Title:This is bullshit (15/?)</>
Authors: howido_fics & youbrat
Pairing:Brendon/Ryan</>
Rating:R</>
Summary:Friday and the stars</>
Disclaimer:*sigh*</>
Author’s Note:It’s a co-write. I am Brendon, youbrat is Ryan.</>
1:x:2::3:x:4:x:5:x:6:x:7:x:8:x:9:x:10:x:11:x:12:x: 13:x:14



I rushed out of there as soon as I could.  Luckily I bribed the girl that was closing with me that I would work tomorrow during the day for her if she would close with the manager so I could leave right at 9 to get home and take a shower.  I really didn’t need Saturday off since I wasn’t going to prom, and she needed to get her hair done or something for it, plus, if I am gone all day...working...I won’t have to help my parents get ready for my party.  I know, that’s bad, but oh well.

I was home by 9:15, so I hopped in the shower as soon as I read the note saying my parents were at my cousin’s house, but food for me and Ry were in the fridge, and Dad’s keys to the truck were by the garage.

As I was in the shower, I realized how much tension was actually lifted off the house when my parents confessed they knew I was gay.  Here I thought my life would be a living hell.  Hopping out of the shower, I grabbed some clean boxers and threw on my clothes from school that day, grabbing a hoodie, a blanket, the food and keys from the kitchen, and sleeping bags from the garage, I pulled out my fathers truck, closing the door, and headed over to Ryan’s house.  I couldn’t wait to see him!

I had spent the day with Alex, as I had figured I would.  We set about making plans for our trip to LA and went shopping for clothes and things we were going to want to bring with us.  It had been a lazy day for the most part, but we'd had fun shopping, and we had grabbed lunch while we were out too.  It was good to have him back, even if it meant waiting extra time to leave because his hair had to be perfect, more perfect than mine at least.  It also meant spending time in the music stores instead of shopping for the things we really needed.  I didn't mind, but he already had all the cds, he didn't need more of them, and we were going to be living in the land of music so I was sure we'd get all we needed while there.

I made sure I was home by eight thirty so I could be sure I had everything ready for going out with Brendon.  I made some hot tea and put it into a large thermos for us since I knew he got cold after sundown in the desert.  I grabbed the air mattress as well as a warm hoodie and a blanket and put them all by the door.  Everything was ready, and I was waiting by nine fifteen.  I plopped myself down on the couch and glanced at the time, yawning softly.  My stomach was starting to churn with nerves over the conversation I was going to have to have with Brendon.

Making it there in a few minutes, I parked the truck in front of his house.  It wasn’t a big truck, but I was weird at backing up in it, so to be safe, I just parked it there.  I smiled my whole way up the walk.  I think I was even whistling.  Looking up, I tried to see if there were any stars.  No luck.  I could see the moon, since it was big, but the city lights distracted everything else.

I made it to his front door, and knocked two times, placing my hands in front of my while I rocked on my heels and waited.  Tonight would be fun!  I could barely sleep last night thinking about it, which in turn led me to being tired and daydreaming about it all day.

I wasn’t really anxious about the ‘talk’ we were going to have about Alex, so I played over thousands of scenarios in my head so that I would be a little prepared, and not cry or get mad.  But I think that might be unavoidable.  I lost my train of thought when I heard someone on the other side of the door, so I looked up, and smiled.

I heard a truck pull up outside the house and got up just as there was a knock at the door.  I smiled to myself as I opened the front door and grinned softly at Brendon.  "Hey...I've got a few things, wanna give me a hand?"

I tilted my head to the side as I bent down and picked up the thermos as well as the air mattress.  "If you can grab the blanket, then I'm all set to get going."

I looked up at him through the hair that had fallen across my face.  I flipped my head back to toss them out of the way as I looked up at him and stood back up.  I thought over everything I had to verify that I had everything I wanted and would probably need.  Phone?  Check.  Keys?  Check.  Thermos?  Check.  Air mattress?  Check.  Blanket?  Check.  Hoodie?  I looked down at myself.  Check.  Shoes?  My eyes flicked down.  Check.  Yep, I was ready to go and smiled as I waited on him before closing the door behind me.

“Sure,” I smiled as I grabbed the blanket, watching him as looked like he was hard in concentration.  We walked out to the truck.  I told him to set every thing down outside of here and to climb in through the driver side....so we could sit by each other, duh.

