Title: This is bullshit (20/?)
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan
Rating: R
Summary: Saying goodbye is the hardest part.
Disclaimer: *sigh*
Author’s Note: This is a co-write.  howido_fics(also where previous chaps are found) is Brendon, youbrat is Ryan.  Ryan's pov is in blue and Bren's is normal black. 



I woke up just before the alarm was to go off. And I'm glad I did. Ryan was still asleep, arms wrapped around me, and I was so happy. I just wanted to lay here and stare at him for hours. But from the time I read on the clock, I had ten minutes.

He honestly never looked so beautiful. The way his hair hung down, his eyelashes rested on his cheeks, his mouth closed in a simple line. Upper lip resting over his bottom, leaving a small shadow and allowing the top to curl slightly. I ran my finger ghostly over it. And his eyes and his nose. So lightly to not wake him up, but for me to feel him. His skin was so soft when he woke up in the morning. Like each time one sleeps, they wake up with a brand new layer of rejuvenated cells.

I wanted so badly to kiss him. Those lips that looked a little dry from the lack of moisture through the night. All I wanted to do was grab his neck, pull him into me, separate his lips with my tongue and attach my mouth with his until he HAD to leave.

Alex shifted on the bed behind me as he woke up. Sitting up, he glanced over at the two of us and smiled to himself as he slipped from the bed and left the bedroom so he could grab a shower before we had to head out to the airport.

Moving slightly, I pressed closer to Brendon, still utterly asleep and not wanting to get up. My hand slid up his chest as I nestled my cheek more against his chest. His touch didn't wake me up, it just made me hold onto him more in my sleep and my lips to curve into a sleepy smile. My leg moved to twine with his, and my body relaxed even more against him.

Downstairs, my parents had just arrived home and were putting our luggage into the car to be taken to the airport. They were also getting breakfast ready. They knew the three of us were upstairs, they knew we were sleeping in their bedroom, and they knew Brendon was my boyfriend and that we wanted a night together before I left.


I smiled as Ryan moved around me. Even more so when Alex left and gave us some time alone. As much fun as I had last night, I still only care for Ryan. Which is how it's supposed to be, since he is my boyfriend and all. I could hear, most likely, his parents coming in and out of the house and to their car. I hope that meant a little more time alone with Ryan.

I sighed, yawned, and stretched before settling back down, centimeters from his face. I could see the exhaustion in his eyes, but I took the fact that they were open as a good enough sign to press my lips to his. Just allowing them to touch, I wrapped my hand around his waist and pressed him to me. This is something I will miss. Most definitely.

Letting my eyes slip closed, I breathed in his scent and just let my mind fall into the kiss. More so to will away the tears that I knew were going to start. Who knew that I would have fallen so hard for someone? It could be that this was my first boyfriend ever, or first relationship at all for that matter, but I think it's because he's so goddamn amazing. In every way, shape and form.

I kissed Brendon back deeply and passionately before slowly pulling away and looking up at him, a small smile on my lips. "Hey...how'd you sleep?"

I bit my lip softly and sighed quietly as my hand slipped back down to his hip. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to get on that plane. I didn't want to go to LA, not if it meant leaving Brendon. I pressed my face into the curve of his neck and pressed even closer to him. My fingers played gently with the edge of his boxers. He felt so good right there against me.

I could smell the scent of breakfast and I just knew that she was making pancakes. My mom was amazing to me on my last morning there. She was going to cry the entire drive to the airport and most likely half the time I would be gone too.

Cuddling closer and kissing every inch of skin I came across innocently, I just held him like this was our last moment together forever. It kind of was, if you think about it. They say that ones summer from high school to college is one that they grow up the most. Ryan is leaving me a teenager when he goes to LA and will come back to a young adult. I know I will change in ever aspect, but not my feelings to him for sure.

Turning my head to kiss him, I nearly screamed as my heart jumped from my chest.

