hands on his hips. I ground myself into him lightly before pulling away, and remembering that I was starving, "What have we got to eat?"

Chuckling softly, I slipped my arms around Brendon's neck. "If it weren't for Alex, you'd never have met me because if it weren't for him, chances are I wouldn't be alive." My fingers played in the hair at the nape of his neck. "I'm glad you understand why I love him so much, because he's going to be a part of my life until the day I die. It's just kinda sad that whomever I'm with is gonna have to pretty much accept me and him as a package deal. You date me, you kinda date him. Not in the same way, but you get the idea. You accepting him like this...it makes me happy...because if some guy I was dating was to give me an ultimatum of Alex or him, chances are I'd say Alex in a heartbeat. You understanding that Bren...you don't understand how much that means to me."

I ran my finger down along his neck, my eyes trailing it, before continuing. "He's an amazing guy. An arrogant bastard, but I wouldn't have him any other way. He's Alex. But, I'm glad you're still here. And I'm thankful for whatever he did that knocked some sense into you. I'd have been devastated if he hadn't helped and you were gone."

"But...important matters.. Food. I dunno what we actually have here. Alex did most of the shopping last, and he never actually thinks of 'food to eat for a meal' he thinks 'hmm, I am in the mood for this when I wanna eat sometimes' and buys that. So meal wise, not so sure. But pizza doesn't take long. Or Chinese. There's a Chinese restaurant that'd deliver in like, fifteen minutes, they're majorly fast."

Wow. That hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason. I didn't have the slightest clue why. I mean, yeah, I knew the two of them were close, and I knew that they have a special bond that would never break, but for him to always pick Alex over someone he might love. That scared me. I knew Ryan told me he loved me, and I believed him. I thought. Seriously though, that was some deep shit. So, if I were to say, sorry I don't want Alex to be your roommate anymore or something I would be out?

Maybe I am reading into this a little too much, but damn. It makes me wonder why they aren't dating then. I knew we had already went through this, but still...

I gulped as I smiled at Ryan, trying to shake any bad thoughts out of my mind, "Yeah, I guess if the Chinese can get here super quick, or else I'm gonna have to eat your arm or something," I laughed, completely avoiding the Alex conversation, and hoping that Ryan will let it drop for now.

Wait. What if I had left today? I wondered if Ryan would have slept with Alex to be completely satisfied with sex. Great, now I REALLY needed to shake these thoughts out of my head, and maybe I needed a drink. But, alcohol really doesn't solve anything. I knew this. Sighing again, I smiled at Ryan, "Wow, sorry, I spaced out there for a while," rubbing my belly, "It must be the hunger or something..."

Tilting my head, I kissed Brendon softly before murmuring against his lips. "I love you Bren." I pulled back and smiled before opening the drawer beside me and taking out the Chinese menu. "Okay, pick what you want. I already know what I want, and I know what Alex would want, I'll order some for him too and when he wakes up he'll thank us for ordering it for him." I grinned a little and leaned in to kiss him again before sighing softly. "You know...being able to say I love you and not feeling all 'should I or shouldn't I' about it is an awesome feeling. Don't be surprised if you hear me saying it a lot."

I winked at him before slipping out from his arms and going into the fridge to get myself a drink, pouring myself a glass of juice before turning back to him and tilting my head a little as I watched him. I frowned slightly.

"Bren, did I upset you by saying what I did about Alex? Its like, something about you changed after I finished talking...did it have anything to do with that? Cuz...if I said something bad or wrong, you'd tell me right?" I bit my lip softly as I waited for a response, worrying my lip a little between my teeth.

Smiling at him, "I like hearing that from you, and you can say it as much as you like," I winked again at him before looking back at the menu. I just hoped he wasn't worried that I had yet to say it. I just couldn't get the words out, it didn't mean though that I hadn't felt the same way. I just wasn't verbal about it...I didn't know...

I leaned against the counter, using my hands for balance. I didn't want to talk about it, but I didn't want him to think I was ignoring, so I figured I would use my regular cop out, "No, I was just, it's been a long coupla days, you know. From me being here, away from my parents for like, the first time ever, and the concert and all the events of last night, it's weird, certain things just hit me at certain times," I forced a smile as I walked over to him and took the glass out of his hand, kissing him on the lips, "So don't you worry your little sexiness off..."

Moving back to the menu, I pointed at something with rice and veggies that sounded good, "I think I'll try that," I grinned at Ryan, "I just don't want to butcher the pronunciation of it."