Doing as I told, he got in, as I place everything strategically so I could still see the side mirror, and we both would have room.  Climbing in the back of the truck, I put the thermos in the basket of food, secured it so it wouldn’t move around like my dad told me to do the night before, then I jumped off the side, and hopped in front of the wheel. 

I grinned at him before placing my hand on his leg leaning in to kiss him.  It was a hello kiss, so it didn’t last long as I removed my hand and started the truck, shifting it into drive.  “So, did you do anything exciting today Boyfriend?”

I smiled as I kissed him and shrugged a little.  "Alex and I worked on LA plans and then went shopping.  We were supposedly shopping for LA stuff, but Alex had to spend more than enough time in the music store looking at cds he already owns and ending up not buying anything."

I grinned and laid my head back, yawning just a little.  "It wasn't exciting, but it was fun.  I like having a shopping buddy and I haven't had one in a while, so it was good to have him here."

I looked over at Brendon as he started us off toward the desert.  "How was work?  Get out early or something tonight?" 

I rested my head against the back of the seat and just watched him, not really caring how we got to where we were going.  I knew I shouldn't have been tired, but it didn't change the fact that I was.  So I just let myself relax, looking forward to being curled up after in the back of the truck.

I laughed, “Sounds like Spencer.  Music is all he thinks about and talks about 24 hours a day, and the kid is a record store.”  I watch him lay back in the corner of my eye, “Yeah, I traded closing with some girl so I could get home and take a shower.  I was daydreaming and spilled some slush mix down my legs, so I reeked of strawberries.”

Once we got on the interstate, which was two exits away, and I picked a decent speed, I put the truck in cruise and ran my hand up and down his leg, “You tired?” I asked as I looked over at him, giving him a slight squeeze, “Luckily I didn’t ask you to go paint balling or something...” I laughed as I turned back to the road.

“We are almost there, then it’s you and me and the stars,” my eyes grew wide.  Leaning forward, I could already see more stars, “The shower doesn’t start for another fifteen minutes, we should make it there in time.”

I chuckled and leaned my head against his shoulder.  "There isn't anything wrong with smelling like strawberries sometimes Bren.  It might be rather cute if you did smell like strawberries."

I tilted my head up at him and grinned, leaning up to press a kiss to his jaw.  "I'm a little tired.  I didn't get enough beauty sleep last night I guess."  I shrugged and sighed as I looked out the windshield

"It isn't going to matter all that much if we're a few minutes late Bren.  I mean, if we miss a little of it that's not a huge deal."  I chewed on my lip softly.  "At least the air mattress doesn't require work, it'll blow itself up and then we can just lay back on it without a problem.  Did you want to unzip the bags and use them as  blankets?  One beneath and one above us?"

“Oh!  Like those things on cartoons when you push a button then BAM! it opens up?  I love those things!  I always wanted one, but my Dad never gave in, and always spent like five hours blowing the thing up by his mouth,” I laughed, “He’s such a stubborn ass sometimes.  But I love ‘em...”

Turning off on the exit, I made a quick right, slowing down to find the hidden drive my grandpa used to take us to.

”Yeah, I brought two sleeping bags and a blanket too, along with your blanket,” rolling down the window, I put my hand out, “And it isn’t that cool yet, so we should be ok with that,” I smiled, my heart skipping from excitement as I saw the handmade wooden sign that said “Look Spot”.  Using my signal...cause we were the only ones around...I turned onto the dirt road, following it back a few curves before parking at the opening.

Looking up at the device that told the temperature and direction we were heading, I moved the truck so we pointed North, and faced the exit, since the shower was from West to East.

I nodded to myself and waited until he had the truck parked.  I watched him make sure we were facing the right direction and thought, yet again, how adorable he was.  I waited until he was out of the truck before I climbed out after him.  I made my way over to the passenger's side and tugged out the air mattress.  I placed it in the back of the truck, just glancing at it to be sure it'd fit before tugging it out of the case it was in and turning on the inflater.

"It should only take a few minutes for it to inflate and then we'll be all set.  I think it'll be fine fitting in the back here."  I watched it start to inflate before I turned to look at Brendon.  "Anything else we're going to need you think?  Or do you think the we're okay without the sleeping bags for now?"

He was right, it wasn't too cold, but it wasn't hot either.  And it always got cold at night in the desert, but it wasn't always something that wasn't welcome.  I grabbed my blanket from the cab of the truck and tossed it on top of the air mattress.