*BEEP* BEEP *BEEP*

I held my chest. Fucking alarm clock. It ruined my moment. Untangling myself, I allowed Ryan to turn it off. I sighed as I fell back on the bed, letting my heart settle as I laughed at the situation. Taking a deep breath, I inhaled the air, "Mmm, food..."

What can I say? I'm a sucker for it!

Chuckling softly I moved to sit up, running my hand through my hair and yawning. I was still exhausted, and I just wanted to stay in bed, but I knew I'd need to shower before breakfast. I nodded a little and murmured. "Mom wanted to make breakfast for me. You didn't say how you slept though Bren."

I reached out and took his hand, playing with his fingers a little as I held onto his hand. I felt like maybe I should not have gotten into a relationship before I was leaving for the summer, but how could I have resisted being with Brendon? He was exactly what I needed, and there I was, about to say goodbye to him.

Lifting his fingers to my lips, I kissed his hand gently before looking back up at him. I could hear the shower running, and I knew Alex was up and showering. I wondered if maybe Brendon would let me shower with him so that I could spend as much time with him as I could. He looked so adorable laying there, but he also would look amazing in the shower. I just didn't want to be away from him.

"Like a baby. I didn't wake up once, I guess I was just completely content and safe in your arms," I watched him kiss my fingers, curling them and touching his lips as he did, "How about you?" I asked as I sat up too.

I wanted him to keep talking. I just wanted to hear his voice. I should have had him go to the studio with us and have him repeat the alphabet or his favorite poem over and over again so whenever I missed him, I could just play that. I know, I could just call him, but not until I was sure it would be cool with his new job.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to get my bag as quickly as I could. Stopping and smiling at his parents, informing them that we would be right down. Running back up, I was slightly out of breath as I reached into my bag. "I almost forgot," I pulled out an iPod Nano, "I got this as a free gift when I opened my checking account a few months ago, and I never used it," I shrugged, crawling up in the bed so our legs touched, "So, I filled it with a bunch of my favorite songs, and a few for 'us', like 'Naked Peek-a-boo' and 'Let's Get It On' and OH! this awesome song by Matchbook Romance called 'Shadows and Statues' and a slow song by Letter Kills. Plus, Alex helped me lay-down some voice tracks of me just talking and stuff, so there are explanations on here of most of the songs and such. So, here," I handed it to him, "If you ever get bored, too lonely or whatever, you can listen to this..."

I laughed when he suddenly ran out of the room and waited for him to come back. When he did he floored me. I took the iPod and looked down at it before up at Brendon. "Bren...wow...you...you didn't have to give this to me, but thank you." I smiled and wrapped my arms around him, pulling his lips to mine.

He was perfect to me, he was everything I needed and wanted right then, and I was about to say goodbye to that. I moved closer to him until I had myself in his lap and my lips were stuck to his, I refused to pull them away. The kisses weren't frantic or anything, I kept them slow and deliberate, just giving the two of us time to take it in and enjoy and remember. After kissing him for a few minutes I slowly pulled away and looked down into his eyes. "You realize I'm going to miss you like crazy, right? I mean, seriously Bren, I'm going to be there in LA and missing you so much."

Caressing his cheek softly, I leaned in and kissed him again softly. "I'll be listening to it every night when I go to bed I think. Every night."

Oh his kisses. I loved them. That is the truth. Hell, love might even be an understatement.

"It's no problem really," I smiled, "And what about, 'you will be busy with work and the band, and I will be busy with bands and shows'?" I winked remembering him saying to that each time I brought up missing him. Here I was trying to be the damn strong one, but I knew I was going to crack before long.

"No, seriously Ry, I am going to miss you too. Too much to bear at moments most likely, but we have the phone and email, and I will try to visit at least once, and you will do the same. Plus, if we can make it through this, we should be set for a while with making it through things in the future...right?" I leaned forward and kissed him repeatedly on the lips. Small pecks over and over.

I nodded against Brendon's lips and kissed him again, just holding onto him and pressing in closer against him. Sighing softly, I rested my head against his neck and murmured softly. "I need to go take a shower before breakfast. Mom's gonna be calling for us soon and it sounds like Alex is done in the shower."