Nodding a little, I pulled myself up onto the counter and grabbed Alex's cell phone off the counter. "I think he has the Chinese restaurant in here somewhere." I cycled through the numbers and let out a small cry of victory when I found it. "So you don't wanna butcher the pronunciation, but you're gonna make me do it." I smirked at him a little and reached for the menu, checking out what he wanted to order before nodding and calling the restaurant. I placed all of our orders and then hung up the phone before putting it back on the counter and looking over at Brendon.

My eyes looked over him, and I chewed on the inside of my lip as I did. I felt like something wasn't right, but I figured, if he was going to hide things from me or lie to me about it, it'd come out eventually. I just hoped it wouldn't be an issue when it came out, and that it wasn't a big thing. I hated the idea of him not talking to me about something or hiding something from me or lying to me about something.

"Order is placed. They're just like, up the street five steps, so they said it should be something like fifteen, twenty minutes. So then you can have your food and your poor tummy can stop with all the rumbly." I smiled at him then picked up the glass, taking a sip from it and playing with the glass after a little.

Walking over to him, I smiled, "Cool, so it should be here soon, I am starving," I winked before walking out of the kitchen into the living room and plopping on the couch. I really was hungry and I didn’t want to use much energy until I was filled with food. I sniffed. Eww. Even though I could use a shower since I hadn't bathed since 7am yesterday. That was the longest I had gone in a while without one. It was like kicking back to third grade or something the summer Spence and I decided that swimming in a chlorine pool was about the same as taking a shower, thinking all the chemicals had to kill the germs.

Laughing at the thought, I turned towards the tv, reaching for the remote to find something entertaining. Wheel of Fortune was one. Sweet I loved this show. I sat the remote back down, propped my feet up and began talking to the screen like I always did.

"NO! A 't' you idiot, seriously, there is a word that has an 'h' and an 'e' at the end and it is a place, what the hell else could it be?" Damn, this people are stupid. I always wanted to go on this show to prove how ignorant they actually are, but then I realized I would probably freeze under the camera and lights, that's a lot of pressure!

I sat there on the counter for a few moments, just looking at the glass in my hands before finishing drinking it and hopping off the counter. I put the glass into the sink and glanced over at Alex sleeping in the chair, and then to Brendon who was on the couch. I suddenly felt a little out of place and weird. Brendon had just gone to watch TV instead of being with me. I ran my hands over my thighs before walking back toward my bedroom.

Stopping before my room, I turned and looked at Brendon. "I'm gonna take a shower. I should be done before the food gets here. But if I'm not...Alex's wallet is on the counter with his phone. You can grab money out of it to pay for it, but I don't think I'll take that long."

I glanced back at Alex before walking into my bedroom and grabbing some clothes to change into, nice clean clothes that weren't pajamas, they were jeans, a t-shirt and one of Alex's hoodies that I'd appropriated since we'd moved to LA. It looked better on me anyway. I carried the clothes into the bathroom, closing the door, and starting the shower, letting it get steamy.

I smirked at the thought of Ryan getting in the shower. Naked and wet and hot and clean.... Clean? What the hell? Readjusting myself, I looked over at Alex before walking towards the bathroom. I enjoyed the sight of him naked a little too much and couldn’t pass this up. Shit, I should have suggested a shower, if my stomach wasn't so hungry...

Luckily he didn't lock the door, so I slipped in quietly and stood behind him. Running one hand along his chest, I stopped once I got to his waist band, slipping my fingers in to rest on his hipbone and my thumb to smooth over his skin.

"Perfect, we have just a little bit of time alone then," I smirked as I whispered in his ear, kissing the shell then making a trail down his neck. Moving my other hand to the front of his pants, not even touching him, I grinded my front side into his bum, "God, Ry, if we had more than a few minutes right now..." I spoke softly as I made my way back up to his ears, breathing heavily on them. The steam from the shower floating around the room, leaving a thickness that couldn't be explained, but made it all the more hotter, sexy wise...

"If," I grinned thinking of the last time we were on the phone, hell, any time we had phone sex and how kinky and stuff we made it, "If we were alone right now, and had a little more time, I would so have your pants around your ankles, with my hands on you like this," I kept one hand in his waistband, the other now squeezing his package lightly, "And I would be making you moan as I bit your neck and slid in and out of you..." I placed a small kiss on the back of his neck and then pulled away, "But, someone's gotta answer the door..." leaving him standing there, I walked into the living room as I called out the clue to the puzzle, "Duh, 'The Grand Canyon!'"

Sighing when Brendon left the bathroom, I shook my head to myself before I undressed and climbed into the shower. I wanted to just give in to him and give in to it, but it was still bugging me that he seemed upset in the kitchen and wouldn't tell me what was going on. I knew I probably shouldn't let it bother me like it was, but I couldn't help it. It was eating at my mind and even him there against me, in a steamy bathroom, touching me and suggesting things to me, it didn't get to me like it normally would. It made me want to ask what he was keeping from me instead.