I watched the air mattress open a little as I jumped in the back, maneuvering the basket so it would be out of the way and placed it on the other side of the tire bump thingy.  What are those things called anyway?  I shook my head, taking out my phone and noticing it was a little after ten, I slipped my hand in my pocket, taking out my pill and grabbing a bottle of water drinking it down.

Sighing at the drink, I looked over at Ryan and smiled, “Hey, could you hand me the sleeping bags and the other blanket?  One blanket should be good for now, but we might as well get everything back here so we don’t have to get up when we do get cold.”

He handed me the stuff, and I placed it on the other side of the bed, hopping out of it again before walking over, killing the lights and making my way over to him.  I slid my hands around his waist, smiling, “Now, for the official first kiss of the night,” I pressed him against the truck, “So, does that thing like ding or something when it’s all blown up?” I grinned before kissing him.

I rested my hands on his arms when he pressed me against the truck and looked into his eyes.  Luckily the moon and stars were bright enough for me to see his face and I lifted my hand up to caress his cheek softly.  I was about to answer him when he kissed me.  I pulled him against me and kissed him back, just enjoying the feeling and touch of him and his lips.

When we eventually pulled back I smiled and murmured.  "It'll just stop running once its full.  It usually only takes a few minutes and then it'll turn off.  You'll hear the motor stop running."

I leaned in and pressed my lips against his again.  My hand slid up into his hair and held his lips against mine.  My lips parted slightly for him, and I allowed him to kiss me more deeply if he wanted.  Just then the motor stopped, and I sighed softly as I pulled back.  "Speaking of which..."

I grabbed his hand and headed around to the tailgate.  "C'mon, let’s set up our bed."

I laughed as soon as we heard the motor stop, talk about convenient.  Letting him get in with the tailgate up, I put it down so we would have more leg room and hopped in to help him.  Making sure it was laid out and perfect, I gestured for him to lay down as I reached over and got us some of the food my mom backed. 

Ooh!  Finger food!  She had a couple Tupperware containers full of cheese blocks, carrots, some grapes, and mmmmbrownies.  And yes, mmmmbrownies is a word, Spencer and I invented it when we were five.

I laid down as slowly as I could after placing the food down, cause knowing me, I’d knock it all over.  Reaching over, I grabbed a cheese cube and a grape, popping them in my mouth at the same time.  Once I swallowed, I shrugged and looked over at Ryan, “Sorry, I’m hungry,” I smiled as I bit a carrot, “You want some?”

I laughed at Brendon and shook my head a little.  "You're cute."  I leaned forward and pecked his lips softly before I grabbed a piece of cheese.

"I don't know if you like tea, but I made some of my favorite tea and that's what's in the thermos.  It should still be hot and it has cream and sugar in it.  I made it just the way I like it.  So you're free to have some if you want, but if you don't like tea then I can just drink it myself.  It’s up to you."

I smiled and leaned back, grabbing the thermos and sitting up to open it.  I didn't know when I should broach the topic of Alex and talk to him about it.  Things were so comfortable and laid back as they were, I didn't want to mess that up, but I knew the moment we started having a serious conversation it would.  I just didn't know if I should wait until after or get it out of the way first.  I glanced over at him, trying to gage from him what to do.

Smiling as he ate some cheese, I brushed his hair back eating some more food.  Laying back, I made sure nothing exciting was happening in the sky before I turned to Ryan, settling on my side, causing him to bounce up a little, and the food to shake. 

Crunching on another carrot, I sighed happily, just smiling at him.  I wanted to take him and hug him and never let go.  He was that damn cute!

“You are too cute? You know?”  I smiled, leaned in and placed a kiss in his cheek since he had something in his mouth, “So, what is it you wanted to talk about, you know, Alex?”  I didn’t want to get the conversation started, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself cause I would be too worked up over it.

I smiled at him a little nervously and moved to sit up.  It wasn't something I was going to be able to talk about laying down, I just knew it wasn't.  I ran my hand through my hair and looked up at the sky for a few moments before I returned my focus back down to him.

"I haven't...well, I haven't really told you much about me and Alex, or...me and my past I guess, except that he and I are like Brian and Mikey from Queer as Folk."  I chewed on my lip a little and looked over at him as I leaned back against the edge of the truck.  "How much of my...let’s say relationship past do you want to know Bren?  Because if we're going to talk about me and Alex, and if I'm going to get you to understand us, I need to know how far back you want me to go."

I opened the thermos of tea and took a sip as I waited for him to think about that and answer me.