Pulling back, I looked down at him and touched his cheek. "Do you, um...wanna shower with me?"

I tilted my head to the side a little before slipping off of his lap and then off of the bed. I looked down at the iPod in my hand, smiling to myself. Brendon was absolutely adorable. I was going to have to try to make sure I was busy enough so that I didn't go crazy missing him, but I knew all the same I would. He'd made himself a very good spot in my heart and it wasn't just going to evict him because I was in LA and not in Vegas.

I allowed the smile to spread across my face. How could I deny a shower with the hottest man alive? I just nodded as I climbed out of bed, following him to wherever he needed to go, "But, we will have to make it a quickie?" I winked, "Wait, not a quickie like that kind of quickie, but a quickie, like a quick shower..." Ok, now I was blushing in front of my boyfriend.

Taking a deep breath, I stopped and regained composure, "Ok, we need to take a quick shower, cause it's getting late. So, I'll just simply join you and not worry about getting so clean, or even washing my hair, cause I can shower when I get back," I looked up at him, still feeling the heat on my cheeks, "Does that make sense?"

It did to me...I just hoped he wouldn't take it the wrong way.

Laughing, I took Brendon's hand and led him into the bathroom with me. "Yeah, well, we're both going to get clean, because I want an excuse to touch you. Besides, I'm sure Alex will enjoy the pancakes until we get down there."

I grinned and turned on the water to the shower, going over to grab two towels and put them out to the side of the shower. I pulled Brendon in to kiss him softly before letting my fingers slip into his boxers and tugging them off of his hips. "And we'll make it quick, no doubt there."

Kicking off my shorts, I stepped into the shower, holding my hand out for Brendon. I knew I couldn't let us get too distracted, not that my parents would have really cared if he and I got into it in the shower or anything. It was just that we couldn't be late to the airport, I couldn't miss my flight. I pulled him against me once he was in the shower with me and leaned back so we were under the water, pulling his lips to mine so I could kiss him all wet and sexy.

I let the water fall around us as I fell into the kiss. There was something about him being wet around me. It was just the greatest. Yeah, that's the best adjective I can come up with at the moment.

Moaning into the kiss, I reached around on the shower caddy, tilting my head to the left, opening my eyes as soon as the spray was not on them. I grabbed a bottle of Frutiuse, oh...that's what makes his hair smell so good! Anyway, I took the bottle and managed to pour some in my hand. I poured too much and somehow managed to drop the bottle too. Oh well, only so much you can do while your boyfriend's mouth is attached to various spots of skin.

I slopped some on my head as I smeared the rest on Ryan's wet hair, massaging it in freely. With my hands in his hair, his lips were off my body, so we basically stood there and eye fucked each other until I asked him to step back so I could rinse his hair.

Smiling, I tilted my head back into the water, letting the suds rinse away before reaching up to lather his up as well. I wished that we had gotten up earlier so we could have had a long and lazy shower together. I mean, first of all, my boyfriend was in a shower, naked, with me. Why would I want to cut that experience short? If we had gotten up earlier and gotten in the shower earlier, we could have made a lot more use of the time we had there in the shower together.

I switched places with Brendon once his hair was lathered up, and then I pulled him against me and kissed him again, holding his body against mine. I loved how he felt, skin on wet skin against me with nothing between us. I had to get as much of touching him in as I could before I got on that plane.

Pulling back, I bent down and picked up the shampoo bottle, putting it back in the shower caddy before pulling out the body wash. Yeah, I used body wash, but no, it wasn't some girly scent, although it was a little vanilla scented. It was new, mom had bought it along with some others for me to bring with me to LA, I'd liked the scent so I put it in the shower immediately. Squeezing some out onto a washcloth, I lathered that up as well, hoping Brendon would let me wash him.

Him massaging my hair was enough to put me back to sleep. I always did that...played with and twisted my hair before I went to bed. I guess it cleared my mind, so I always had to keep my hair a little longer, cause it was hard to sleep without that ritual. Also, I had to bathe in the morning because of it...