I stepped under the hot water and let it pour down onto me while I stood there. It felt good. I went about my shower, washing up and washing my hair, but lingering once I was done to let the water continue to slide over my body. I needed it, I needed the warmth and the comfort, the chance to just relax and feel it all, go over my thoughts. I just didn't know how to feel. I still felt confused about the whole thing that had happened the night before.

I shook my head to shake some of the water from my eyes. I loved Brendon, I knew that was true, I didn't question that. But I questioned if he was being honest with me, and in the end, that was what was eating up inside me. He had been pretty much about to leave, he'd been very upset, and then suddenly he was acting like there was nothing wrong. I just didn't understand it, and it was bugging my mind. Everything was so screwed up after we had sex once, and the way he went on talking about sex again, it all added to the confusion. I just wanted the confusion and my head hurting to stop. I wanted to just be okay with all of it. I didn't know why I couldn't.

I walked back to the couch, and watched the next round. Alex was still out, so I continued to watch as I heard the shower running. It made me have to take a piss, but I decided against it as the girl with a thick Brooklyn accent was on the bonus round. She was an idiot too, or maybe I was just smart, or this could even be a repeat...I don't know.

Once the show was over, I began switching the channels again until I heard a knock on the door. It made me miss home. Usually when there was a knock at the door, our dog would immediately come running from wherever he was in the house, barking his whole way to the front door. But here, it was silence. Getting off the couch, I opened the door and told the man I would be right back, running into Ry's bedroom to get my wallet. What? I knew he said to take Alex's money, but it was my idea for food, so why make him pay?

Grabbing a twenty, I handed the bill to the delivery guy and thanked him, closing the door and taking the bag into the microwave to keep warm until Ryan was out of the shower. After putting it in the device, I reached around for a water bottle for myself and filled Ryan's drink back up before going back to the couch and waiting for Ryan. The food smelled so good, but I didn’t want to be rude and eat. Even though my stomach was now eating itself.

After a while, I turned off the shower and stepped out, wrapping a towel around me and drying off before pulling on the clothes. I tugged on the hoodie and sighed at the warmth and comfort of it, I always pulled that hoodie on whenever I needed comfort, it was like being curled up in comforting arms and warmth, it was perfect. I chewed on my lip and then quickly dried my hair. I figured eyeliner and anything else could wait until later, but I wanted my hair to not dry all funky.

Once I was content with how I looked for the moment, I gathered up the pajama pants and Alex's hoodie and carried them back to my room, dumping them on the bed. I smirked a little as I looked at the hoodie on the bed, realizing that I seemed to appropriate all of his best hoodies by sleeping in his room without having my own and then grabbing one of his when I got up and leaving them in my room when I changed. I figured I should do laundry and return at least a couple of them.

I left my room and went back into the living room, back to Brendon. I ran my hand through my hair with one hand, tugging the sleeve down on the hoodie with the other, letting it cover my hand and part of my fingers. I gave Brendon a small smile before going over to wake up Alex, I knew he'd have a majorly sore neck when he woke up, but I didn't want him to sleep too late, and on top of that I didn't want him to have to eat cold Chinese food. I shook him awake and smiled down at him before going over to the kitchen. "Brendon, did the food get here? Lex, I ordered your favorite."

Following Ryan to the kitchen, I smiled, "Yeah, it's in the microwave to keep warm," I walked over to it, pulling out the bag and setting it on the counter. Opening it, a small puff of steam rolled out, "Hmm, still warm," I grinned before removing all the contents on the counter then folding the bag and throwing it away.

Picking up and sniffing the containers, I tried to separate with what everyone got, but then I realized, I had no clue what they had gotten, just that mine didn't have meat. Once I found the one that had just sauce and vegetables, I looked over at Ryan, "I'm not sure who's is whose, so I will leave them here, do we need plates or anything or should be conserve some water and just eat out of these?"

I was cool with either one as I picked out some broccoli, popping it in my mouth before opening it and allowing the heat to escape. Damn that was hot! They needed warnings on this stuff or something. I looked down, oh...'Caution, may be hot." Yep, I was an idiot. But I could so beat those people on Wheel of Fortune in a heartbeat!

I shrugged a little as Alex got up and, stretching, followed into the kitchen and pulled out some forks and chopsticks. He loved using chopsticks. "You don't have to use a plate if you don't want to. But if you do, go ahead. They're in that cabinet over there, there are bowls and plates, so you can go for whatever you want." I pointed at the cabinet before Alex opened the other containers, holding one out to me with a grin.