I bit my lip, shit, if he was nervous and pausing, how the hell am I gonna take it?  I mean, if I want to know, I want to know, he knows about my history.  Ok, considering it’s nonexistent...but I should know about all of his.  So, we might as well ‘get it over with’ as they say and have him spill it all, that’s if he was up for it.

Smiling at him, I ran my hand across his knee before sitting up across from him.  I wanted to see his face when he talked, so I could read him.

I gulped, “Um, tell me all you want, I mean, what you are comfortable with.  You know, the important stuff, let’s just get it all out now so that down the road you aren’t like, ‘Oh by the way, I..whatever’ when we see some guy on the street that knows you or winks at you or grabs your ass in public, I don’t know...”

I laughed softly and shook my head.  I looked down at his hand on my knee and nodded.  "Okay...so...you want all of it..."

I chewed on my lip and took a breath.  "Alex and I have been friends since elementary school.  We became friends because he protected me from a bully and after that we became tighter than...well, than anyone else I'd ever met or known and any pair of friends I'd ever met.  We were kinda joined at the hip.  Every weekend we were at each other's houses, we were always together in school, teachers had to separate us but when they did I felt so alone because I was missing..."  I smiled and chuckled.  "I guess you could say I was missing my security blanket, because that's what he became.  He was always there."

I shrugged a little and looked up at Brendon.  "We had our first dates with girls together, it was a double date.  It was a fiasco, but it was a double date.  That was my first and last date with a girl, and my first and last attempt to kiss a girl."  I shook my head a little.  "After that I started...well...finding myself more interested in guys than girls.  It scared me at first and I didn't tell anyone.  I kept it to myself and tried to deal with what was going on with me and, well at the time I thought what was wrong with me.  So I hid part of me from Alex and just continued as if everything was the same, like nothing about me ever changed."

I nodding, signifying that I understood.  It all made since to me.  We all have friends like that.  I know I did.  So I understood that.  I rubbed his leg reassuringly as I kept eye contact, using the other one to feel around for the food, it was like I was at a movie or something, and I needed snacks...

Popping some cheese in my mouth, I offered some to him before eating some more and nodding for him to continue.

I shook my head at his offer and smiled before continuing.  "I met this guy.  His name was Craig.  He helped me to not feel like anything was wrong with me and helped me just accept that I was gay.  We started dating almost immediately after.  I was thrilled, my first boyfriend.  I wanted everything that came with it, I wanted all that he could give me."  I bit my lip.  "We had sex not too long into the relationship.  It was okay.  It wasn't fireworks or fourth of July, but it was okay.  We were together for a little while after that.  I'm not going to get into everything, but we had a really bad breakup."

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a breath.  "I got distant from Alex without explaining to him why.  I was so hurt and confused and I started meeting guys and...well, I guess you could say I pretty much became a bit of a slut.  I slept with a bunch of different guys.  Most of them wouldn't recognize me if they saw me on the street, so you don't have to worry about that."  I looked over at him and smiled weakly.

"I felt like shit the whole time, but none of the guys I slept with or tried to start another relationship with brought me anything.  I felt used from each one.  And the sex never got better.  By the time I'd lost track of how many I'd slept with Alex was trying to find out what was wrong and why we were growing apart."  I laughed coldly.  "We were still so young, I was too young to go through what I'd gone through."

Chills ran up and down my body as he told me.  I wasn’t mad at him or jealous to say the least, cause I know that’s his past, and there’s nothing I can do to change it now.  But a slut?  I know he said he was clean and stuff, but still.  He’d been with so many guys, some that wouldn't even know him. And what if I was just as bad as them?  His own boyfriend?

I gulped offering him a smile, sighing noticeably, “And was it the fact that you hadn’t told him your preference that drew you apart?”  I broke the eye contact, looking down at my hands, “And, and I’m sorry you had to go through that at a young age,” making contact again, “I know you told me before, but how old were you?”

I nodded in answer to his first question.  "Yeah, well, it was that I hadn't told him but it was also my new life.  It was the boyfriend, the bad sex experience, the bad break up and then the 'relationships' that followed.  They changed me in some ways and I pulled away from Alex.  And I was sixteen."  I shrugged and looked away.  "I guess, if I really remembered back, I probably slept with like...ten guys, including my first boyfriend."

I took another sip of the tea before offering it to him before continuing.  "He eventually broke through to me and I broke down.  I told him that I was gay.  I told him about the boyfriend.  I told him about all the guys I'd slept with.  I told him everything."