"Well?" I smirked as he stood there with a washcloth full of body wash in front of me. Yet another secret? Hell, I used Red-Zone wash, so I could smell manly, and here he is with vanilla. No wonder his scent was addictive!

Allowing him to run the washcloth over me, I copied his movements on him once he was done. Making sure to kiss him between the different limbs I washed, or whenever our lips got close. When I finished, I ringed the washcloth, hanging it next to the one from the night before and kissed him. I knew the shower should be short, but I kissed him and touched him and held him for as long as he would let me.

Whimpering softly, I clung to Brendon, kissing him back and just holding onto him. The moment we stepped out of the shower it would be rushing to get dressed and then rushing to eat breakfast and then saying goodbye to the guys when they came over and then it would be rushing to the airport and then rushing to catch our plane. I wasn't ready to step out of that shower and face reality.

I pulled back after a moment and looked at him, the running water falling over his body. He looked perfect. He looked beautiful. He was mine, and I had to give him up for the summer. "Promise me, you're not going to change wildly so that when I come back I'll be coming back to a stranger?"

I bit my lip softly as I looked into his eyes. I knew we were going to change, Alex and I had talked about it, I just wanted to be sure he'd still be my Brendon when I came home.

"I promise..." I whispered looking in his eyes before I kissed him. I was about to kiss him again when there was a knock on the door. I groaned not wanting to end this, "We should get ready..."

Stepping out of the shower, I picked up a towel Ryan set out previously and wrapped it around him, drying him off quickly, not dropping eye contact. After he was dry, I did the same to myself as I realized my clothes were in his parent's room. Pecking him on the lips, I whispered, "My clothes are in your parent's room, you go on ahead, I'll be right down, Ok?" I asked, not allowing him to answer as I kissed him again.

Tucking the towel around me, I stepped in the hall hearing Spencer's voice downstairs. They must be here to say goodbye. Goodbye... As soon as I entered his parent's room, I sat down on the bed, my body feeling like it was going to collapse. "Goodbye," I repeated aloud to let it sink in. And there it was, the first tear of the day...

Leaving the bathroom, I went into my bedroom to get dressed. I looked around my near empty room and sighed as I pulled on the jeans and T-shirt I'd set out for myself. I then tugged on the hoodie and picked up the bag that all my last minute stuff was in. I ran into the bathroom, putting what needed to go in into the bag before closing it up and going downstairs, putting the bag by the front door while I said good-morning to the guys.

Mom had made enough breakfast for all the guys to join us so we all sat down in the dining room to eat and just enjoy Alex and my last couple hours in Vegas. I looked up when Brendon came down and moved a little to show him I'd saved him a seat beside me. We all dug into breakfast, talking about everything when Alex produced from his messenger bag one of the cd's he'd made with all their material. He handed it to me and then pulled one out for each of the guys, letting us all know he had some extras to take with us to LA and to give to certain people. I smiled to myself, knowing I was going to give it to Pete. After all, their band was perfect for Decaydance.

Breakfast went by in a whirl, I barely could taste mom's pancakes, and I could see the tears in her eyes. I knew it was a mixture of sadness that Alex and I were leaving and happiness that I suddenly had friends again. She'd always worried about me.

Once I made it downstairs, I couldn't help but smile at everyone around the table. I sat down next to him, immediately being served by his mother and thanking her before I dug in and placed my hand on Ryan's thigh.

I didn't pay much attention to the conversation in front of me, but enough to answer when I was asked something and laugh with the other guys. I was nervous about him leaving. The plane ride, the hectic LA and everything. That's just me though, I worry.

After breakfast, I helped Mrs. Ross clean up, loading the dishwasher and wiping the table as Ryan and Alex said bye to the guys in the band, "Um, Mrs. Ross, do you care if I go with you to the airport? I can drive separately if you have plans afterwards and are coming straight home..." I asked, already being completely comfortable with her. I could see a lot of her in Ryan, they were both so kind and caring and considerate. And that's what I liked them.