"You're so predictable Ry, you always get the same thing." I grinned and shrugged, but took the container from him, grabbing a fork as well before I slid onto one of the stools at the island. Alex pulled a couple bowls from the cabinet and put them in front of me. He then grabbed the container of rice and plopped it in front of me. I put some of the rice into one of the bowls and then poured the sweet and sour chicken that was in my container over the rice.

"Thanks Lex. I was gonna just eat this without rice, but..." I grinned a little before taking the first bite and sighing softly. "Okay, so we've got food and we've got the party in a little while. Are you going anywhere or doing anything before the party?"

Alex shrugged a little as he followed suit and put the rest of the rice in a bowl and added what was in his container, a cashew chicken thing of sorts, he said it was really good and I figured I’d have to try it one day, eventually. "I hadn't planned on it. But I don't want to get in the way of you two. So I can go see what the guys are up to so you guys can be alone."

Sitting down with Ry an Alex after I grabbed a plate, I looked between the two as they held a conversation. It made me miss...everything. And that made me feel bad. I was here with Ryan...and I was missing shit? I'm not sure why I kept repeating those words over and over in my head, but that they did. It was like a cd that was skipping. Almost like a subliminal message that had to tell me that I had to enjoy the time with Ryan.

I didn't have to be told, and I had no clue what the hell was wrong with me. I just wished it would all go away. What? I wasn't even sure of the answer myself.

Looking at Ryan once Alex asked the question about leaving us alone, he didn't look like he cared either way. I was having a hard time reading him lately. And I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing, really... "No, Alex, it's cool, I mean, you don't have to go anywhere, it's only a couple hours, right and you and I both need showers and we all will need to get ready and stuff, so, I mean," I looked at Ryan again, "Unless you would like to be alone or something, I don't see the point of Alex having to leave again..." Um, yeah, cause when he left us alone...bad shit goes down...

Smiling at Ryan, allowing him to answer, my eyes fell back to my plate as I mixed the sauce and stuff with my rice and taking a few bites. Luckily, it had cooled down some, cause there was nothing worse than a burnt tongue. I hated those things. It impaired my talking and got me all sensitive and cranky. Yes, all this over a damn burn of the tongue, but it really hurt. Oh, especially a slice of cheese pizza...

Alex looked over at me and I looked over at him. I shrugged again. "Bren has a point. You need to shower, he needs to shower. You need to get ready for the party. So, you don't have to go anywhere if you don't want. I mean, its a few hours and we're pretty much gonna be getting ready and then just lounge around I think." I took a bite of my dinner before looking back at him. "Its up to you. Really Lex, go check in with the guys if you want or stay here." I smiled over at him.

He nodded and maneuvered the chopsticks in his fingers before he took a bite. "Okay, well, I'll shower and all, but if you guys want to be alone without me here and all, just tell me, okay?"

I nodded. "Sure. But you know we like you and all, it isn't like you have to just leave." I took another bite, making sure to pick a perfect piece of chicken before moving the fork to my lips.

"Okay, Ry, we've had their food several times now, you've had the same thing every time, and you still haven't tried this. So here." He got some of his food on his chopsticks and held them out to me. "Its about damn time you tried it and expanded on your tastes."

I rolled my eyes at him but leaned forward to take the bite. "Okay..." I accepted the bit of food. "Mmm...you were right, that’s good. Bren, you should try it, although...you don't like chicken, so you wouldn't like it, nevermind." I frowned a little and prodded at my rice covered in sauce.

A fringe of jealousy shot through my veins as I watched them in front of me. I was the one who was supposed to be feeding my boyfriend food. I have never in my time shared food with my best friend. Hell, if he wanted to try it, he could get a damn plate and dish some up himself.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had no clue what the hell was wrong with me. If I couldn’t even figure it out, then why was I letting it bother me? I was so messed up at this moment. I didn't know which way was up, or how I should feel or what I should do. I was just confused. Not that this was a new thing to me, but this was the first time that I knew if I didn't fix the confusion that it would have been the worst thing I had ever done.

Forcing a smile, I looked at Ryan than at Alex, "Yea, I'm not a fan on the whole meat thing, but I will take the both of your words for it," not feeling hungry anymore, I stood up to throw the rest of my food away. I knew I had to make some sort of excuse since I had been complaining about how hungry I was, "Yeah, so, I hate when you are so hungry, but then when you get food, you get full so quickly..." I managed to say, "So, I'm just gonna go take a shower while you too finish up eating," I smiled again at them before stepping to Ryan and pecking him on the temple and heading to the bathroom, figuring I would just use a towel and change once I got out in Ryan's room.


part II