I looked down at my lap and closed my eyes, smiling softly.  "I cried the whole way through.  And even though we'd been distant, he held me the entire time.  He ran his fingers through my hair and that relaxed me more than anything else could have.  He listened to me and dried my eyes."  I looked up at Bren and smiled.  "And then he told me about him.  He told me that he was into guys but he still liked girls, but less than guys.  He told me about his experiences, which were much less than mine, and sounded a million times better than mine too.  He laid in bed with me that night, with me curled up against him in his arms and told me that things would be better, I just had to find someone who deserved me.  He never judged me or anything, he just...was the best a friend could possibly be the whole time.  I wouldn't have made it through all of that if it wasn't for him.  I wouldn't have come out on the other side the person who I am today if he didn't talk me through that night."

I shifted forward so I could take his hand.  Smiling at him, I whispered, “I understand,” taking the tea from him, and letting the warm liquid heat my body.  Laughing lightly, “That was young, too, not that  I am judging, it’s just that, I would have never been able to deal with it, but I can see how it, you know, helped you today and all.  So is that it?  I mean, he is your best friend who you like to hold cause you guys have been through this together?” I asked, reaching back and getting a brownie.  Breaking it in half, I placed a smaller chunk towards his mouth, offering to feed it to him if he wanted some.

I smiled over at him and took a bite of the brownie, eating it fairly quickly before shaking my head.  "No, that isn't all of the story...there's more.  I mean, that was when I was sixteen, that was three years ago."  I squeezed his hand and whispered quietly.  "The last three years...Bren...I'm not sure you're going to like what I have to say about the last three years."

I looked at him for a moment before sighing and leaning back again.  "Things went back to how they should have been with me and Alex at first.  We were back to being as close as we used to be.  The only difference was that when we slept at each other's houses we slept with me curled up in his arms.  Things went on like that, us just being us, or, starting to be what we've turned into.  We'd snuggle together more.  He'd hold me, or we'd hold hands.  He'd kiss me in an innocent type kiss, you know, closed lipped kisses that linger longer than a peck but not...more than innocent.  Then one night, I was staying at his house and his parents were out.  It started with us being in bed, me in his arms, and a movie on the TV.  It turned into the two of us sleeping together."

I looked directly at Brendon and my voice dropped to a whisper.  "It was better than anything I'd experienced up until that point.  He was the best...I think it was so good because of how much he cared for me, how much he loved me.  I was his best friend, he was mine, we had something between us that was so strong without sex, but...when we slept together it was all that was between us in a different way.  He...he gave me faith back in sex."

I stopped eating and removed his hand sitting back to when we first started talking.  I couldn’t look him in the eye.  I kept trying to tell myself that this was all history, all in the past, but with him here, spending the night with him last  night, it’s all so fresh.

Biting my lip, I managed to look up at him.  Chills ran down my spine as soon as I did.  I couldn’t read him at all.  And I don’t honestly know if I wanted to.

I cleared my throat, not wanting to sound broken, “So, was that the only time that you slept with him?”  I really didn’t want the answer to that question, but I think I already knew it anyway, which made me even more upset.  I know they fooled around cause of what Alex said about Ryan’s hands getting me off, but I didn’t think it went that far, but with their ‘history’ why wouldn’t it have?

I shook my head and looked down.  I knew this wasn't sitting well with him.  But he had to know the past.  I ran my hand through my hair and looked up at the stars.  "We didn't really date.  We stayed best friends.  Sleeping with each other that night didn't change anything between us.  Not really.  I tried to date other guys, I even found myself in a few relationships, but each one was short term and I never slept with any of them.  None of them loved me, none of them were important enough to me and none of them cared about me enough."

I squeezed my eyes closed for a few moments.  "Alex was the only one I could count on, no matter what."  I opened my eyes to look at him, if I hurt him I knew I had to watch it happen.  "There were times where we were all innocence and then we'd end up sleeping together.  It wasn't a regular occurrence, not really.  It just...would happen.  He dated others, I dated others, but neither of us slept with anyone else through the rest of high school.  I had had enough of random hookups to last for a while and Alex just didn't want that.  So...if either of us needed or wanted sex and the other was okay with it, we'd sleep together.  I'm honestly shocked that it didn't hurt our friendship, but it never did.  It was like...we'd have sex, he'd know what it was like to sleep with me and I to sleep with him, but once we got out of bed, or wherever it was that we were, we went directly back to normal, to our normal friendship."