After telling me she would love to have me with her, we walked into the living room as the guys were about to leave. Well, I guess this is it. One more step to go.

Alex and I spent as much time as we could, given the restricted amounts we had left, saying goodbye to the guys. It was going to be weird after making such good friendships with all the guys in the band to suddenly be without them around again. I hugged each of them and told them we'd keep in touch and let them know if we got any of the record execs interested in their music to sign them.

Alex and I walked them all out to their car, saying goodbye one more time, and I grinned to myself as I watched Alex hug Spencer, remembering what Spence had said that night in the studio. We waved goodbye to the guys, and I turned to see Brendon. Pulling him to me, I wrapped my arms around him. We watched the guys pulling away before my dad told us we had to grab whatever else we were bringing with us as we had to be in the car and leaving in fifteen minutes.

We headed into the house, me up to my room to grab my carryon and brush my teeth, Alex to go take a piss, mom to grab the snacks she had put together for our flight, and Dad to go check that he had all the information he needed. I finished up upstairs and picked up my bag, putting the iPod into it and smiling to myself before reaching over onto my desk where I'd put one of those envelope things, it was filled with our ticket and flight information. I shoved it into my bag and went back downstairs, making sure no one was around before attacking Brendon's lips with mine.

Kissing Ryan back, we made up missed time, and stayed there until we were interrupted by a very excited Alex who was ready to get in the vehicle and head to LA. I could tell he was excited and just shook my head at him and smiled.

We all piled in, Ryan in the middle, Alex and I on either side. I held his hand the entire ride to the airport. Making small talk with his parents and squeezing his hand with reassurance as his parent's did the 'parental speech' before sending their kid off somewhere.

Sneaking in kisses every chance we got, we pulled up to the airport, unloading their things while we waited for his parents to park. I took advantage of the time, pulling Ryan into me and resting his forehead on mine, "Have fun, which I am sure you will, and I promise, promise, promise I will not change too much when you are gone, and I guarantee you will fall right beck into my arms when you get back, like there was no distance between us at all."

Smiling, I leaned in and kissed him, pulling him tightly against me and just holding him there. I buried my face into the curve of his neck while I held onto him. I didn't want to say goodbye to him. I could handle saying goodbye to the guys. I could handle saying goodbye to my parents. I couldn't handle saying goodbye to Brendon.

I pulled back as my parents came up after parking the car, and we all grabbed some of our bags and lugged them inside. I had to thank God that my parents had money, because the number of bags and their weight was over the limit, and we had to pay for the excess, so between me and Alex, my parents forked over their credit card. They wanted us to hold onto our money for use in LA, and Alex and I thanked them. We got our boarding passes and walked away from the ticket counters. We had some time to kill, but we also had to still get through security.

To delay saying goodbye more, mom gave us the packet of snacks she'd put together for us, and we each put ours into our bags. I held onto Brendon's hand as we went to look through one of the newsstands, and I threaded my fingers with his, not ready to let go. The time was ticking down, but Alex and I each picked up a couple magazines and I even bought one of those puzzle books before we headed out of the newsstand and over to security.

I could tell they were stalling, which I was beyond thankful for. I followed them as far as the security would let me. Once we got to the point I couldn't go, I stood back as I let him say goodbye to his parents. I laughed as his father repeated the warnings again to him, rolling my eyes at Alex. It was weird, where were his family and friends? I guess it was none of my business, if it were, Ry would have told me.

Giving them as much space and room as possible, I checked my phone, they were boarding in less than ten minutes. It wasn't enough time. Never enough.

Mr. and Mrs. Ross stepped back, looking at me smiling as his mom tugged me towards Ryan telling me they were gonna go to the bathroom and stuff before watching the plane take off.

I gulped, looking at Ryan, forcing a smile, "Well, I guess this is it..."

Oh, how cliche.

Alex looked at the two of us before stepping forward to hug Brendon. Telling him goodbye before telling me he'd meet me beyond security so me and Bren could say goodbye alone. I nodded to him and thanked him before turning back to Brendon. Sighing, I pulled him into my arms and hugged him tight to me, closing my eyes as I did. I refused to cry about this in front of him. It'd just make saying goodbye harder.