I took a deep breath.  "We slept together for the last time the night before he left town for college.  We said goodbye the next morning and he left.  I went to college and started the college scene.  I met lots of guys at college.  I even dated a couple, nothing that lasted though.  And I've slept with one or two guys in the past year."  I looked up at him and smiled.  "Then I met you."

Oh, and that is supposed to make it all better.

I didn’t know what to say.  I knew if I did that I would say something bad or wrong, and we’d have a hellaous trip back to the city.

FUCK!  I didn’t even know what to think.

I sat there for a while my mind wondering  and grasping everything he just told me.

Honestly.  I wanted to laugh.  Real hard.  I mean.  What.  The.  Fuck?

“So, what if when you are in LA, or even here, and he is sleeping in your bed, in your arms, consoling you.  What if you both are ‘okay’ with it?” I could feel the tears.  Would he sleep with him?  He did throughout high school while still dating around, what made this any different?

I shook my head.  I knew what he was thinking but I also didn't know how to get him to believe and trust me.  I told him the truth, all of it, it was up to him if he could deal with it and be okay with it.  I knew I could only continue to tell him the truth.

"I won't deny that there is the possibility that we might sleep in the same bed.  I won't deny that there is the possibility that he might hold me some night while I sleep.  But Bren, we would both have to be okay with sleeping together.  I mean, do you think I'd do that to you?  Really?  Do you think I'd be okay with sleeping with him while I'm with you?  Okay, so...maybe you do think that I would.  I did it in the past when I was dating guys in high school...of course you think I'll do it to you now." 

I got up and jumped out of the truck, walking a little way away and growling to myself.  I'd really fucked shit up now.  I turned and looked at Brendon still in the truck.  "I'm not the same person I was in High School Bren.  I'm not the same, things aren't the same.  I'm not going to cheat on you with Alex while we're in LA, or anywhere else."  I walked back to the truck.  "The difference between you and the guys I was seeing while I was in high school is that not one of them ever became serious enough for me to think of them as anything other than just a guy a was seeing.  None of them were boyfriends or close to boyfriend status."

I shook my head.

“Ryan, I don’t care about your past.  It’s history, there’s nothing you or I can do to change it.  So, so that’s not an issue, we have to live life and learn from it.  And I understand that, it’s just.  With Alex...”

Sighing, I pulled up my knees and placed my head on them.  I don’t even know.  How the hell am I supposed to trust someone who has done it in the past.  Ok, I said the past is history.  The past is history, the past is history.

I looked up, letting out a breath, “I just, what if we get in a fight, and you are mad and lonely.  You know what, fuck the ‘what if’s...” I shook my head again.  I hated this.  I hated not having a clue what to say or think or do.  I hated every millisecond of it, “I just, I want to trust you I do, but, if or when we do have sex, if I am bad or Alex is better, would you stick around for me?  Or would you break up with me? I mean, like, could our sex be the deciding factor of your realization that you like Alex better than me?”

I climbed back up into the back of the truck and moved over to him.  I moved his legs down and tilted his head up as I straddled his lap.  I wanted him to feel me there and I wanted him to see the truth in my eyes and feel the truth in my body.

"Brendon, sex isn't everything.  There are other things that are more important to me than sex.  If it were that important to me...do you think I'd be putting it off with you the way I am?  Do you think I'd actually care what its like for you?  Bren, if sex was the deciding factor I would be with Alex already, I would have been with him from when I was sixteen and we slept together for the first time.  I wouldn't have slept with anyone else.  I wouldn't have been interested in anyone else.  I wouldn't have dated anyone else, I would have tried to get into a relationship with him, a dating relationship.  And I didn't."

I sighed softly and slid my fingers up into Brendon's hair.  "You aren't going to be bad Brendon.  I have no doubt about it.  Besides, when there is deep feelings on both sides it can't be anything but good.  I'm not going to gage our relationship on our sex life."

I nodded.

Still had the slightest clue what to say, but I agreed with him.  It was hard.  I know Alex is his best friend, but I didn’t want him in the same bed as him, ever.  I’m past the point of being jealous, but more now, hurt and confused and scared.  This was my first relationship,a nd I don’t know what would happen if he did cheat on me.  And I didn’t want to think about it.

I smiled, “Thanks...I know this is more about sex too, I just,” shaking my head, “Never mind.  I’m just scared of being hurt,” I felt a tear slip out.  Shit, I made it this far, “But, I know, who isn’t.  I just want.  I just need.  I just, I don’t know.  I don’t want the you and Alex thing to come between us.  And I will try my best, ok?”  I asked as I rest my hands on his hips.

I reached up and brushed his tear away with my finger and whispered.  "What was it you were going to say Bren?  Why did you say never mind?  You need to talk to me and you need to tell me what's going on in that beautiful head of yours.  Please, Bren, just...whatever is going on inside your head, please just tell me."

I tilted his head up, my fingers caressing lightly on his cheeks as I looked into his eyes.  "And the thing with me and Alex won't come between us, at least from my part.  I'm not going to have sex with Alex.  I'm not going to have sex with him while we're in LA.  And I'm not going to have sex with him before I leave.  I don't need sex that badly Bren.  I've been there, done that, I'm not that horny that I can't wait to have you."  I smiled at him and leaned in to kiss him gently before whispering against his lips.  "The first time...maybe you should be on top, whenever that'll be..."

I half laughed.  The subject of sex still scared the crap out of me.  Still made me blush.  And still confused me, cause I had no clue what to do.  Pornos only take you so far...

“Ok,” I whispered, “And, what I was going to say was.  I honestly don’t remember,” I smirked, laughing lightly, “It’s just that, why are you choosing to take a step back, or for me, it’s like three steps back?  I mean, wouldn’t it just be easier to date someone with the same experiences as you?  You know, someone who has been through at least one relationship to know the basics and what’s expected?”

I looked in his eyes, running my hands up and down his hips slowly, “I know I have so much to learn, and I know that I’m going to frustrate you with my naiveness.  And, I’m worried that you will go to Alex about your frustrations, and he will talk you out of being with me.  Listing all the reasons or something.  Not that he would do that to be with you, but that that is the only thing you complain about.  Not that that’ll be it anyway...but ok...I don’t know...”

I leaned in and kissed Brendon softly.  "I'm with you because I want to be with you.  I'm with you because I love that you're so inexperienced that everything is fresh and new for you.  I'm with you because I can't wait to experience your first time with you.  I'm with you because sex isn't everything and sex isn't what I want to base a relationship on.  I'm with you because I like you."

I pulled back and licked my lips, smiling.  "I'm with you because you taste good.  And yeah, if I'm frustrated, or we have a fight, I'll talk to Alex, but he won't try to talk me out of being with you.  If he wanted to be with me like that he'd have told me so by now.  He's seen me with other guys, its never sparked jealousy in him, at least as far as I can tell, and I know him better than anyone.  He isn't the type to try to get me to break up with you.  He's like..."  I looked up and thought for a moment.  "I don't know, he's like the loyal puppy that is there to help you through rough situations and be loyal, but he always wants what's best for me.  Now, if you were to go off and cheat on me, he'd be a rottweiler or pit bull and attack, if you don't hurt me then he'll be like...the golden retriever or something.  He'll never try to talk me out of being with you unless you abuse me or break my heart or something."

I smiled down at him and tilted my head to the side.  "And when you do frustrate me and I go to vent to him, he'll listen, he'll commiserate, he'll hug me and then he'll remind me why I'm with you."

I smiled.  That was all I needed.  For now at least.

“Thank you.  You know for telling me and getting me up to speed and such.  Thank you Ryan,” I kissed him roughly before pulling back, “Sorry, got carried away there, but thank you.  Thank you for being with me and liking me for all of those reasons.  And I feel the same about you...well, only opposite in some circumstances,” I furrowed my brow, “But, you understand, right?”

I laughed and realized that I said ‘thank you’ a lot to him and made and oops face before dropping my head back and looking at the sky.  OH! the real reason we are here!  I reached out and felt around for his face before connecting with his chin, and lifting it to look up.

“It’s almost as beautiful as you,” I smiled, still watching the stars, but sliding my hand down his body.

Smiling, I leaned in and rested my head on his shoulder, kissing his neck softly before sighing and moving until my back was against his chest and I could rest my head on his shoulder to look up into the sky.  I took his hands and rested them on my chest as I nestled back against him.  "You know how I've been saying there are a lot of things we can do other than sex?"

I tilted my head to the side to look at him.  My eyes were twinkling with mischievousness and suggestion as I bit my lip.  I took his hand and slid it slowly down over my stomach, dragging his hand slowly lower until I pressed his hand over me, letting him know that being out with him under the stars was getting to me.  I wasn't hard, not yet, but he could feel that being like that with him was getting to me all the same.  I kissed his neck and tilted my head up to suck softly on his earlobe.  "Bren..."