"Not for good, just...for now..." I bit into my lip and then pulled back to look into his eyes. "You're gonna come see me. And I'm gonna try to get back once a month. So, that would mean we'd see each other at least four weekends over this summer. Not enough, no, but better than none at all, right?"

I tried to smile as if that made me happy, but I knew I couldn't do it. I pulled him to me again and kissed him deeply and passionately. I was so going to miss his lips. I was going to miss his body, his lips, all of him. I held his face between my hands, just holding our lips together, keeping the kisses PG rated so as to not cause problems with everyone around us before I pulled back and sighed softly. "I'm gonna miss you Bren."

Hugging Alex, I smiled and said goodbye, asking him to take care of Ryan like he always had as I buried my head in his neck. For as much controversy as I allowed him to cause between him and Ryan in my friend's eyes, I was sure going to miss him.

Watching him walk through the security, I sighed and looked at Ryan. We kissed and held each other the best we could in a public place. "I'm going to miss you too, Ryan. That is obvious..." I managed to laugh, "But even so, we will see each other. I will try to come out more than once. I promise. And we will talk on the phone as much as our jobs will allow. And we can email and text and send pics via phone...and you can listen to the Nano...so, it'll be ok."

I looked down, knowing I was telling myself more than him, well, maybe just as much. I pecked his lips again as his parents came up behind us, "Take care, Ry," I felt the chills run up and down my body as I said it, "And I will see you in a few weeks..."

I nodded and pulled Brendon's lips to mine again, kissing him passionately before pulling a CD out of my bag and pressing it into his hands. "I'm gonna hold you to that. If you're not in LA in a few weeks I'm gonna think something went wrong."

I smiled at him and then kissed him again before waving to my parents and turning away and walking to security. They sent my bag through the scanner, and I went through the metal detector, turning to wave to them and smile softly at Brendon before I had to gather my things and was beyond their sight.

Alex caught me as I damn near walked into him, tears streaming down my cheeks while he pulled me against him. He held me close as we walked through the airport to our gate. We boarded and were seated in first class (thanks to my parents) in a matter of minutes. I curled up in Alex's arms and just let him hold me as I pulled out my cell phone and texted Brendon.

Listen 2 the CD 2nite, I b with u, will call when we land. bye

I turned off my cell phone and shoved it back into my bag and let myself get lost in Alex's arms while I clung to him.

The ride back to Ryan's house was quiet. I claimed I was tired and closed my eyes.

Honestly, I had a better chance of not crying if my eyes were closed, I have no clue why or how that works, but it did for me. As soon as I heard the car stop, I stepped out, declining their offer to stay for lunch since I was still full from breakfast. Wanting to make a quick exit, I told them I needed to head to work. They let me leave, telling me not to be a stranger while Ryan was gone. And I promised I wouldn't.

I waved as I pulled out of their driveway, driving to the interstate, and finding that familiar spot where we watched the stars that one night. I parked the car, turned my phone on vibrate, and leaned back in the chair once I put in the cd. I figured I would wait here for the call from Ryan, making sure he was ok, then I would drive back.

As soon as the music hit the speakers, I lost it. Sitting there, I shook as the tears fell from my eyes.



THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR WORRYING ABOUT ME. I AM OK. AND BACK AND READY TO WRITE AGAIN. ALSO, THANK THE LORD FOR MY AMAZING AMAZING SEXY, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT BOYFRIEND AND ELIN FOR TAKING CARE OF ME AND MY WRITING WHILE I WAS LAID UP ON THE COUCH WATCHING OPRAH, DR. PHIL AND SIX FEET UNDER RERUNS.... BUT I AM GOOD TO GO, AND SLIGHTLY MORE MOBILE... AND THANK YOU TO YOU ALL FOR COMMENTING ON MY OTHER WRITINGS THAT WERE POSTED, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO REPLY TO THEM, BUT DO KNOW THAT THEY MADE MY DAY!