I involuntarily thrust into his back as he kissed me randomly, “Yeah...” I let out, placing my hand firmly on him, “You were saying?” I asked in his hair.

Leaning against the truck bed was not working for me, plus with his weight on top of me, it pressed me harder into the side.  Keeping my hand in place, I reached for the sleeping bags, and tossed them towards the cab of the truck.  Again, not removing my hand, I maneuvered our bodies so that he was still on my chest.  My eyes could still see the sky comfortably. And my hand was still on his, hopefully, forming erection.

Once I was situated perfectly, I pressed harder into him, “What else do you have in mind?” I asked, grabbing the blanket and throwing it over us.  Velour.  Nice!

I groaned softly and bit into my lip, arching against him and whimpering.  My hand slid up and into his hair and I turned to looked at him, panting softly already.  "What...what are you okay with Bren?  How much?  How far?" 

Leaning in I kissed his neck, his jaw, his cheek and then pressed my forehead against his cheek as I moved into his hand.  My hips moving against his hand as I moved his hand again, sliding it inside my jeans, showing him I had nothing under them.  I wasn't anticipating sex, that wasn't the thing.  But I'd do anything, kiss him, touch him, just about anything that he wanted.

I slowly dragged my lips down to his ear and whispered into it.  "Tell me what you want to experience out here under the stars."

I moaned as he placed my hands inside his jeans.  And found no other restriction.  I felt my own cock twitch at the feel and thought of it.  His lips and voice weren’t helping matters, “God, Ry, that’s so hot!” I placed a kiss on his forehead.  Not wanting to remove the hand in his jeans, but not having much room to do anything, but basically hold him in there, I ran my other hand down his body, using my index finger to traces various patterns until I reached the top of his jeans.

Undoing the button, with much difficulty, I managed to get the zipper down too, freeing him and my hand.  I glanced down at the blanket.  Fuck if that didn’t turn me on even more, the moonlight casting an eerie shadow on the motions under the blanket.  I began to stroke him, thinking about all the things I would love to do with him here under the stars and all alone.

“What, what do you think I am ready for?”

Moans slid off my lips as he started to stroke me.  It felt so good and I let my head drop back onto his shoulder.  I gasped softly for air, feeling the cold air slipping into my lungs and I moaned his name again softly.  My hand gripped a little hard into his hair.  I was panting, I could tell he was already getting to me and if he kept his hand moving the way it was there was no way I was going to be holding back for long.  I licked my lips again.

"What...what do you want?  Mmm...Bren what do you want?"  My eyes slid closed and I pressed back against his hips, grinding just a little against him before back up into his hand.  Apparently talking about my sexual history, getting frustrated and scared that he was going to take it the wrong way, straddling him and kissing him all combined to be a big turn on.

I felt my eyes close not even knowing as they previously slipped back in my head.  All the sounds and the moans and the hands and the skin and...ok, everything were getting to every vein and bone in my body.  Right down to my pinkie toe.

“I just want this...” I managed to whisper as I continued to stroke him, swiping my thumb across his tip, collect the little bit of precome that had formed, but enough to make my movements more fluid, “I want this...” I repeated again.  “I wanna make you come...”

Just saying it...Damn.  Turning my head, I kissed his temple, leaning down to lick along his jaw.  My other hand moved up his shirt, touching his skin that was like fire to my hands, smoothing down his chest and tweaking his nipples.

“Is...is that ok?”

I gasped and nodded a little, turning to try and capture his lips and his tongue.  I wanted to kiss him, his hands were on me and it felt so good.  I wanted to taste him too, I wanted to kiss him while I felt him touching me.  I groaned a little, the position being great for him to have full access to my body, but not so good for me getting to kiss him.  I whimpered his name in desperation.

"Bren...mm...kiss me...god do what you want and kiss me."  My hips moved on their own into his touch, helping him.  My free hand gripped at his thigh beside me and I press my shoulders more into his chest.  My body felt like it was vibrating and it felt amazing.  I didn't want it to go too fast, but even if he was sexually inexperienced he knew what he was doing with that hand.

And I did.  I kissed him so passionately.  I kissed him with everything I had in me.  I kissed him to tell him I liked him.  To tell him I needed him.  To tell him I wanted him.  To tell him I trusted him.  To tell him he was the greasiest thing that had ever happened to me.

And I continued to kiss him as I stroked him and touched him and moved against him.

So this night might not turn out as bad as I thought...